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I need help please.

Guest Orion

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I'm struggling a lot right now. I think I'm on the aromatic spectrum, but I honestly have no clue. I think i want a romantic relationship but I dont think I've ever felt romantic attraction? Either that or the feelings just fade. Honestly, I'm have no clue what I'm supposed to feel when romantically attracted to someone, so now im just really lost and I have nobody who can help.

I've been crying most nights because I feel like I'm broken or wrong. I already feel wrong enough due to gender dysphoria, and this added confusion over my romantic attraction is just too much at the moment. I am currently in a relationship (possibly, she hasn't messaged me in over two months, and she's done this stuff before. I'm probably going to end it if I feel actually attracted or not because it's taking another huge toll on my mental health but that's not the point) and ive been in relationships in the past, all of them being pretty bad. I've come to the realisation that i crave affection and closeness, and I feel alone and isolated and exposed when not romantically involved with someone, so maybe that's why I havent realised this until now? I've just been too happy that it's possible for someone to love me that I never stopped to think if any of it was real.

I'm currently sitting on the floor in my bathroom trying not to cry again. Please help me. Advice, support, anything. Please tell me I'm not alone. 

Thank you. 

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Hey there, 

I'm still facing my reality as an AroAce individual,  so I don't have a lot of wisdom to offer on the subject,  but I want you to know you're not alone. Identity is a complex thing, made all the more complex when you start to recognise that your personal experiences don't seem to line up with the world reflected back to you.  I found Jaiden Animations' video (below) was what made me really start to see that I'm AroAce and not just someone who "hasn't met the right person yet", or "is just anxious", or "too depressed", or having "attachment issues". All of these things might have been true,  or contributing,  but also cruelly let me believe that this was a fluid thing for me that would change,  rather than a part of who I am.  Jaiden's experience doesn't directly match my own,  but it spoke enough to my own truth that I had to start facing the truth,  have to keep facing.  It is hard.  It hurts.  And you're not alone. 


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I'm still having problems with accepting myself as an AroAce, but I really wanted to show you that you're not alone, so here I am!

First of all - you're not broken for not being able to feel romantic attraction to others. Love comes in many shades, so even if you won't be able to love somone romantically, you still can love them platonically! Because even if society thinks otherwise, you really don't need a romantic relationship to be happy. Unfortunately, it sure takes time to realise that, considering how our surrounding focuses on romantic feelings and treats it as the most important type of love, but I'm sure that it's worth it!

And to find more support, or just people that you'll be able to relate to, I recommend joining aromantic groups (I'm not sure if it's the best term to use, so please correct me if I'm wrong) on social medias - for example reddit! I've joined a few and honestly, it was one of the best decisions I've made in the past few weeks (or maybe even months). Most of the people there are really lovely and are willing to help you with your struggles!

I hope that it'll help you somehow <3

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I'm getting a sense that your real issue is that you believe getting love from someone else will make you feel worthy of love. I know that was the case with me for a long time. But the truth is it's the giving of love that makes you worthy of it, and that can only come from within yourself. The good news is there is a part of everyone (who isn't a psychopath or narcissist) that is a source of unending love. Different people have different names for it, so call it what you want. The catch is those of us who've had trauma early in life (I get a sense that's the case with you as well) have to go to a good deal of effort to access it. I'm not going to give any advice on how to accomplish this because for one thing what works for me might not work for you. For another there is already plenty of material on this matter out there for you to find, and this is something you have to take charge of. No one else can do it for you. But that doesn't mean not asking for help when you need it. I commend you for reaching out. And no, you are not alone.

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