Was This Romo?

[Tallow]

So back when I had my first relationship, I always felt like something was off, but I could never pinpoint what. I know now that it was because I'm on the aro spectrum, but I still don't know what the attraction I was feeling was. So I'm coming to you guys for help. 
 
I've looked through many many lists of what it's like to have a crush/romantic attraction, and I've looked at the different types of crushes and types of love and, well, just all of it. Somehow I still can't seem to make my mind up about what I was feeling, so here are some lists. Have fun!

What I Did Feel/Experience
- Felt flustered whenever I was near them.
- Always wanted to be touching them and cuddling them (I'm ace so not in a sexual way).
- Liked flirting with them and that's all I wanted to do, even when I got into a relationship with them. It got to a point where I was annoyed to talk to them normally and couldn't hold up a conversation because I was bored unless we were flirting.
- Got butterflies whenever I thought about them/whenever they texted me. (This quickly turned into anxiety and not wanting to talk to them. I'm assuming this was because they gave me very little attention and I didn't want to mess anything up with the little chances I got.)
- Fantasized about us cuddling/touching (again, I'm ace so not in a sexual way.)

What I Did Not Feel/Experience
- The desire to get to know them as a person or build a stronger emotional bond with them.
- The desire to build a stronger relationship than we already had. I'm not even sure if I really wanted to date them in the first place. I liked how flustered and excited they made me feel, and I guess dating them was a way to keep those feelings in my life, but it wasn't really about them as a person.
- I did not enjoy kissing them.
- Although I subconsciously knew we were in a "romantic" relationship, I never really thought of it that way. I always thought I cared too much about their body (aka cuddles and the attention they gave me) and not enough about them as a person for it to be romantic. 
- I like the attention they gave me and how loved I felt, but once I was asked to give that love back, I struggled a lot. It felt fake.
- Did not pay great attention to how they acted, things they liked, etc. My friends described crushes as wanting to get to know everything about them, but I didn't relate. 
- Did not fantasize or think about us doing romantic coded things such as going on dates or to school dances together. It just never crossed my mind. 

Do you think it was romantic attraction? Alterous? Sensual? Aesthetic? A mix? Lmk. 

Edited September 25, 2022 by Tallow

[Collie]

Not everyone experiences romantic attraction the exact same way, but only you can decide if it was or not. Perhaps you had a squish, which is a "friend crush"? Squishes can feel very similar to a crush.

[Tallow]

3 hours ago, Collie said:

Not everyone experiences romantic attraction the exact same way, but only you can decide if it was or not. Perhaps you had a squish, which is a "friend crush"? Squishes can feel very similar to a crush.

Perhaps.. 
I honestly have no idea. I hope I figure it out eventually lol

[TatzelwurmMilk]

Interesting. It sounds to me like the most likely attractions you were feeling was a mix of alterous, sensual, and maybe aesthetic.

I think it could have been alterous because you are unsure of the attraction you were feeling. Sensual because you had a constant want to cuddle/touch them. Maybe aesthetic because you got flustered when you were around them, but that could be for other reasons. 

It's difficult to assume someone else's feelings because different people have different definitions of what romantic attraction is. It's more subjective which things "count" as romantic. And actions most people would immediately assume to be romantic could be done without romantic intent. 

Also, don't feel pressured to label it. You might come to the conclusion that none of the attractions you thought it might have been were what you actually felt. It's ok to let your experience just be an experience. Good luck with figuring it out, I hope this helped a bit! 

[Tallow]

1 hour ago, TatzelwurmMilk said:

Interesting. It sounds to me like the most likely attractions you were feeling was a mix of alterous, sensual, and maybe aesthetic.

I think it could have been alterous because you are unsure of the attraction you were feeling. Sensual because you had a constant want to cuddle/touch them. Maybe aesthetic because you got flustered when you were around them, but that could be for other reasons. 

It's difficult to assume someone else's feelings because different people have different definitions of what romantic attraction is. It's more subjective which things "count" as romantic. And actions most people would immediately assume to be romantic could be done without romantic intent. 

Also, don't feel pressured to label it. You might come to the conclusion that none of the attractions you thought it might have been were what you actually felt. It's ok to let your experience just be an experience. Good luck with figuring it out, I hope this helped a bit! 

Yeah that's what I was thinking. Although I'm not sure if it was aesthetic. It might have been a little, but I don't know if it was one of the big ones. 

Also yeah, romance is really subjective, which is why it's been so hard to figure out what I felt. Good news is I did find a label the other day that would explain what I felt (theoretically). It's called Quasiromantic. Here's a link describing it: https://aromanticquiz.carrd.co/#quasi

Thank you so much for the input! It really did help. :)

[TatzelwurmMilk]

6 minutes ago, Tallow said:

Yeah that's what I was thinking. Although I'm not sure if it was aesthetic. It might have been a little, but I don't know if it was one of the big ones. 

Also yeah, romance is really subjective, which is why it's been so hard to figure out what I felt. Good news is I did find a label the other day that would explain what I felt (theoretically). It's called Quasiromantic. Here's a link describing it: https://aromanticquiz.carrd.co/#quasi

Thank you so much for the input! It really did help. :)

Nice! I have not heard of that label before but it's description does sound closer to what you were feeling. I'm glad you found a label that feels more accurate! 

And no problem. :)