Need help with self-identity. I think i'm idemromantic

[Judy_Lalala]

I think i'm idemromantic. This is most relatable to me.
But i've seen many posts in tumblr and reddit by people telling their experience and their signs of being the part of this spectrum. and i can't tell if i have something similar. actually i think that i've always been self-blocked.
what i mean: 
i always had problems with talking to boys. I really wanted to befriend them. But at the same time i ALWAYS was afraid of being romantic towards them without any intention to date them or have sex with them (that's why i think i'm aromantic). So all the posts by idemromantic people were about how they thought that friends are those, who you have a squish on. And i don't quiet understand if it's same for me.

because i've never have any kind of friends (at 14 years old i refused using this word) (because i was always afraid of my own romantic intentions). I saw a guy and i immediately immagined us kissing or dating. BUT I DON'T WANT IT! IT'S JUST IMAGINATION! Everything i really wanted in those situations was to have a normal chat with them as friends. 
And i don't have any imaginations, when i want to befriend a girl. i just talk to her, if i have any question, or if i want to compliment her, or if i've seen her somewhere (but i'm still scared sometimes if girls think i might have romantic intentions). But boys are a big trouble to me, and it actually makes me mentally sick. I always made myself get rid of any desire to talk or connect to the guy. and sometimes it was very painful (not always). 

Right now i have a boyfriend. But i like to call our interaction as a friendship with romatic attraction (or some sort of. i'm not comfortable with "dating" "girlfriend/bofriend", "couple" words). Oh, Im 20 yo

Edited July 27, 2022 by Judy_Lalala

[The Gray Warlock]

Is there anything in your background that could be entangled in all this? Some kind of trauma or strongly held belief, from which you developed an inner narrative that could be at the root of your confusion? I'll give an example from my life. For many years before I learned what Aromanticism is, I had assumed that I never dated or talked to women because of two elements of my upbringing.

1. I was brought up in Jehovah's Witnesses. In that cult there is a strict policy against having a relationship with anyone who is not a Witness, and even then you're only allowed to date with "prospect of marriage." So I just avoided the whole thing until 16 when I started to question my faith.

2. Seeing both my mother's marriages crash and burn. When my mom and dad split, it got ugly. I even witnessed my father attempt suicide over it! Hell of a thing for a 5 year old to see if you ask me! And in the case of the second marriage, he turned out to be an abusive narcissist. Oh, and because her second husband was not a Witness, mom was disfellowshipped for it.

From these experiences I built a narrative that this trauma had scared me out of wanting romantic relationships. I would go on to spend many years involving myself in various spiritual practices and self-help stuff to "get past it," and when that failed to try to explain what was blocking me. Learning about Aromanticism was like throwing a window open on my mind. It took me some time to process it all, after all we're talking about decades of confusion and doubt! But in the end it made so much sense. There is no "block" I need to "get past." I simply don't have the drive to find a romantic partner. But I didn't know that because this information was not available at the time, and all this advocacy for varying orientations didn't exist. So I was just left to stew in my assumptions based on society's narrative that you're supposed to fall in love, and something is wrong if you don't.