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am i aromantic or do i just have commitment issues?


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Heyy, a little heads up, this post is getting a little long. I would still be happy if someone takes the time to read through my story :D (does not have to be everything)

Where should I start? .... Every time something starts to happen in the direction of a relationship I panic. I don't know, it's weird. I'm dating someone and I like them and everything is great, but as soon as it gets more relationship-y, more serious, suddenly I just don't want to do it anymore. And somehow it gets worse and worse.... I don't have too much experience in dating and I've never been in a relationship anyway, but all the experiences I've had so far have been the same: I like to write with the person, but I don't like to meet them. At the same time, I liked the idea of being in a relationship with this person, of finally having those butterflies that everyone always talks about. (I actually had them once and it was anything but nice. They were the worst stress feelings I've ever had).

Once I went to a 4-day festival with someone I met at the time. (But we had different campsites) We wrote a lot to each other beforehand and met twice. The first two days I thought it was nice to watch the acts together. It was great when he stood behind me and held me in his arms. On the third day, however, it started to get on my nerves. I felt constricted, tied to him and no longer free. He asked me every time I went out to eat with my friends when it would be to meet there. And that annoyed me. Why does he always have to be there? On the fourth day, I answered him extra late when I was going to the stages so that he couldn't get through the crowd. I know, it's pretty asshole, but at that moment he was just unbelievably exhausting for me...

Another example is my dance partner for the prom. I always found him visually interesting and was even more pleased when he agreed to dance with me. we met at dance rehearsals and in private and I knew that after the ball we would be together. I also had these "butterflies" with him. Actually, I was really looking forward to finally having my first relationship, and with someone I'd always really liked. after the afterparty, both of us really drunk, we decided to try it out together. But when I woke up the next day, I was in a complete panic. What did I do? Why? no, no, no, i don't want that! I avoided him at school, had a crisis when I smelled the same aftershave on someone in my class that he used, hid in the basement and ate my snack there for fear that he would seek me out in class. If I met him in the corridor, I immediately turned away and fled into some room or corridor, as long as he didn't see me. It was absolutely terrible. After two weeks, I texted him and told him that I just wasn't ready for a relationship...

Since then, I haven't really dated and I haven't had any interest in changing that. Or rather, I never really gave it a serious try. That was four years ago, and every time I wrote to someone and I realised he might want more, I immediately got this feeling that I just don't want that. This feeling that I get is just unbelievable stress, it feels like I'm standing on a cliff that I have to jump off.

At the same time, sometimes I just want so badly to have someone by my side.... To hug someone, to be loved, to do things together. But I just can't. I was never really in love, the maximum was just these butterflies... I never had a crush either, at least not on real or close people. Once I liked a punk from my school, but that was more of a fangirling because he just had such a great style. I was completely satisfied with just admiring him from afar... And it has nothing to do with the fact that maybe I was just looking at the wrong sex, because now a girl has asked me if we want to try dating and I have the same feelings...

So is this commitment anxiety or am I aromantic, and aren't both actually kind of the same thing? Although, I've read that people with commitment anxiety usually just fall in love with unapproachable people, but I've never really been in love either...

Is anyone here feeling the same or similar?

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I've had a similar experience. I had asked a girl I liked out on a date, but it had to be a while after my asking, since the both of us had exams coming up. For the first few days after, my feelings hadn't changed - I thought she was really pretty, and I was excited by the prospect of dating her. After 4-5 days, however, my feelings had begun to disappear. The more and more realistic a romantic relationship with her seemed to me, the less and less I was interested that way in her. After a few more days, I had become completely disinterested in dating her. I let her know this and she's been absolutely fab about it, we're still good friends. Anyway, I think this experience, while not universal across the community, is not all too uncommon for aros to feel. You could be frayromantic or something similar to that, I'm not sure of the exact terms.

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i felt the same way about the festival guy!

...but with my dance partner it was like that i already knew him well and wanted to be together with him. i think. at that time i put a lot of pressure on myself because of this whole relationship thing... everyone around me was in a relationship, was happy, i actually wanted that too. and i thought my dance partner was the right one... But then all of a sudden little things started to bother me, very banal things, right on prom night. A schoolmate said he had "girl's eyes" because of his long eyelashes. He's a huge idiot, but somehow it also bothered me. He and my twin sister's boyfriend both have red beards and their physiques are similar, but that's about it. Still, I thought, do the others think I've chosen someone who looks the same? because we're twins? He was also drunk early on, which I found a bit repulsive and annoying? In the morning I was still looking forward to the end of the evening, but the closer it got the more stressed I felt. When we talked about trying a relationship, i was pretty drunk. but as soon as i woke up the next day, i regretted it deeply. it was so weird, like someone had flipped a switch. Maybe I'm just incredibly afraid of making a commitment to someone....
 I think I like the idea of a relationship, but in reality I can't even stand dating anymore... when i was 16-18 i found it kind of okay, but now it's just extremely uncomfortable for me... and i'm also kind of afraid of it...

 

I've already read up on lithromanticism and I think if I'm aromantic it's more in that direction.... but i'm really not sure if i don't just have big commitment fears, haha

anyway, thank you for listening to all of this, and @Deltalorian for sharing your experiences with me. it's so good to know that people feel the same way!

and sorry that the answer has become so long again 

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