Milenea Posted June 27, 2022 Share Posted June 27, 2022 Heyy, a little heads up, this post is getting a little long. I would still be happy if someone takes the time to read through my story :D (does not have to be everything) Where should I start? .... Every time something starts to happen in the direction of a relationship I panic. I don't know, it's weird. I'm dating someone and I like them and everything is great, but as soon as it gets more relationship-y, more serious, suddenly I just don't want to do it anymore. And somehow it gets worse and worse.... I don't have too much experience in dating and I've never been in a relationship anyway, but all the experiences I've had so far have been the same: I like to write with the person, but I don't like to meet them. At the same time, I liked the idea of being in a relationship with this person, of finally having those butterflies that everyone always talks about. (I actually had them once and it was anything but nice. They were the worst stress feelings I've ever had). Once I went to a 4-day festival with someone I met at the time. (But we had different campsites) We wrote a lot to each other beforehand and met twice. The first two days I thought it was nice to watch the acts together. It was great when he stood behind me and held me in his arms. On the third day, however, it started to get on my nerves. I felt constricted, tied to him and no longer free. He asked me every time I went out to eat with my friends when it would be to meet there. And that annoyed me. Why does he always have to be there? On the fourth day, I answered him extra late when I was going to the stages so that he couldn't get through the crowd. I know, it's pretty asshole, but at that moment he was just unbelievably exhausting for me... Another example is my dance partner for the prom. I always found him visually interesting and was even more pleased when he agreed to dance with me. we met at dance rehearsals and in private and I knew that after the ball we would be together. I also had these "butterflies" with him. Actually, I was really looking forward to finally having my first relationship, and with someone I'd always really liked. after the afterparty, both of us really drunk, we decided to try it out together. But when I woke up the next day, I was in a complete panic. What did I do? Why? no, no, no, i don't want that! I avoided him at school, had a crisis when I smelled the same aftershave on someone in my class that he used, hid in the basement and ate my snack there for fear that he would seek me out in class. If I met him in the corridor, I immediately turned away and fled into some room or corridor, as long as he didn't see me. It was absolutely terrible. After two weeks, I texted him and told him that I just wasn't ready for a relationship... Since then, I haven't really dated and I haven't had any interest in changing that. Or rather, I never really gave it a serious try. That was four years ago, and every time I wrote to someone and I realised he might want more, I immediately got this feeling that I just don't want that. This feeling that I get is just unbelievable stress, it feels like I'm standing on a cliff that I have to jump off. At the same time, sometimes I just want so badly to have someone by my side.... To hug someone, to be loved, to do things together. But I just can't. I was never really in love, the maximum was just these butterflies... I never had a crush either, at least not on real or close people. Once I liked a punk from my school, but that was more of a fangirling because he just had such a great style. I was completely satisfied with just admiring him from afar... And it has nothing to do with the fact that maybe I was just looking at the wrong sex, because now a girl has asked me if we want to try dating and I have the same feelings... So is this commitment anxiety or am I aromantic, and aren't both actually kind of the same thing? Although, I've read that people with commitment anxiety usually just fall in love with unapproachable people, but I've never really been in love either... Is anyone here feeling the same or similar? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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