Is it always going to be this hard?

[Guest ProbablyAPanda]

I'm not sure if I'm asking for reassurance or advice or just wanting to get stuff off my chest but I can’t tell fully how I feel and I'm worried for the future...

I am gay and I believe Aro.  Basically, there has been a handful of times now that friends and particularly close friends have expressed romantic interest in me and I have turned them down primarily because I don't feel the same way in return, thankfully they're still great friends, though the most recent time this happened was the hardest.  It was with my best friend, this was difficult because there had been times I would wonder if what I felt was romantic attraction, even if fleetingly; our friendship had always pushed boundaries, it was very much an opportunity to explore things, boundaries, sexuality, friendship and have fun in many regards without the need for a romantic relationship.

I do love them dearly and even agreed to try... which didn’t end well, I found myself constantly uncomfortable and anxious and simply couldn’t do it, I thought maybe QPR... but knowing that how they felt was fully romantically attracted to me and came with expectations still filled me with dread... so we have moved on from attempting a relationship like that...  We're still best friends and nothing in particular has changed, it took a lot of talking and fear and crying and reassurance but things are mostly how they were, only, knowing that one day there may come a time that I will have less of their time and attention when they find someone who can return those romantic needs is... very difficult for me, I have come to realise that, whether my feelings on relationships change in future or not, IF I were able to do so... it would have been them. 

Part of me feels like, for the sake of not wanting to lose them or their time in any form I should have tried harder, but I just struggled so badly, I feel selfish to want so much, its weird because how things stand now, this is the peak, I love their company and spending time with them I wish it could stay like this, I hope it stays like this but knowing it will change eventually is frustrating I admit.

Did I mess up or was it right to trust how I felt?  Does anyone else feel that way about QPR's, that unless the other person is on the same page, it can be difficult to navigate?  This pretty much confirms I'm Aro right? lol 

uhh thanks if you read this, have a lovely evening or whatever time.

[roboticanary]

On 5/28/2022 at 11:30 PM, Guest ProbablyAPanda said:

Did I mess up or was it right to trust how I felt?  Does anyone else feel that way about QPR's, that unless the other person is on the same page, it can be difficult to navigate? 

I wouldnt say you messed up. every choice you make leaves another path you could have taken. from your writing it sounds like getting into a romantic relationship with them was a tempting option but being constantly anxious and uncomfortable is not a good way to live. you made your choice.

as for the second question, yeah thats relationships for you. Doesn't matter what you call it, there are some things each person involved in a relationship wants out of that relationship. If you each want different things out of a relationship and you don't effectively tell each other what you can and can't give, then things are going to be very difficult as you are all reduced to reading into the entrails to divine what the fuck you are supposed to do.