Me not knowing shit (a rant about sex or whatever)

[Anonymous]

I dunno. I'm sitting here being ace and aro-spec, not knowing what any of it means.

I mean, I guess I'm still underage so idk how it all works, and somehow im expected to? like what even is sexual attraction? isn't that just about finding people visually attractive? how does it work?

i think sex is wayyyy overated over how that shit works?

i mean, in thory it's ehhh but in reality it's gross

idk anymore

wanted to get this off my chest, i guess.

maybe get some answers?

[arotr]

Sexual attraction, to me, is genuinely having a desire to have sex with someone. Looking at them and watching them move and hearing them speak (etc, etc) physically turns you on. You can't help it; your body craves them. This is different than being aesthetically attracted to someone, I've found. There are many people I find very beautiful to look at, but I have no desire whatsoever to have sex with them. I think aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction can be very closely linked, but finding someone beautiful isn't the same as really wanting to have sex with them.

It can be strange to be young and unsure of your orientation. I'm almost 24 and I'm still questioning a lot of aspects of myself. But if, for the moment, you find that aroace works for you, then there's really no harm in saying yeah, this defines me at the moment. I think people are overly cautious of identifying as something and then changing their mind later on, but that's literally fine. We all are constantly learning about ourselves and sometimes we need different terminology at different points to explain how we feel and interact with the world.

[Jot-Aro Kujo]

It's definitely overrated in the way society at large acts like you can't be happy without it, but then at the same time there's a whole bunch of demographics (namely gay and bi people, but also women, certain ethnic groups, disabled people, etc.) who are treated like it's wrong for them to want to have sex, so. Depends on how you look at it I suppose. Ultimately I think it's a pretty neutral thing, like... It can definitely be fun sometimes, but it's not world-shatteringly amazing, and it's not for everyone either. It's cool to want sex, it's cool to not want sex, and it's cool to have absolutely no strong feelings regarding sex.

One thing I will say, speaking as an allosexual: It's not just finding people visually attractive. Sexual attraction is just what it sounds like, a desire to have sex with someone. You can be sexually attracted to someone without necessarily thinking they're good looking, and you can appreciate someone's looks without wanting to have sex with them. If you've never wanted to have sex with a specific person, you probably haven't experienced sexual attraction, and that's fine! It can change with age (I always knew I was allosexual but wasn't super interested until my 20s), or it can stay the same. Either way is fine.

I would also be careful about calling it "gross", because while I totally get what you're saying (it's certainly messy and kind of odd in concept), the idea that sex is "gross" is something that's been used to demonize a lot of the previously mentioned groups for interest in sex. Which isn't to say you can't think it's gross- Just be careful when/where/how you express that, is all, because it can be hurtful to others. Just a little heads-up for the future.

As for "how it works", if you're being literal about not understanding the full mechanics, I'd recommend checking out Scarleteen. It's a sex ed site for teens and young adults that has simple explanations for pretty much any questions people might have about sex. Sex can be way more complicated than what you might have heard about from media or shitty high school sex ed classes, which is something that can make it both fun (for people who are interested in sex) and extremely annoying, lol. But it's definitely worth looking into because there's a lot of useful information there that can help you not only understand others, but also to be proactive about your health and such.

Hope this helps! Remember, there's no right or wrong way to feel about sex. Just don't be rude to other people for their opinion on it one way or another, and you're good.

[Guest Queerdo]

7 hours ago, Sili said:

Additionally, though not explicitly asked, I would also like to say there is a difference between finding someone sexually attractive, and actually wanting to have sex with them. I have found several people sexually attractive, but wouldnt ever have wanted to actually have sex with them (for a wide variety of reasons).

Yeah, wanting to have sex with someone is an example of sexual attraction, but I think that's a bit too simple and not really descriptive of how people choose to consent. 

And from a "no means no" perspective, it's sometimes helpful to frame individual sexual desires in terms of a "default yes" or "default no." At this point in my life, I ONLY want sex that's safe, sane, sober, consensual, and consistent with my political, religious, and ethical values. I don't feel that's really possible outside of t4t and q4q relationships. I need a lot of work and patience until I can commit the kind of relationship where sex would be healthy for me; and if transition and "second puberty" are going to rewire everything anyway, I want my freaking virginity back and a chance to start over with less compulsory (hetero)sexuality and performative hypersexuality. 

And in my experience, there's a big practical difference between "I don't want sexual relationships at this point in my life" and "I don't experience sexual attraction at all." The former is a personal choice on the same level as, "I don't want to adopt a litter of puppies." The latter is rarely voluntary. 

[Sili]

Answers from both arotr and Jot-Aro-Kujo are great, I'm just going to reanswer in a way that would have helped me understand if I were asking the same questions as a teen (because i'm a big dumb dumb and need things pointing out.). For reference I would also call myself Allosexual (its /possible/ that theres a sublabel within Ace I could fit into, but I dont feel the need to find it, as I dont feel that it would help people understand how I feel any better)

9 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

isn't that just about finding people visually attractive?

No. Sexual attraction and visual attraction are different things. If you think they are, then it might be possible you are Ace (at least for now, labels can change, but dont need to).

9 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

i think sex is wayyyy overated over how that shit works?

Yes, it is. However, as an Allosexual teen, before I had experienced sex, I didn't think it was overrated at all. I'm 38 now, and I desire it a lot less then I used to, possibly due to a combination of less peer presure, more knowledge and fewer raging hormones.

Additionally, though not explicitly asked, I would also like to say there is a difference between finding someone sexually attractive, and actually wanting to have sex with them. I have found several people sexually attractive, but wouldnt ever have wanted to actually have sex with them (for a wide variety of reasons). I have also wanted to have sex, but not had anyone I would want to have sex with. It's just an undirected desire.

This is in contrast to my romantic feeling. I have never really wanted a romantic relationship, either directed at a specific person, or undirected. Apparently people do wish they could find someone to romantically love, in a similar way to how I have in the past wished for sexual partners.

[DeltaAro]

On 5/24/2022 at 3:55 AM, Guest Anonymous said:

i think sex is wayyyy overated over how that shit works?

It's 100% fine to not understand the appeal of sex. But sex isn't really overrated.

I mean we can say "Nirvana is overrated, blah blah there really is this 'brand' Nirvana which is so hyped up, blah tragedy of Kurt Cobain blah. The band isn't that great blah".

For sex this doesn't work. We know for a fact that people really engaged in it, very, very often, always and everywhere. Until very recently in history more resources (food, shelter, ...) meant more humans. There is no fad that can last since the paleolithic and be present all over the world.

PS: Nirvana was just an example, please no flamewar 😨