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Hello! I'm in a relationship with someone who is grey romantic. I was wondering if yall could give me some advice and info?


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Obviously, anyone of any sexuality experiences things differently. However, I was wondering if anyone cloud give me any advice or information about grey sexuality? I simply want to be a good, healthy partner to them, whilst trying to figure out my own desires as a pan-romantic demi-sexual.

They've only just recently figured out their sexuality after a near-break-up in which their anxiety about not feeling intense romantic inclinations made them anxious that they didn't love me enough. They said they do. They said they're in love with me, and want to be with me. However, I'm curious as to how someone can be in love with someone to whom they feel little romantic attraction towards, and as someone who needs a strong emotional, romantic bond, I'm a little worried we won't be able to suit each other's needs, despite loving each other.

Firstly, in a moment where you're not feeling romantically inclined to someone you're in a relationship with, do you love them only as a friend? Or is there still a feeling of something more? When you're in a moment of little romantic attraction, do you begin to dislike the person you're with? Do you feel suffocated? Would you rather them go away? 

My grey-sexual partner has a very high sex drive, whereas, as a demisexual, I can only feel attraction if I feel romantically loved. I don't want this to be a barrier between us. Grey-sexual people, how do you feel towards those you're physically intimate with?

Thirdly, is there anything I can do to cater to both of our needs? My partner's need for romantic space when they're not inclined in that moment for it, and my need to feel loved and appreciated in a relationship. If there are any grey-romantics or people who are in relationships with grey-romantics, what is your relationship like, how do you feel towards your partner, how do you cope? 

Lastly, what can your partner do to help you feel more comfortable in your relationship. Thank you for your time :)

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I'm nonpartnering myself, but I think probably the most important thing you can do is ask your partner about their boundaries. Everyone will experience things differently, and while it's good to get advice from other greyros, the truth of the matter is only your partner knows what they're comfortable with and what they're not. Talk to them, and ask what you can do to make them feel comfortable.

As to how you can be "in love" with someone with little romantic attraction... Love doesn't necessarily have to be romantic. I don't feel romantic attraction myself, but I love my friends extremely deeply, and I'm happier because they're a part of my life. Every time I talk to them I feel joy, I think about them all the time, and I would be devastated if I lost any of them. Whether it's romantic, platonic, or something else, it sounds like your partner really loves you!
Going forward I would suggest researching the topic of "amatonormativity", and being careful with how you talk about love. For example, I see you ask if there's a "feeling of something more" sometimes; While I get what you mean and I'm sure you didn't mean any harm, this kind of phrasing is frowned upon in the aro community, because it implies that feelings of friendship are lesser or incomplete. It's better to describe them as simply being different. Little things like that can potentially make a difference in how comfortable your partner feels in your relationship.

I'm glad you're trying to learn more about your partner's experience and help them feel comfortable! That's a lovely thing to do, and I wish you two a long and happy relationship. 💚

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