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is it normal to be afraid/to hate being aromantic?


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Guest Valentine

hi, i'm val, and recently i found out i was aro. this was really scary for me because #1 my name is Literally "valentine" and #2 i've always really wanted to have a partner who i loved a lot, kind of like my attraction towards fictional characters, but yk, real. when i first found out about an hour ago, i actually started crying because i really Do Not want to be aromantic and i just wished i was "normal". i have absolutely no problem with aros, i just really dont wanna be one myself. and then i found out i was and i've been thinking that platonic has been romantic my whole entire stupid life and all those fictional crushes were like a normal thing that aros have????????? i literally even googled "how to stop being aromantic". i dont know. is this normal???

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Yes! Internalized acrophobia is absolutely a thing, and it's something that I struggled with for a few years before learning how to accept and eventually appreciate my identity.

Your relationship with your identity is your own, and likewise, it has its own journey and its own timing. Your emotions and feelings are valid, and it might be helpful to reflect on why you might feel this way. What exactly about being aro is appalling to you?

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5 hours ago, Guest Valentine said:

hi, i'm val, and recently i found out i was aro. this was really scary for me because #1 my name is Literally "valentine" and #2 i've always really wanted to have a partner who i loved a lot, kind of like my attraction towards fictional characters, but yk, real. when i first found out about an hour ago, i actually started crying because i really Do Not want to be aromantic and i just wished i was "normal". i have absolutely no problem with aros, i just really dont wanna be one myself. and then i found out i was and i've been thinking that platonic has been romantic my whole entire stupid life and all those fictional crushes were like a normal thing that aros have????????? i literally even googled "how to stop being aromantic". i dont know. is this normal???

It's not an uncommon experience. Internalized arophobia is a thing, just like internalized phobias for any other queer labels people may take up. I know I had a difficult times coming to terms with my identity as an aroace individual. Society is amatonormative, expecting all people to strive for monogamous romantic relationships. That we all experience romantic attraction, and that these pursuits should be a common goal of ours. Especially for those of us socialized female, our worth is usually pinned on this in relation to a man (in cisheteronoramtive expectations). Case in point, it's hard. We've been taught that love exists in hierarchal structures, with romantic love being at the tippy top. That it's the highest and most valuable form of love. But this simply isn't true. 

I get how you're feeling. I consider myself to be a particularly affectionate person who commonly envisioned themself with a romantic partner. But I slowly adjusted my perspective after I began coming to terms with my identity. I realized this wasn't really what I wanted, only something I had been conditioned to want. Though, being aro doesn't mean you'll "die alone". Platonic love isn't any lower than romantic love, and you could still have partner(s) as an aro individua if that's what you're going for. Partners don't have to be only in a romantic dynamic. I have a queerplatonic partner- someone who I consider to be my best friend, but it's like we have more commitments. 

It takes time to learn, it takes time to reconsider your own priorities, needs, and wants. It's okay to feel that way about it though. Self-acceptance isn't a linear line, and there's definitely ups and downs. 

Edited by aroace_auncle
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