Guest demigirl Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 Long story short: my BF and I have been in a very close relationship for years. So close that we now call it for QP. We enjoy each others company very much, like to do things together, travel together, we spend time with each others families, friends, help and support each other etc. She comes by almost everyday and we chat a lot between. She has been lately saying that she would like to live with me, because I am the closest and dearest person she has in her life. She is a very closed person and has not taken anybody else close to her emotionally before (she has a distant relation to her family). She is aro-ace, I am demi of both. I am in love with her, love her to death and she knows it. She is "very fond of me". I get my sex elsewhere. We know each other and where we stand and can talk about it. So far everything is fine. BUT the terrible need to be close to her physically! I am literally dying of it :( She is touch repulse and it is a limit I cannot cross. If I ever do it (even in very short platonic sense, like touch her shoulder) she freezes totally. So, no, I cannot do that. She has no idea why she is that way, she is like that with her family too. My desire to be close to her is eating me, it is often affecting our time together as I need to focus on controlling my desire. Sadly I even sometimes choose NOT to meet her because of this. It breaks her heart. She would wan't to able to give physical closeness - I am not asking for romantic things, just to able to sit next to her, touch her shoulder or back lightly sometimes, maybe hug sometimes - but she cannot and does not know if this will ever change. I am poly and have some other light dates. I can be close to them, but it does not fill the need to be close to her. What should we do? End it? Move on? Move together? Hope for a better? Could I try to change my type of attraction - has anyone experience of this, does it succeed? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holmbo Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 Hmm very intriguing question. Unfortunately I don't have experience with this. Usually in couple relationship the advice would be to break up if one persons needs can not be fulfilled, but maybe there is some way for you to fulfill it in a way your bf would be ok with. I'm not sure how that would be but maybe if we look at other examples it could be inspirational. For example in couples where one person doesn't like to express affection they can have code words for it. Like they decide a phrase means "I love you" so the other person feels more comfortable with it. Maybe there could be some way for you to interact that's a proxy for physical contact? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaxIsCosmic Posted January 7, 2022 Share Posted January 7, 2022 I am also touch repulsed ( I have a few people I am comfortable with tho ) if you can't resist and cross the line that could be very hurtful to her to it might be better if you stayed away. I suggest you talk to her about this see what she thinks. it worked well for me. that's what queerplatonic boyfriend did and it worked out for us eventually we did grow apart tho. so I suggest you talk to her see what she thinks. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest demigirl Posted January 27, 2022 Share Posted January 27, 2022 Thank you for your responses. I am aware that ne usual advice would be break up. But we have talked about it a lot, too. It is the last thing she wishes. She says she is ready to work with the issue so that she could learn to live with occational platonic contact so that I would not have to be so cautios all the time. But still - she does not want or need my closeness. I do want hers. She encourages me to go deeper with some of my dates, to form an another relationship with a physical side. At the same time she is afraid of loosing me, afraid of somebody else to become more important to me because they can offer "all of it". I am not so worried about that as I am poly in my nature and managing many kinds of love is common for me. For her it is different as I am her only emotionally intime relationship (she is very distant with her family and has many friends but does not share emotions or her life with them, rather just hangs around in a group). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaxIsCosmic Posted January 27, 2022 Share Posted January 27, 2022 I'm glad you talked to her, be patient it may take her a bit of time to get used to physical contact and give her a warning/ask before you touch her like ask 'may I have a hug' instead of just hugging her I find those small things make physical contact easier for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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