Guest pangirl Posted August 23, 2021 Share Posted August 23, 2021 I am writing to ask some perspectives on my relationship with my special friend. So, I am a pan/poly and he is aro+ace + touch averse (he has never been in any kind of relationship or had crushes). I also have other romantic/sexual dating partners. We have been friends for 3 years now. Friendship has developed closer and more and more intense over these years. We see 3-4 times a week, we go out, to hikes, films and restaurants, have cup of tee, travel, go to parties and other social gatherings, cook together etc. We chat daily. We ask each others perspectives on most issues of life. We have met each others families and childhood friends. He helps me, supports me and is really sweet. I am his closest friend and relationship, while I have other relationships too. He has lot of friends, but he likes to maintain distance to people both physically and emotionally. He has not even told anyone he is aro/ace. He likes to hang out in a group and I am the only one he meets regurlarly just a two of us. Our bond is so strong and flirting so open that everybody around us comment on it all the time. I have asked about this too, whether he is actually flirting or are we other just getting it wrong. He laughed and said that of course he is, who wouldn’t flirt with a girl like me. But we have no physical contact as he cannot take it (with anyone). He does not like to talk about emotions and I very rarely manage to get him to say anything about us either. I try to be very sensitive about this, because it really seems to cause him anxiety. While ago I asked him whether he still thinks we are just friends. He replied that of probably not, but he still doesn´t want a romantic/sexual relationship and can’t we just let it be what it is. When I asked what it is then, he says he has no idea and he is not comfortable to talk more about it right now. Somewhat new phenomena is that he does not wan’t to talk about my crushes/dates. We used to talk about them a lot. But now he does not reply if I say something. He has even left party of our friends twice because ”you obviosly had something going on and I did not wan´t to stand on a way”. My idea of this is that he is afraid of losing me to romantic relationships, but I cannot know as he does not wan't to talk about this. I am trying my best. Most of the time everything is fine, nice, warm and fun. But – of course – I am in love with him, also romantically. I have told it to him couple of times and he says he knows it and he is ”very fond of me in his own way but cannot feel what I feel”. This is not all easy. I would wan’t to have physical closeness and more talk of emotions, I would wan’t him to let me closer to me in all ways. Sometimes that desire is so strong that I just cry and have to keep distance for him for a while. He understands this and gives me my space to get myself together. If I didn’t have my other romantic dates, I don’t think I could manage this. If I could choose, I would choose not to be in love with him. I´ve tried it all: dating other people, focusing on family and friends, keeping myself busy, using time to myself and things that make me happy, taking ”breaks” from this friendship (this made us both very unhappy). I can’t help it, it does not change. Are there happy endings in stories like this? And by happy I don’t mean him suddenly becaming a romantic person and falling in love with me. No, he is who he is. I am who I am. Happy ending for me would be something we both can live with and be mostly satisfied. Do people get relationhips like this function? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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