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Is it selfish to be aromantic?


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My biggest fear is being left behind by all of the friends I care so deeply about to a romantic interest. It kills me that friendship is all I need to thrive and be happy but for them...my friendship will never ever be enough no matter how hard I work because to so many people, romantic love seems to conquer all. Anyway, my friend recently got into a relationship and I want to tell her my fears and just explain to her where my anxieties are coming from. But I feel selfish telling her because I don't want to manipulate her by expressing my fears. I want her to be happy most of all even if that means I become second tier best friend. But I feel like I'm almost playing a guilt trip on her by telling her. It's almost like what I feel could be passively misunderstood as "I'm terrified of being abandoned and you're causing this so please break up" when really I just mean "I'm terrified of being left alone and I want you to know to help better understand me. I want you to be happy and I'm not asking you to change, just to be aware of how I feel and please don't cut me out". Does anyone else feel this way? 

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I would say you are not selfish in telling her.

Explaining your fears isn't necessarily manipulative, it depends how you go about it.

If you are respectful in the way you ask it would be fine. You seem to have thought about how to tell your friend in a way that doesn't manipulate them. If that person still takes your comments as manipulative then that is on them.

I recommend you have a quick look at the difference between self interest and selfishness. Asking a friend to please not just dissapear from your life seems to fall more into sensibly arguing for your own interests rather than being selfish. To answer your last question, I used to feel this way about many situations where I was asking people to do things for me or for my benefit, but for a while now I have been able to ask myself whether what I am doing is selfish or good self interest and that has madde those feelings a lot more rare.

As an aside, remember it is abslutely possible for someone to balance having a romantic relationship with keeping in touch with friends. For example both my mum and dad are still regularly talking to people they knew from school, including some who they first met over half a century ago. If your friend does cut you out that is a decision on their part that they made, and it is not true for them to point to their romantic partner as a reason.

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