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Recipro/Bellusromantic combo WTF??


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I've known I'm asexual for a couple years now. I only recently realized I'm also on the aromantic spectrum, although I guess I've always sort of suspected it in a way. It's confusing as hell, because upon browsing the many subsets of aromanticism, I'm finding that I fit precisely two that make perfect sense with me. I seem to be a combination recipromantic and bellusromantic. Which basically means that I like the idea of romantic gestures and actions (I love cuddling, holding hands, affectionate touch, etc.) but not actually being in a romantic relationship. That is, until someone shows interest. That's when I will want it. The problem is, further down the line I will realize I didn't actually want it, because I don't actually feel that way about that person, and will revert back to treating the relationship as a friendship, and that just doesn't jive well with the other person. So the relationship ends and I feel bad. I've now gone through two marriages, and am simply done trying to be something to someone that I'm just not meant for. I really just want a good friend I can be close to and hang out and cuddle with, without it being some kind of "significant other" situation. But allonormativity is a thing to work around, I guess. I don't really know where I was going with this, but I guess I just wanted to ask if anyone else felt this way. It's a confusing feeling to both want and not want a relationship. I'm just so tired of hurting people...

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I'm sorry you feel that you're hurting people but I want you to know that you aren't in the long term.  It's okay to experiment with your sexuality and try different things.  Maybe try a QPR, that way you can still be close to someone without having to like them romantically. Even though I don't exactly know how you feel, I understand.  When I was younger allonormativity made me want to like someone. I would try to like my friends in a different light but I couldn't. Once someone told me they liked me and I told them I liked them back because I thought I did and that was what romantic attraction felt like.  We never went out but he asked me several times before I graduated and I felt so confused because I wanted it but I felt repulsed at the same time at the thought of a relationship.  It is nice having someone close to that you can talk to and I think you will find it.  I hope you find someone you can do all the things you want to with and know that it isn't your fault for those marriages.  Have a nice day and stay safe! Ps: here's some aro ice cream to make you feel better. 

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8 hours ago, @crazydreamer said:

I'm sorry you feel that you're hurting people but I want you to know that you aren't in the long term.  It's okay to experiment with your sexuality and try different things.  Maybe try a QPR, that way you can still be close to someone without having to like them romantically.

Thank you, I really needed to hear that. I keep beating myself up over things, and deep down I know I shouldn't but I do anyway. I do think that, eventually, I would like a QPR. From what I keep reading, that seems like it would be best for me. I need someone to be comfortable with who I am, without the expectations of who I'm not. Aside from the two marriages, I've had other girlfriends, some of whom I've since remained friends with. Which just further solidifies the fact that I'm better off being a friend. 

Also, thanks for the ice cream. I did have a craving just now. ?? (Is ice cream to aros what cake is to aces?? I like that.)

 

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  • 1 month later...

My advice?

Platonic cuddle companions where the boundaries and ground rules are set upfront and any changing feelings are communicated so you can distance. Build up a friendship connection first to get comfortable though. 

Many love the skinship but not all want a relationship so best of luck!

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On 4/25/2021 at 7:45 AM, QueerAroAce said:

Platonic cuddle companions where the boundaries and ground rules are set upfront and any changing feelings are communicated so you can distance. Build up a friendship connection first to get comfortable though.

Thank you for your reply. Yes, that sounds like exactly what I want. I'm just not great at making friends in the first place, because I'm not very social. Tough spot to be in, you know? 

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