?? Ahhh??

[BuySomeCheese]

Sorry I’m really bad at titles anyways I’m just going to dump all thoughts related to my questioning of my romantic orientation here and we’ll see what happens lol.

I love my 5 best friends more than anything or anyone else and I’ve tried to feel like that for other people (except romantic edition) but I can’t.

I’ve seen some people describe being romantically attracted to someone as “being in physical pain when you’re not around them” but the way I feel for my friends are definitely not romantic even though my chest feels tight and my limbs get shaky if they’re hurting or I haven’t been able to see them. 

The 6 of us do have tentative plans and dreams of living together after we graduate for a bit, and when I tell you that that’s all I want, to be able to wake up and see them and cook dinner with them and know that they’re right there. 

The one time I was in a romantic relationship, we dated for 8 months and I was definitely attracted to her for at least the first four months (? about, maybe less) but after that I was just suffocated and honestly scared, and while it has come to light that she’s kinda toxic and not a great person or friend, I think I would’ve felt the same with anyone else. I also mainly said yes to her asking me out because I knew she liked me and I thought that that was how people started liking others and while that’s not completely wrong from what I’ve seen, it was definitely the wrong move for me to make. 

When I was in 6th grade, for about a year and half, I thought I had a crush on one of my 5 people. Maybe I did, I’m definitely more attracted to her physically than I am the other 4, but I don’t think any romantic feelings ever actually existed. I think I was confusing physical and sexual attraction with romantic maybe?

I used to be really obsessed with romance and all but suddenly I really couldn’t care less?

I’ve been reading fanfiction (not exactly sfw either unfortunately) since like 5th grade (and I honestly don’t remember why or how? But anyways) and maybe that skewed my perception of romance? But also I’ve never been a fan of romantic fluff or angst fanfiction really, idk.

My mom is a single mother and I’ve never had a constant example of a relationship from her, so maybe that had also affected the way I see romantic relationships? She dated one person when I was about 8 and not for long, and now she’s kinda? with another dude but idk, I feel like I’d feel the same about relationships and romance no matter what she had done when I was younger, but maybe?

I think it’s kinda funny that I’m questioning my romantic orientation when my best friends had gone to me to ask if how a crush felt when they were wondering if they liked each other (they did, they’ve been dating for over a year and are so cute together omgs).

One of my friends (not one of my 5) has/had a crush on me and I feel pretty similarly to when I was dating my ex about it sometimes. Like, I’ve explained to them that I’m not ready for a relationship and I don’t want to hurt them and I’m really emotionally confused and unavailable rn, but I think they’re holding out for me to come around and I don’t think that’ll happen. I really can’t see myself dating them. When I first met them, I felt a lot of really strong emotions but I think it was just a huge rush of platonic emotions? Idk I feel like I’m leading them on a bit and I hate it so I kept accidentally ghosting them.

On the topic of people having a crush on me, I’m usually really good at telling when people like me. Idk why, I just know that I don’t do anything about it. It usually doesn’t affect me much because idk I don’t feel much for them back in any way. I don’t know if this is relevant I just think it’s funny.

Another thing relating to being the object of people’s romantic attraction- I think two of my friends (these people are part of the 5) think they have a crush on me. One of them is the girl I used to maybe like so I love that timing lol. I have been getting those vibes from her on and off for eh about a year now maybe. I don’t really mind that these two think they like me. I don’t think that either of them really do, one of them keeps jumping from boy to boy which is fine! but it’s mainly to escape from her negative mental health, and the other is really confused about everything all the time. Idk of course I can’t tell what they’re feeling unless they tell me but that’s just what I’ve deduced. 

I think I’m probably allosexual, which makes some things about romance feel confusing to me? I mean, I’m not looking to have sex anytime soon, I’m a minor and I’m also too dysphoric for that rn. But I do like the idea, in a fwb way? But then that makes me feel like shallow ig which is silly because I don’t think it is inherently but some part of my brain does apparently.

I say I’m probably polyamorous because I don’t feel jealous ever really, I feel protective over people and I think I’ve mistaken that for jealousy in the past. But idk?

I also say I’m biromantic usually because I feel the same towards different people of different genders, it depends on the person? Idk that one doesn’t make much sense I saw on the “YMBAI” post someone worded what I’m trying to say much better.

I really like romance in theory (media, books, music, etc.) but in practice it feels icky.

Idk I might come back here if I remember or discover more things

Edit: O wow that really don’t be making any sense nice

Edited February 14, 2021 by Gabriel14

[Apathetic Echidna]

7 hours ago, Gabriel14 said:

fanfiction (not exactly sfw

haha, yeah that is par for the course. 

I can't address everything you have written, and really, you know yourself the best so you will have to work though these thoughts yourself, I only hope I can maybe give you some things to think about

 

7 hours ago, Gabriel14 said:

I also say I’m biromantic usually because I feel the same towards different people of different genders

I'll let you know that several people here on Arocalypse thought they were pansexual but later realised they were asexual. Feeling the same towards people of different genders is an 'all' or 'nothing' thing, and it can be very tricky/confusing to differentiate between the 'all' or the 'nothing'. Personal experience, hindsight, and reading other people's stories is what is going to have to guide you on that one. 

7 hours ago, Gabriel14 said:

My mom is a single mother and I’ve never had a constant example of a relationship from her, so maybe that had also affected the way I see romantic relationships?

Unless you were living in some sort of situation like Room (2015) I don't think this would be a significant influence. Romance and love are literally everywhere in media, fairly present at education facilities, somewhat occurring in public spaces. It is kinda hard to escape seeing it.

On a similar point, being on the a-spectrum has (pretty much) nothing to do with your choice of books or movies. Sure, if you have an aversion to romance fluff it could be a sign but then I know plenty of alloromantics who don't like romance fluff and aromantics who like romance fluff. Basically personal preference in the media you consume is just that, personal preference, not an orientation.     

How you feel around the people who have admitted to liking you in a romantic way, and how you felt in a relationship, are probably the things you should try working out. Have a read around the forums and see if anything sounds familiar or clicks. I found my own label simply by reading an obscure orientation list and I instantly recognised the definition as representative of my experience, but many others here have found their labels by reading how others feel or how they reacted to situations. Good luck on your journey!

[BuySomeCheese]

Thank you, the points you made are really helpful!!!!