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Grayro dating and an impending sense of doom


Mightier Pen
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Right, so, first post outside of the intro forum. Going to skip over some details that are in that post for brevity's sake, but key details: I'm turning 37 in a few months, I've been aware of the concept of grayromanticism for a little more than a year, and only using the label for myself for about six months. After five years of being single, I've begun seeing a woman. We had the discussion early on about my figuring out grayro stuff, she's aware it's a thing.

I rarely date, and when I do things usually flame out around the three-month mark, which is where I am with the current lady. For the first time, though, I'm paying attention to my inner monologue in ways I never have before because of my awareness of grayromanticism. And my inner monologue varies between tugging at my sleeve and screaming in my ear that I Need To Get Out. It's reminding me that I'm happier alone/on my own, that the small things are going to get more problematic, etc. But intellectually I know that I could be quite happy with this woman. She's been great so far in most ways, and our personalities complement each other well. Despite that, I'm feeling the nascent attraction flagging, and I've always been one of those people who has to logic my way into an emotional attraction. The thing is, I'm not sure if that monologue is me self-sabotaging or if it's legitimate grayromantic concern or if it's me noticing small problems before they become big issues or or or...you get it.

So the crux of my issue is that I'm not sure how much space to give to that voice in my head, how legitimate it is, and how much I should trust it versus my intellect--if they're really even in disagreement.

And yeah, I know, therapy. Currently job hunting, it's getting punted until I sort that out. I'm specifically here to see if others have been through this kind of cognitive muck, and what insights you've found as you worked through the issues.

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yeah very familiar with the NEED TO GET OUT voice, for me its always a sign that I am structuring a relationship in a way that is just not going to be sustainable for me long term. Personally I have a lot of trouble with the intensity level of romantic-ish relationships (e.g. expectation that you are in contact most everyday, see each other very frequently, etc) and find I am much happier if a relationship is structured more like a friendship (e.g. you see/talk to each other often, but if you fall out of touch for a few weeks because you are both busy thats fine). I also feel much less pressure to perform a romantic role I am unsuited for if the relationship is non-exclusive (but I am poly, so might not be applicable to you).  

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Your lines sound very familiar.
I experienced the same issue. I couldn't solve it. In the end, it always ended with me breaking everything off when I tried to date someone. In cases I didn't break it off soon, it ended in an unhealthy on and off relationship because I couldn't handle the demands, yet still wanted to keep trying because my mind told me "hey, it's not *that* bad". Didn't mean I was happy. Do you feel happy with the woman you are seeing?
I personally regret it because I've hurt people much more than it should've been necessary.
That's why I'd say romo relationships don't feel or come natural to me (to you apparently as well). I can grasp it on an intellectual level, but not on the emotional.
Can agree with Rose Grace though, I find the intensity level in romantic-coded relationships exhausting and could only maintain a "friendship-like romance". Then it is the question how the other person feels about it. It's a good thing she knows about your orientation so there may be more room for negotiation. Maybe you guys should talk about your needs and how they can be met. If you then still hear the voice that is telling you to get out, you should consider it. Her feelings matter of course, but yours just as much.

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