Mightier Pen

+1 to the feeling of "wait there's a name for this?" For years, I've been joking with my friends that I'm the counterweight to all the poly folk in my friend group. Turns out, yeah, I kinda am.

If this is something you decide that you want to continue pursuing--which, as is noted above, you're under no obligation to do--I wonder if conceptualizing this as a relationship is part of what's causing the pressure you're feeling. There's a lot of pressure to define things, society tells us that spending time with someone = dating and dating = relationship, but that's just not true. This person is your best friend, and if your friendship looks different but is still supportive and rewarding to both of you, then, cool? But if it's not, then that's also a useful thing to know as well. Your best friend will continue to support you, they went into this eyes open. If you're not feeling like this is the right thing for you right now, take a step back. You got this.

It also strikes me that, at 13, how your daughter reacts to relationships likely isn't set in stone yet. There's a lot that's in flux during adolescence, including one's sense of self and sense of boundaries. Especially if she's getting pressure at school or elsewhere outside the home to find people attractive and pressure to be in a relationship. I know even now at almost 37, when I'm around people who are hyper-fixated on relationships and romance, it's unpleasant for me. But I've also learned to be genuinely, sincerely happy for my friends when they find a healthy romance/partnership(s). Keep the lines of communication open. She's got an incredibly supportive mom already, you can help her figure stuff out.

Oof. Yeah, been there. I think this might actually be part of why I have a habit of avoiding dating in my friend group like they're radioactive. Have you discussed aro stuff with him? I know for me flirting is an intellectual exercise--it's witty banter and repartee, word games and puns and innuendo (and out the other)--often more than an emotional exercise. Maybe, if you're the same way, the intellectual giving way to the emotional is part of what's bringing this up?

Right, so, first post outside of the intro forum. Going to skip over some details that are in that post for brevity's sake, but key details: I'm turning 37 in a few months, I've been aware of the concept of grayromanticism for a little more than a year, and only using the label for myself for about six months. After five years of being single, I've begun seeing a woman. We had the discussion early on about my figuring out grayro stuff, she's aware it's a thing. I rarely date, and when I do things usually flame out around the three-month mark, which is where I am with the current lady. For the first time, though, I'm paying attention to my inner monologue in ways I never have before because of my awareness of grayromanticism. And my inner monologue varies between tugging at my sleeve and screaming in my ear that I Need To Get Out. It's reminding me that I'm happier alone/on my own, that the small things are going to get more problematic, etc. But intellectually I know that I could be quite happy with this woman. She's been great so far in most ways, and our personalities complement each other well. Despite that, I'm feeling the nascent attraction flagging, and I've always been one of those people who has to logic my way into an emotional attraction. The thing is, I'm not sure if that monologue is me self-sabotaging or if it's legitimate grayromantic concern or if it's me noticing small problems before they become big issues or or or...you get it. So the crux of my issue is that I'm not sure how much space to give to that voice in my head, how legitimate it is, and how much I should trust it versus my intellect--if they're really even in disagreement. And yeah, I know, therapy. Currently job hunting, it's getting punted until I sort that out. I'm specifically here to see if others have been through this kind of cognitive muck, and what insights you've found as you worked through the issues.

Not really sure how much I feel like putting out here, but the basics seem a necessary place to begin. I'm a 36 (37 this year) y.o. cis male. I only discovered the grayromantic label in January of last year, only started using it as a reference point around April, and have only accepted it as a self-identifier for around six months. I've had exactly three serious relationships, and have spent roughly five years between each of them because, well, romance and romantic partnerships just aren't a driving force for me. I enjoy being alone--I'm good at being alone. And finding a potential partner whom I like more than I like being on my own has always been a challenge. I have a great group of friends who love me and whom I love, and there's really never been much of a push in my mind to settle down or partner up. But after five years of being voluntarily single, I've been seeing a lady and...this is the first time I've attempted dating since becoming aware of being grayro, and the experience is providing me with new awareness and new challenges. Plus, I'm struggling with how/whether I want to fit under the "queer" umbrella, since it's highly unlikely that I'll ever face any kind of discrimination for being someone who rarely takes to a relationship. Beyond that, I'm one of those elder millennial nerds, straddling the line between GenX and Millennial culture. I have an MFA in creative writing (hence the user name), and focus on SF/F/H storytelling. Mostly I write sci-fi and horror, but my upcoming WIP is going to be a fantasy satire. Not sure how much time I'll be spending on here, but definitely looking to find some community support and talk with folx who have been through the shit I'm still figuring out.