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Confused about my romantic orientation


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Hello everyone,

this is the first time that I'm posting in this forum, so hi everybody ?

I'm 25 years old and also asexual. My feelings about romance confuse me a great deal, and I thought some input from other people could help me understand it better. Thanks in advance for reading this and telling me your thoughts! The thing is sometimes I strongly believe that I'm aromantic, and sometimes I believe I'm only in the grayish zone.

I thought it might be useful to tell you about my past romantic (?) experiences (they are in chronological order):

  • When I was a child and heard about marriage my usual thought was "adults do this? I don't want to do it, but I'm also no adult".
  • When I was 12 I started to befriend a girl in my class. I was sure that she loved me, and I thought that I loved her too, but for some reason it didn't feel right to tell her. Maybe I was too anxious, maybe I was always waiting for a better moment to ask her, or maybe I was already aware that a relationship is not something for me and that it will hurt her feelings when I would have to break up again.
  • When I was around 16 and whenever a girl has openly crushed on me I really didn't know what to do. I was afraid of hurting the person and always acted very weirdly, nervously, and anxiously around them. Eventually they stopped crushing on me.
  • I recently had a possible crush on a girl. I liked her because of her  personality, how she looked, how she moved, and how she smelled. Although I liked her personality we didn't talk much and never really connected in conversations. I eventually asked her out on a date because it was what I had learned to do from media, but she declined. It was no big deal: I was a bit disappointed, but also a bit happy. After she declined my feelings slowly faded.
  • Shortly after finding out about my asexuality I started using a dating app. My rationale behind this was "being asexual makes it harder to find a relationship, and if I don't start searching for a partner now I will never find someone". I eventually got bored and didn't see the point in using it anymore.
  • I have had feelings for other people that were probably not platonic and not romantic. The best I can describe these feelings is like having found a soulmate. They made me think a lot about the person, made me wanting to be closer, and made me feel like they were completing me like a lost part of myself. I still have problems in dealing with the "lost part of myself" feeling, so if you have similar feelings it would be nice to here some advice from you.
  • When I discovered queerplatonic relationships I found them adorable, and I think I would like to be part of one.
  • I have never been in a relationship, and I don't really understand how relationships work. I think what I don't understand is what the other person expects of me, and why they expect it.
  • I don't understand dating culture. I know that the supposed purpose is to get to know the other person and to see if you're compatible, but I don't understand how a date should differ from a meetup with a new friend.
  • Very rarely I have moments similar to love at first sight. I see a person and get stunned by them. I don't know if it's because they are looking very beautiful, or because I sense some kind of connection with them, or if it's something else. The best I can describe this connection is a feeling of being genetically compatible with the other person if that makes any sense. What it does is sound like I'm a cyborg.

What are your thoughts? Do you have any similar feelings or thoughts?

With kind regards,


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Hey Holmbo,

thanks for your advice to look at the different terms! I had looked into some of them before but your source contains some terms that I didn't know before, e.g. Exteramo attraction. I think my problem is that I can't really recognize myself in any of the terms. I probably experience Alterous or Exteramo attraction to some degree but these terms are just described as "not platonic and not romantic". I guess what I would like to know is how Alterous or Exteramo attraction feel like for other people so that I can say wether or not my feelings are romantic or Alterous/Exteramo. Right now I don't really understand what romantic feelings are, and since I don't know how they feel like I also can't say what they do NOT feel like, but unfortunately this is how Alterous/Exteramo attraction is defined. Are there maybe already posts on this forum about how Alterous or Exteramo attraction feels like?

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