Am I aro??? Or not???

[PossibleAro0827]

Hi. I’m new and also very very confused. So I had someone I was asked out by and they said they did it out of pity and I cried because I wanted to go out with them. The problem is, idk if I ever actually “fell in love” with them but I wanted to be in that sort of relationship with them????? According to what I’ve read online, people think about their “love interest” a lot, like 85% of the time and my mind was just blown. Like I get it, they’re in love so they’re probably going to feel serious emotions, but 85% OF THE TIME? It’s weird, I know but I’ve heard there are people like this. I never felt “butterflies in my stomach” or thought about them all of the time, so I’m wondering if I can get some help from aromantics. Please.

Edited January 4, 2021 by PossibleAro0827
Misspelled word

[Guest Guest]

You might be cupioromantic if you want romantic relationships, so that's something to look into if you think it could be the case. Bellusromantic is another possibility, though that would be more of a liking of the idea and fluff of relationships rather than the reality of being in one. Idk if you like microlabels though. 

What with telling the difference between romantic attraction and alterous/platonic/other sorts of attraction, you are the only one who can truly decide what you're feeling, but I feel this site may help with that. Good luck!

[PossibleAro0827]

Because I’m happy being single when I don’t think about the fact that I’m single, and I was OBSESSED with Disney as a kid and you know how they definitely contributed to the idea that you can’t ever be happy unless you’re in a romantic relationship, and I always though I’d end up in one, but lately I’ve realized that I might not really feel those feelings for other people if you know what I mean.  

1 hour ago, Guest Guest said:

You might be cupioromantic if you want romantic relationships, so that's something to look into if you think it could be the case. Bellusromantic is another possibility, though that would be more of a liking of the idea and fluff of relationships rather than the reality of being in one. Idk if you like microlabels though. 

What with telling the difference between romantic attraction and alterous/platonic/other sorts of attraction, you are the only one who can truly decide what you're feeling, but I feel this site may help with that. Good luck!

 

Edited December 23, 2020 by PossibleAro0827

[Guest Guest]

Yes definitely! It's hard to overcome internalized amatonormativity, which led me (personally) to ID as cupio for quite a while. (Not that everyone who identifies as such is 'in denial' or whatnot, I'm sure there are some who genuinely want romantic relationships and are totally valid in identifying as they do, but this was just in my case.) Further knowledge of alternative relationships such as qprs and chosen families helped me accept that a romantic relationship was not the type I (personally) truly wanted. 

Again, of course if you think it over and you are affirmed in your want for a romantic relationship, you are in no way invalid and this is just my experience. 

Love being broadcasted as the main topic of most popular songs is somewhat brainwashing as well.

[PossibleAro0827]

4 hours ago, Guest Guest said:

Yes definitely! It's hard to overcome internalized amatonormativity, which led me (personally) to ID as cupio for quite a while. (Not that everyone who identifies as such is 'in denial' or whatnot, I'm sure there are some who genuinely want romantic relationships and are totally valid in identifying as they do, but this was just in my case.) Further knowledge of alternative relationships such as qprs and chosen families helped me accept that a romantic relationship was not the type I (personally) truly wanted. 

Again, of course if you think it over and you are affirmed in your want for a romantic relationship, you are in no way invalid and this is just my experience. 

Love being broadcasted as the main topic of most popular songs is somewhat brainwashing as well.

Yeah exactly! It kind of is, to the point where I’ve tried to write a song before and I was like “Well, I haven’t been in love and that’s what the majority of songs are about so....yeah.”

[roboticanary]

A few thoughts

It is hard to disentangle whether you want a romantic relationship due to desiring romance or because strong societal pressures push you towards one or make you feel unworthy if you are not in one. Also it might be that a lot of your sadness from that relationship you talk about is tied up in the way they turned you down. If I wanted to be around some one or respected by them and they told me they asked me out out of pity I would be very unhappy.

working out what sort of relationship you would or would not be interested in is the thing I think would be helpful here. Before I heard about aromanticism there was friends and lovers and casual screws, pick one. that was about all I knew,  looking back I see that some of my frustration has been because I wanted a style of companionship that simply did not fit into those neat boxes.None of us can take away your confusion from just seeing a couple of comments but this is the advice I think would be most helpful, have a long think about what you actually wanted from that person and see if it fits with some more aro fitting concepts like qprs or found family as guest suggests.

Not feeling that apparent butterflies feeling seems to be something common to a lot of aros, myself included.

lastly that 85 percent of the time thing sounds wrong, like romance version of the every 6 seconds nonsense. not sure where you heard that but there has to be some qualification to that because it is just a daft number. 15% left to deal with eating, sleeping, all hygene, freinds and family, work, every hobby you have, cats, all education and just the thinking you need to do to make it through the day. I bet that stat is bollocks.