Orientation confusion ;-;

[Guest Guest]

I can't know that I am what I am, and I'm too young, and I might just be a late bloomer, and how can I expect people to believe me that I am what I am if I don't believe myself? Because sometimes my chest aches and I break down about my identity, I'm halfway closeted, I'm trying to wait until I'm sixteen to come out but I don't know if I can without slipping up, I'm afraid I'd come out as aro and have it end up that I'm really straight and then if I have any qprs I might feel guilty about them like I was lying to them, because it's really hard to try to take something from nothing and I just can't be sure. I'm out to a few close friends and they're really great but when I talk about it too much I'm worried I'm being obnoxious or something, and try not to talk about it as much. I don't know what I'd do if someone asked me what my orientation was, I'd probably freeze up and have trouble getting my thoughts straight. I don't know what I'm asking, even. I guess I just want to talk about it, maybe, or get some advice.

[Aroacerabbit]

Hi! I seem to be about you’re age and I completely agree and have felt everything you are saying. I think something that has helped me recently to come to terms with it is that people change and it’s ok if you’re identity changes (although I completely feel you when you say you’re worried about being too young, I worry about the same thing which is one of the reasons I’ve only come out to one person so far). One thing that really helps me, and I think about it when I’m doubting myself, is the book Loveless by Alice Oseman. She’s an AMAZING LGBTQ+ author and artist and Loveless has an aroace main character. I related a lot to her and had a lot of similar feelings and it helped me realize I was ace. Whenever I doubt my identity I think about how I felt reading that book and how connected I felt to the character and her experiences. 

If you’re really worried about slipping up, you could say something like you’re questioning your identity or something along those lines if you needed? For the qpr thing I would say don’t feel like you’re lying to them. You’re going with what you felt good identifying with at the time. If that changes, you’re still the same person, just with a better understanding of who you are. It was really nice to see someone phrase it this way considering it writes out a lot of my thoughts and experiences very clearly. Sorry if this wasn’t the best written out advice but hope it helped! Just remember  everyone in this community loves you and you have lots of friends/allies <3

[Guest Guest]

Thank you so much for responding with your thorough reply. I've heard of that book, though I haven't read it, and have listened to a couple excerpts actually, and would like to read it sometime although I'm not comfortable with openly reading it rn. Also yes orientation can fluctuate which I've given thought to and during the time I was questioning I flipped around different labels a great deal, but personally having to re-come out as a different orientation seems really stressful and I'd want to avoid that if possible. Thank you so much again, though I think I will end up waiting it out (in a sense) until I feel completely grounded in my identity before I am completely open about it. Sorry also for the rant-like nature of my post, I just,, agh sometimes.... 

With friends and allies, I think this community is great, but it bothers me sometimes seeing those who exclude aros/aces from the lgbtqia+ community in general,, I know a lot of people believe we do belong though (including me and I bet a lot of those on here) and it's easy to focus on loud negative voices versus more passive positive ones. 

❤️ no romo/qp <: 

[Aroacerabbit]

Waiting to come out makes complete sense and honestly is what I plan on doing as well. I also think when you are comfortable openly reading Loveless it is definitely a great one to read and I highly recommend it. And honestly, I love seeing rant-like posts and I often make them or think them as well. Often they are the easiest and clearest way to understand our emotions. <3

[Guest Guest]

Yes, thank youuu

Seeing a few of your earlier posts I can also relate to- right after lockdown I kind of reflected on myself and came across different terms and was able to accept it somewhat, whereas the year before I'd been kind of teetering on the edge, thinking I could be ace but not really knowing what that meant (not knowing ace versus aro, any spectrum of it, now I know aro was what I was thinking I could be) and being pretty much in denial, not wanting to think about it because I thought being ace was a flat, blunt term meaning aroace wherein you couldn't have any sort of relationship. This was somewhat depressing as I felt, as I sort of metioned, like the only option was romantic relationships and that I'd be lying to people if I partook in them, or similarly that I'd be alone forever. But simultaneously I felt invalid for these feelings based on my age which kind of sucks..

[Guest Guest]

Also with your post about terms like 'love is love', I think it sounds beautiful, but then I doubt myself because of it. I feel somewhat disconnected from terms like these, which is kind of isolating,, I'm not saying the term should be dropped, it's good it;s just not perfect I guess. 

[Aroacerabbit]

I agree. And it makes me so happy that you relate to some of my earlier posts. I love seeing posts I can relate to! I think that a lot of terms work for the communities they were created for and I think there is always room for improvement and innovation. I do agree that the terms focusing on love can feel disconnected though. I hope we can both become more confident in our identities as the year moves on and continues into 2021!

[Guest Guest]

Yes, same. Best of luck <: