Am I aromantic?

[Guest Duskywing]

Hello aros, hope you re doing well! I can t tell if this site is still active or not really? I see occasional posts but it also seems mostly dead - then again, I haven t hanged around much, I m mostly lurking around over on AVEN, so it s entirely possible that I just didn t notice activity. I can t even tell if my post will ever get approved either haha. But okay. Guess I ll try. To write something. I hope I ll rememeber to check this. And I hope someone will take their time to read through it and respond. I can already tell it s going to get long. And if you reach the end, congrats and thanks! You deserve extra ice cream.

First a bit of background? I m a teenage girl currently identifying as ace. I don t think that s something that ll ever change about me tbh but, I m open to it changing nevertheless. I mean. It s fine if it does. I feel comfy as ace but okay sure, it could change. And I d be cool with it. I know sexuality is fluid. I might not be ace in two years. And that d be totally fine. But I m ace now.

Guess you could say I... embr-ace my sexuality? Haha.

Fine. I m sorry. I couldn t help myself. I have more but I ll stop. ...for now?

I don t even feel aesthetic attraction to guys generally. I do to most girls I suppose, as well as sometimes with more feminine people, whether they be guys or non binary pals or anything in between. I don t understand the concept of crushes / whatever.

That s not really my point, just a tad bit of context, I guess? So now, onto the aro aspect.

I m currently in a relationship with a girl. I say currently as if it s something but I ve been in this relationship for what, a week or two? I m aware it s not much. Now here s the thing. She s not just any girl. She s been my friend for four years. I know her honestly better than she knows herself. How we act hasn t actually changed now that we re in a "official" romantic relationship. We used to have friendly-flirting and all, joking about getting married and being in a relationship and moving in together and - You get the point. Now that s the good stuff. It s the part where it s all sunshine and rainbows. Where we have chemistry and have fun, where she s cool with me being ace and questioning being ace herself and where it seems like our relationship is all good to go, ready to work. But yes, things don t always go so smoothly.

Because even so, I don t feel comfortable calling her my girlfriend. I don t feel comfortable telling her "i love you". I wonder if I d feel comfortable telling her "i love you" just platonically, even. I tell my best friend "i love you" platonically and feel comfy with t h a t, all s good. Maybe I just don t click with her though? Damn look. Even now, I can t bring myself to say "girlfriend". It s just... her. Someone. Because that s the thing. It s been /joking/ about getting married and /joking/ about having a relationship. In reality, I ve never wanted any of that. For as long as I can remember I ve never actually been into the whole "marriage" thing for example. And relationships don t sound that good.

They never did.

They re just.

Not my cup of tea.

I suppose.

Maybe it ll turn out that they are.

And that they have been along. Perhaps she s just not "the one" for me or whatever. Yeah yeah I m still young and ik it. But if I say that I m waiting for the right person I ll only wait and wait and wait until I die and then when I die perhaps I could have met this mythical person had I lived more? And I solve nothing. But she s not even the problem. It s not like I ve had romantic feelings for anyone else. It s not like I even know what romantic feelings are. Is it romantic? Is it platonic? What in the world is it? Just. What is it. Please. Someone tell me I-

How did I even get myself in this situation then? Idk either. We were talking and one thing led to another and...

I m building up the tension...

Andddd I m doing it for nothing. Because it s not some grand conclusion. It s merely me doing stupid things and having no idea what to do with my life. Aka I just said that I m cool with the idea of a relationship. That I don t mind it. Because I don t... exactly mind it, ig. I don t. I really don t. I don t care. 

That s the problem.

Why don t I care? Am I supposed to feel something now that I m in a..  relationship or whatever? Am I supposed to feel romantic things in general? What even /is/ romantic attraction? This is all so... confusing. It s a mess.

Neither do I get romance movies. Or why people do ridiculous things in the name of "love". And the whole list. Or rather, I get them on an abstract level. I understand them... abstractly. Just like I d understand, idk, math? No, not math. That s not a good comparison.

Okay so you see, it is now 1am where I live. And I should sleep. And I don t know what I m saying && I am too tired to reread this. And if I have grammar mistakes please excuse me and rememeber English ain t my first language and again, it s late. And I feel like I m writing a damn essay or book with all this manner of speech plus random puns. Speaking of the puns, I d sprinkle in more but I want to keep matters you know, more or less serious. Because it s a serious subject to me. It s just... Important.

"But," you ll say, "Dusk, you re still young and you have time to figure it out and you shouldn t rush all of this and-" Yeah, yeah I know. Maybe I need to go to bed. And that s all. I ll find myself, eventually. They re just labels. It s still me, the same me. But regardless I... want tips for what to do now? I m the only one who can really know, but do you think I could be aromantic?

Should I...  get out of this relationship that I m not very comfy with? What should I say? She said that it s ok if I m aro our relationship could maybe be queerplatonic or something (I introduced her to the qp term). But idek if I want that. Because qp sounds deeper than what I feel like I am able to feel and I don t want to be unfair towards myself or, most importantly, towards her. I do want to be her friend tho. I wouldn t see any difference. Same thing. Same us. I wonder if she d want that. I don t want to break our frienfship.

Also, on a closing note, maybe I ll forget to check this post. But even if I do, I hope some random stranger from the other side of the world will find this thread in five years and it ll help them with something, even if the replies won t be in time for me, or even if I ll forget about this.

Anyway. Have a good day/night, and thanks again for reading all the way here! I m surprised you didn t loose patience since it s all random rambling and most of it most likely doesn t make any sense. You all, please remember you re valid ❤️

 

 

[NotHeartless]

Hello Dusk and welcome to the forums!
Yes, people here are still active, don't worry .

To get to the issue:
It's really good you are open with your gf and talk about your aromantic feelings. If you don't want a QPR, that's fine.
Reading your post, my gut feeling says yeah, you could be aro. It could also be you and your gf don't match very well, but you said it all resulted in it because of jokes. So, there wasn't a romantic desire in the first place. There wasn't romantic attraction, it was maybe more like "yeah, we should try that, we could try it, because we are such good friends" (wich is nice, really!). But to say it outright: I'm an adult of 25 years, I identify as aro since a few years and I would feel and react pretty much the same way you described it if I'd be in a relationship (that and I would feel so uncomfortable, I would probably break up already). There are two things which I'd advice you to do: First, see how it goes the next days or weeks and second, keep talking with your gf about your feelings (and vice versa). I don't think there will be a change in your feelings but just to give yourself and her enough time talk and realize the situation you guys are in.
That's all for now, I'm sure other members will answer you too. I like puns, so it was a nice read .
Hope it helps a bit and you check the forums again.

Edited December 3, 2020 by NotHeartless

[Neon]

So, for your main question, I do think you could be aro. That label is up to you if it fits and you want to use it though.

As for your current relationship, if you are uncomfortable in it, I'd break it off. Even if there were romantic feelings (which you said there probably weren't), you shouldn't be in a relationship solely because of that, especially if you aren't comfortable with it. If you want to wait longer, and experiment and see, make sure you are doing so critically, and not forcing yourself to do something you aren't okay with - even if that's just a QPR.

As for saying "I love you", I find it hard to do that with my friends platonically, even when they do it first. The one time I have been okay with it is when "platonically" was specified.

2 hours ago, Guest Duskywing said:

I get them on an abstract level. I understand them... abstractly.

That is exactly how I understand romantic love. In an abstract sense with a lot of similes helping me along. It's like, I get it, but also I very much do not. And every time I've thought I understood what romantic love was, I turned out to be wrong.

[Guest Duskywing]

Okay, me again. Guess I did remember to check this after all- Actually, I ll be honest, I didn t even remember that I posted it. (which is why, kids, you don t stay up till 1am, and if for some reason you do decide to stay up till 1am, don t post random things on the internet) I had copied it though and this morning when I wanted to paste something, I woke up with my two and a half pages essay about maybe being aro. So... fun times, fun times. I don t regret posting it though, I m glad that I gathered up the courage to do it.

Thank you lots for the two replies so far! You could say you- aro-se from your slumber and responded? No? Was that terrible? I m such a disgr-ace with all these puns and deserving of a pun-isment and-

Putting that aside- yes, I m surprised that people actually took the time to read through that mess and post answers, especially so quickly? Idek why I didn t actually imagine I ll get responses this fast. Also- maybe I should make an account on here so that I can easily return. 

Okay so... the main point s talking to her, I suppose. Yeah, I m aware that I shouldn t stay in a relationship if it s making me even mildly uncomfortable, especially without talking things through with my gf, I guess I m just scared of what she ll say and I m scared of making her upset and whatnot? What if she won t understand how I feel and she ll take it personally or something- and what if it ll put an end to our friendship or turn it awkward. I wouldn t mind continuing as we were till now and being just friends-

(Ah I could rant all day about why I don t like the phrase "just friends" since it implies that friendships and/or platonic love are somehow less important than romantic/sexual relationships. As if different types of love don t exist and/or as if they can even be compared. But that s so beside my point and only tangentially related to what I m talking about. So to get back on track.)

And um, I guess that I wish I could be romantically attracted to her- though most probably I ll never be. And I feel bad for even saying that. Perhaps they aren t even well grounded fears and all but... And I m pretty aware that communication is the key. Soo I should wait a bit more, see how things go then somehow get myself to talk to her. Hoping she ll be understanding. And I shouldn t force myself. Okay- I m. Trying.

Thanks again and stay safe, in case anyone else decides to comment anything on the thread I ll be sure to check it