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I hate that I don't "get it"


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Really just wondering if anyone can relate and/or advice.

A rant, featuring feelings of inadequacy and confusion:

I really, really hate that I can't understand romantic love. A little part of me does appreciate that I won't get sucked into that, but I don't even know what "that" is. And it bothers me. I keep finding descriptions that I think that I maybe understand but then I get those feelings singing in the car with my family.

I badly want to understand it. Part of it, I'm sure, is some internalized amatonormativity and arophobia where if I understand it, I'll feel it, but its not just that. I try to understand everything I come across, analyzing anything, from a random rock to social interactions that happened years ago. And I usually get a satisfying conclusion. But this time, I keep failing to grasp at staws that I feel like I should be able to see, but still can't.

It feels like there is a wall inside my brain preventing me from understanding it, and every time I realize I was wrong, it gets stronger. Which, true, affirms my identity, which makes be feel good, but also makes me feel frustrated and sad, like I failed again. 

At this point, I'm not really looking for even more explanations, because it seems doing so has been harmful to me. Still, it would be nice to know if anyone feels the same way.

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I definitely can relate to being frustrated with not being able to understand something in general. But I think it comes down to different types of understanding. There's intellectually understanding something, abstract understanding, and the kind of understanding that can only come from experience. For romance, I've settled for abstract and intellectual understanding. I know it's an attraction, I know common beliefs/philosophies about it, I know how people often behave or expect to behave in it, I know it means a lot to many people. And sometimes I can, in a roundabout way, connect to elements of it, but mostly not. So I go by observation and anecdotes to understand it as best I can given my experiences or lack thereof. I don't know if that's helpful or applicable to your situation, but I do think it's good to try and make peace with certain gaps of knowledge as wildly irritating and unsatisfying as that can be (I am...very pro seeking knowledge in general lol, but for certain things you gotta cut your losses)

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My father grew up on a farm raising crops?‍?, knew everything about building/fixing houses? & traveled everywhere he wanted by hopping on train boxcars?.  I am not a physically strong person who can do those things.  Although he wanted me to be a carpenter like him, he was impressed by my genealogy research?.  My best friend is good at tribal arts like archery?, beadwork? & riding?.  I lack the dexterity & am afraid of horses.  Yet she admires my deep spirituality? & envies the fact that I've never been a fool for love?.  Nobody can be good at everything--but you have things you can do better than others, too.?

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