LoveIsZaxlebax Posted May 11, 2020 Share Posted May 11, 2020 I want to be more out as aro, but I have trouble explaining myself in a way that doesn’t get my orientation called into question, accusations that I am a narcissist/abuser/unenlightened terrible person who needs to change, or both. I am a monogamist for practical reasons not affective ones, and I don’t understand the use of the word commitment to describe monogamy. Commitment seems like a thing that takes effort, and in my mind it takes next to zero effort to limit my irl social activity to one Designated Human. I don’t have to try not to get attached to more than one person. The attachments just don’t form. I’ve tried nonmonogamy and non-exclusivity and I didn’t like it. Too many people, it felt like forced sharing, I had no way to proactively enforce my boundaries other than leaving, or trusting the other person on a level where I am NOT comfortable trusting anyone, and never will be. Idk maybe there’s an assumption that monogamy requires a higher degree of emotional babysitting, caregiving, trust and placing another’s wellbeing before one’s own? (Which it doesn’t.) And people are assuming that any partner I might have would expect to receive this, so they jump to the conclusion that I’m callously depriving said partner of emotional fulfillment? There seems to be a difference between friend-level emotional support and boyfriend-level emotional support. Things that are perfectly fine as a friend are suddenly selfish and callous as a boyfriend. ”I can’t imagine how anyone would want to be treated that way” is a common refrain. What does that mean, that I should try harder to elaborate, or that they refuse to entertain the idea and want me to shut up and go away? Is an aro relationship somehow only ethical insofar as it does not involve exclusivity, and the second there is an element of ownership it becomes unethical? Is an ownership dynamic somehow only ethical insofar as it involves romantic attraction? I’m sick of being admonished to “care more about the feelings and needs of another person.” Like. This other person is a grown adult who can look after his own needs and feelings, with or without anyone else. So am I. Also, these admonishers have no idea what his feelings and needs are—yet they jump to the conclusion that exclusivity without alloromance is demeaning, or means he’s being affectively starved to death. I don’t need or want to be the recipient of all the other stuff people associate with monogamy and I’m not emotionally deprived or demeaned at all. It doesn’t compute how so many people have acted like it’s such a sad fate, to be in a pragmatic-storgic marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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