I feel... empty.

[ScarfOfSexualPreference]

Not sure if this is the best place to post this, so if anyone else can direct me to a better space to figure this out, that would be awesome.

I don't know who I am.

It changes every day, with the people I'm around and the places I'm in, and who I'm trying to impress. Sometimes it feels like I'm empty and filling my personality with the traits I "should" have. I've had this problem for a while, but I never really gave it thought but after finding Arocalypse I realize that others have opinions and likes and dislikes and habits and won't blindly follow anything anyone does. 

If someone is going to jump off a cliff, I'll jump off it too. 

It feels like I'm constantly taking in information on how to act, and act like everyone else, be it having a crush or enjoying ice cream. Sometimes I feel like a robot that exists only to serve everyone else, to be the extra in everyone else's story. 

Like a chameleon, I'll blend into my surroundings as soon as I can, trying to make everyone else happy, trying to help everyone else do their jobs, or serve their purpose. Maybe that's why I don't connect with anyone, or want to. I'm putting on a guise to make others happy. Oh, you like Korea? I will now!

From the earliest moments of my childhood to today, I'll mold myself to everyone else. My best friend loved Littlest Pet Shops for a while, so it became my thing. When she dropped it, so did I. My parents wanted me to read, so I read like I'd never be able to again. 

Today I've been able to change my entire personality between classes, being bubbly and loud sitting next to my theater friend in Shakespeare, then being completely silent at a table in science which I know I don't belong in. 

So now, in quarantine, I'm realizing that without anyone to model off of, I have no personality of my own. I'm a chameleon in a pitch black room. 

Is this how others operate too? Am I just spiraling into some weird nonexistent hole that I dug myself? It wouldn't be the first time.

If anyone can shed some light on this or point me in the right direction, I'd really appreciate it.

[Guest WrenIsSomehowHereNow??]

I know exactly what you're talking about. It's like, nothing you feel is actually real, right? Like you'll be laughing with your friends and mentally take a step back and realize you're not amused. You're not anything. You're just empty and parroting what you've seen other people do expect you've been doing it for so long, you can actually convince yourself it's real. 

 

I was born this was, and I don't hold any really dread about it anymore because I'm fixing it. Or, WAS fixing it. Quarantine put things on hold. I think the only reason I'm not upset about it anymore is caused I realised it like a year ago. Actually, no. My best friend has been slowly forcing me to realize it on my own for the last 5 years by manipulating me to high-key mimic him. This broke me out of the Nobody brain and made me self aware because my friend is hyper-aware of himself and since I was mimicking him, I became hyper-aware too.

 

Anyways, the only advise I can think to give you is: You CAN make yourself Real. The first step is where you are now, Awareness. Dig around inside yourself, find all the little things you do in your brain. If you analyze them enough, you can control them and make them turn into the things you want and then you're on the fast track to becoming Real, buddy.

 

Best of luck,

            Wren, 60% real.

[ScarfOfSexualPreference]

Thanks, it's nice to know someone is in my boat. 

How do I determine what's real versus what's fake? I know one thing I do in my brain is overanalyze, but that doesn't seem like a very helpful or healthy trait. 

How can I make a sandwich for myself without thinking that someone else is doing it for me? How do I do things for me if I don't know what IS me?

Are there any places where I can go to start to figure this out?