I really don’t know what to do and need advice

[Noname124]

I think I might be aro and I have a girlfriend and I don’t love her. I’ve never loved anyone romantically before, and I seem to convince myself that I have crushes on people even though I really don’t. I was going to tell her but on the day that I was going to she told me she loved me and I don’t know what to do because she’s in a really bad place mental-health wise and I think if I told her she’d relapse and get worse and I really don’t know what to do. Every time she tries to do something romantic with me I feel sick. I really don’t want to be aromantic, I WISH I could love someone but I don’t think I can and it makes me hate myself so much. It just hurts so so much and I don’t know how or if I should tell my girlfriend as she loves me a lot and I wish I could love her back but it’s been 10 months and I don’t. I feel like such a bad Person because I tricked myself into thinking that I wanted to be with her and by the time I realised I was wrong it was way too late. I’ve only ever had one girlfriend before her, who I had to break up with because I felt sick and had panic attacks every time I remembered that I had a girlfriend. I can’t see myself with anyone in the future at all,  but I wish I could love someone so badly.

 

sorry this is a terrible rant but I really need advice and I didn’t know where else to go

[Autumn]

I do think you have to tell her, but be gentle about it and do your best to pick a calm moment (no moment will be perfect, but like, avoid dragging her aside while she's busy or something like that). It isn't wrong that you can't love romantically, and it isn't wrong that it took you a while to figure it out, feelings are complicated and the societal idealization of romance makes contemplating a lack of romance unpleasant or even difficult to think of at times. And it's no good to be sacrificing your own mental well being for someone else's, no matter your relationship with them. But it is a sensitive topic and often hard for allos to understand, so my advice would be to emphasize you still care about her well being, and must have liked her enough to mistake your feelings as a crush, but that the romance part of the relationship can't work anymore. She'll probably still take it hard, and if you're really concerned about what she might do I would definitely reach out to one of her close friends or family members and tell them beforehand, or right after, to make sure she has a support net if she needs space from you.

 

At least, that is what I would assume to be the best course of action. Full disclosure I have not been in a relationship myself, so if anyone on here who has can give more detailed advice or correct anything I've said please do. But I do firmly believe that you need to fine some way to end the relationship, because you deserve better and truthfully if you're miserable in the relationship it will eventually show, and that will affect her enjoyment/perception of it too.

 

Hope this helps somewhat, and I hope things improve for you soon! The aro community is here for you, so feel free to reach out with any more questions, concerns, etc.