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Trans and Aro


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I'm having a little bit of trouble lately with my transition, and also having some trouble with cis-men. I'm not out when it comes to my Aro/Ace status and the first rush of knowing these things about myself has died down quite a bit. I haven't been on this site for months, but I'm back now I suppose that denial is the loneliest place in the world.

I drift in and out of the gender binary, but I pass quite well as a man and recently I joined a band with a bunch of straight cis guys of whom only one knows about my transness. A couple of times this month a few of the guys behaving as guys do often talk about women and sex. Apart from the insipid sexism that makes me feel more than a little ashamed, I feel a little bit that I have to kind of put this whole thing on and it's suffocating. I'm feeling closeted and lonely. I know I sit in the Aro spectrum quite strongly but I guess that the binary gender thing is driving me up the wall. But what is also driving me up the wall is this whole Allo thing where being in a relationship is normal. For cis-men, theres is this thing where [sic] a real man is proven with his sexual record and the idea that men are naturally driven towards sex and sexual things--if you are not sexual then it somehow compromises your masculinity. As a Trans Man my masculinity appears quite queer anyway. But a solid masculine performance is essential to my survival, even as I know that gender is really a set of social behaviours at least to me, gender is just as strange as the romantic/sexual drive. That being said I'm quite new to the band scene, and I'm making that transition from playing music on my own to the professional sphere. It's really important to me that this works.


I'd like some advice from other cis or Trans men that are Aro/Ace spectrum that have navigated this thing with or without success. Did you come out? Or did you not bother? What other social situations did you navigate? 

I'm not expecting answers right away--but I thought I'd post something here rather than just sit in some kind of despair. Thanks in advance--

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  • 1 month later...

i guess i've never really experienced this problem as most of the guys i hang out with are all really into bands or comic books or shit like that so we have discussions about our interests rather than girls:/ I guess when you're with your bandmates focus on the thing you all have in common which is the band ofc:) And you don't necessarily have to come out, just tell them you're not really interested in relationships/girls rn and the discussions are getting kinda boring,, and that you're not gay lmao bc they will immediately assume that?

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