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Raphael

Screaming About Genderqueer Feelings

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This is really just a place to vent about my gender angst for a minute; others may join in or respond if desired, but I'm mostly just screaming into the void tbh. (Also warning ahead for fairly negative feelings about men/masc people as a general category of human.)

 

My gender has a lot of fluidity, and it's frustrating as hell, because my desired presentation ALSO is fairly fluid, but the two don't always align, so sometimes I'm like "I'm not a girl and that's why I want to wear a flannel and look GAY," but other times I'm like, "I'm not a girl, and that's why I want to wear a princess dress and look GAY." (But also those about actually being a girl because I am sometimes.) And lately I've been feeling fairly masculine which is new and frankly really uncomfortable for me (I've been afraid of men and masc-presenting people literally since before I could walk), because I'm basically always femme or andro no matter what else is going on, so now I'm wondering if I'm sometimes a guy? Or like guy-adjacent? Demiboy? I don't fucking know. The whole thing sounds kind of repellent to me, but here we are with masculinity and no idea what to do with it. And the social dysphoria is both a lot and... Kind of my own damn fault? Because I'm like "I'm feeling masc-ish today, so that's why I want to wear a skirt and eyeshadow and earrings—but it's *matte* eyeshadow, so that'll make me look masc!!," which uh. Surprisingly doesn't work for someone who is very small, curvy, long-haired, and conventionally pretty.

 

And my best friend is a binary trans woman and she just. She tries but *does not* get it, and all the enbies I know IRL aren't super fluid, are andro-butch presenting, and are just. Not people I feel like would be sympathetic??

 

And I also can't bind because I live with my parents and I'm not out to them. So. Extra yay.

 

--Raphael

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Ooof. I feel the problems with fluidity (since I am legit genderfluid XD).

I don't mind feeling masculine, and luckily for me when I want to be masc, I pass pretty well (at least if I'm binding).

I bind at school, cause one of my friends bought me a binder. 

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8 minutes ago, Fynnlee said:

Ooof. I feel the problems with fluidity (since I am legit genderfluid XD).

I don't mind feeling masculine, and luckily for me when I want to be masc, I pass pretty well (at least if I'm binding).

I bind at school, cause one of my friends bought me a binder. 

Fair enough!! I call myself genderqueer because it seems like. I don't have to prove anything to myself to claim that label? I don't feel like I could be genderfluid because I'm never a guy, but hey MAYBE I'M WRONG WHO KNOWS.

 

I bind at school sometimes too, but it also really hurts if I do it for more than ~4 hours, so I don't usually. I might tomorrow. IDK.

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3 minutes ago, fae said:

Fair enough!! I call myself genderqueer because it seems like. I don't have to prove anything to myself to claim that label? I don't feel like I could be genderfluid because I'm never a guy, but hey MAYBE I'M WRONG WHO KNOWS.

 

I bind at school sometimes too, but it also really hurts if I do it for more than ~4 hours, so I don't usually. I might tomorrow. IDK.

Oof, stay safe. Do you know why it hurts? Maybe your binder is too tight?

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8 minutes ago, Fynnlee said:

Oof, stay safe. Do you know why it hurts? Maybe your binder is too tight?

I bind with a camisole that has a half-shelf bra built in that I convert by wearing it backwards and folding it with some safety pins. It's supposed to be safe (I did a lot of research, lol), but the elastic rubs and it just isn't very fun. I usually end up converting it back into a camisole before the end of the day.

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On 1/26/2020 at 7:48 PM, fae said:

I bind with a camisole that has a half-shelf bra built in that I convert by wearing it backwards and folding it with some safety pins. It's supposed to be safe (I did a lot of research, lol), but the elastic rubs and it just isn't very fun. I usually end up converting it back into a camisole before the end of the day.

Ah, fair enough! Stay safe!

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