Doubts

[Generic_Bro]

I used to be really sure about being a romantic but now I’m not. Lately I’ve been having dreams where I’m in a relationship and they’re so great. Does disliking relationship nicknames, romantic movies, and being unable to understand the concept of monogamy/long term relationships make me aro or arospec or allo? I can’t tell and I’m just confused

[Guest]

I am just going to say that you can be aro and have happy dreams about relationships. Even if one day it become real. Also, not every relationship is romantic. (not that aros can't be in romantic relationships )

 

1 hour ago, ThatGhostBoy said:

Does disliking relationship nicknames, romantic movies, and being unable to understand the concept of monogamy/long term relationships make me aro or arospec or allo?

 

It can be a side-effect, but it don't make you more aro or less aro.

Being aro is about romantic attraction (well, the lack of it). I can't tell you exactly what it is because i never felt it, and i guess peoples can give it their own definition?

 

My answer is probably incomplete, but i hope it help...

[treepod]

To begin with, I don’t think these dreams necessarily have any bearing on whether you’re aro. As has been pointed out, if in your day to day life you experience a lack of romantic attraction to real people in real scenarios, that is enough. 

 

I can see how it might be a confusing experience though. People dream about all kinds of wild things that don’t really say much about them as a person, because while you sleep your brain is crash testing even the most unlikely possibilities that could come up in life. Society, and maybe your friends and family, are probably giving your brain signals that a romantic relationship is desirable, so it makes sense that your dreams would attempt to roleplay that desire. Whether you actually want to pursue it in real life is up to you. And even then, wanting a romantic relationship and actually being genuinely attracted to a specific person are two very different things.

[Generic_Bro]

4 hours ago, Cristal Gris said:

I am just going to say that you can be aro and have happy dreams about relationships. Even if one day it become real. Also, not every relationship is romantic. (not that aros can't be in romantic relationships )

 

 

It can be a side-effect, but it don't make you more aro or less aro.

Being aro is about romantic attraction (well, the lack of it). I can't tell you exactly what it is because i never felt it, and i guess peoples can give it their own definition?

 

My answer is probably incomplete, but i hope it help...

 

3 hours ago, treepod said:

To begin with, I don’t think these dreams necessarily have any bearing on whether you’re aro. As has been pointed out, if in your day to day life you experience a lack of romantic attraction to real people in real scenarios, that is enough. 

 

I can see how it might be a confusing experience though. People dream about all kinds of wild things that don’t really say much about them as a person, because while you sleep your brain is crash testing even the most unlikely possibilities that could come up in life. Society, and maybe your friends and family, are probably giving your brain signals that a romantic relationship is desirable, so it makes sense that your dreams would attempt to roleplay that desire. Whether you actually want to pursue it in real life is up to you. And even then, wanting a romantic relationship and actually being genuinely attracted to a specific person are two very different things.

I just can’t tell anymore if I experience romantic attraction or not, I have no idea what I’m supposed to be feeling if I do experience it all

[Guest]

On 7/15/2019 at 11:45 PM, ThatGhostBoy said:

I just can’t tell anymore if I experience romantic attraction or not, I have no idea what I’m supposed to be feeling if I do experience it all

I... realize it may not help you, but i can't tell you what you feel or what is romantic attraction. 

 

Just know nothing you mentioned make you less aro.

 

 

[treepod]

On 7/15/2019 at 5:45 PM, ThatGhostBoy said:

 

I just can’t tell anymore if I experience romantic attraction or not, I have no idea what I’m supposed to be feeling if I do experience it all

Uff da... yeah it’s not easy figuring these things out sometimes. I’m ace as well and in those forums I found it really helpful to hear from people who were greyace and had felt sexual attraction before, to really understand what exactly I wasn’t feeling, since that’s so hard to judge. 

 

So, take this with a grain of salt because it’s my one and only personal perspective and no one else’s necessarily, but I’ll do my best to describe romantic attraction for me as someone who’s greyaro: number one thing is I can’t control it. It comes seemingly out of left field when I’m not at all thinking about it, and it’s a hard hit. Ordinary things about the person become spectacular and give me a warm fuzzy excited feeling, and a certain fondness grows. I mean like I’ll get all jazzed about a person’s nose, for goodness sake. And it’s not really like looking at a painting or reading a poem thinking it’s beautiful. It’s not quite sane, really... it feels like there’s another voice that’s taken over in my head and sometimes I’m sitting back observing myself like “?????????? where did this come from??” But despite my logical half I’m compelled to spend time with them and get to know them and be physically close. Some people might simply define romantic attraction as feeling compelled to kiss someone on the lips. Whatever the case, the lack of control over it mentally is the main thing to me. It’s what separates the experience from the kind of “what if” romantic thinking I normally have that doesn’t turn out to be romantic attraction at all, just like intrusive thoughts, almost. 

 

But you know what? Being unsure is okay. You can choose to either be content with not knowing for the time being, or you can experiment, if you genuinely think that would help. And whatever comes out of that is fine and valid so long as you’re growing as a person.

[mirithepuppy]

I also have dreams about being in happy relationships, and these have caused me to question my orientation many times, but I've come to the conclusion that I'm still aro. 

I don't know what your dreams are like, but for me, these dreams include lots of cuddling and deep conversations, but nothing that is definitively "romantic." I also tend to dream more about the cuddling when I'm especially touch-starved. I think my dreams have helped me realize what I want in a relationship, which is close friendship with lots of physical affection.

That being said, even if you are doing romantic things in these dreams, that doesn't necessarily mean you're not aromantic. Remember that they're just dreams. I've had dreams about eating asparagus before, even though in reality, I hate eating asparagus. I've had dreams about being married off to some stranger before, but that doesn't mean I want to get married in real life.

Also, it's hard to differentiate sometimes, since society likes to call any close relationship romantic. Something that has helped me is to kind of ignore the labels of "platonic" versus "romantic," and instead of trying to push what I'm feeling into a box, just accepting it for what it is.

[treepod]

 

I’ve been thinking about this off and on for a while. Looks like you haven’t been online in quite some time, but just in case you come back I want to amend what I said about what romantic attraction is like.

 

Until recently, beyond knowing that my attraction to others is fleeting, inconsistent, vague, and rare, I didn’t have a good reference for what it is I actually want out of a relationship and what I’m comfortable with. Turns out, not much. At least in the way of “romantic” gestures. So I’ve been considering that it’s probably more accurate for me to base what I consider romantic attraction on what the desired action is with the person, and not whether they make me feel giddy or whatever. Because platonic/queerplatonic, sensual, and aesthetic attractions exist, and those don’t have to correlate with romantic interest at all, so feeling things like I described before doesn’t really actually signal romantic attraction anyway. And because something can sound like it’d be enjoyable on paper but in practice make me uncomfortable or indifferent.

 

td;lr, I now think that the most important thing is to explore what you really strongly desire to act on with another person, if anything at all. You might be surprised to find that alloromantic folks can be way more enthusiastic and, er, active than you anticipated. At least that’s my experience.