Jump to content

Hi I´m new and I need advice


PaigeMahon
 Share

Recommended Posts

Hi!  I hope you don´t mind me signing up, I identify as asexual but I´ve been struggling to know my romantic orientation and sometimes I think I´m aro but sometimes I just don´t. 

I´ve never been with someone either romantically or sexually. But IDK if someone could help, I know I´m not going to get an answer about my romantic orientation right away, but thought this might help?

First of all: Me at age 12: I really wanted to be with someone ( I really don´t know why) and a year or two later I hated the idea of it. I was in an all girls catholic school so "marrying" and "having children" were a huge deal for all the girls. I remember once having to show what I wanted to do with my life with a collage ( I was 13 or 14, can´t remember) and I put trips, work etc and I remember seeing a couple and decided to put it in. When it was my turn, I said: " I don´t want to marry or have children" ( which I don´t tbh, I think marriage is just a complete inconvenience and it´s all painted in "everything´d perfect") to which a girl responded" "Why do you have that couple?". I did not know what to say so I said: well, being with someone and marrying is completely different. No more comments after that. 

Fast forward a lot of years, I still hate the idea of marrying and having children. 

Now, I remember being asked out by a boy when I was 14, and i got really excited. Like super excited, I remember even taking hours to chose my outfit. But, when he made a move to kiss me, I just quickly turned my head, so the kiss was cheek and not lip. we did not talk after that, which tbh, was fine with me. I was sad for a few days, not understanding what had happened, but shrugged it off afterwards. 

Fast forward two years to high school AYYY. Some guy i met during the first day of school had a crush on me and i knew it but did not do anything about it until he told me, I said yes because he was my best friend, I did and do not feel anything for him, I turned him down eventually and he stopped talking to me, and after a while started talking again and he asked me the same thing, I said no this time but he kept trying so again, I said yes because I mean, I felt horrible. He asked me on a date and I went with it , he tried grabbing my hand at one point just nope. I also felt pretty awkward. By that point, all the school was asking me if I was her girlfriend to which I said: "Who even told you that?". During his texts, I just couldn´t reciprocate the " I like you", "you are beautiful" etc. He eventually ended things and i never knew why until after two weeks to which I remember asking her best friend and her telling me: "He says you are just cold- hearted". YUP. 

Now, I need help figuring out, I had a "squish" or what I think is a squish because I have no idea if it was genuine what I felt or not and that is why I am questioning. Before I could label myself as ace homoromantic but after this, I´m deeply confused. 

SHORT STORY: I liked a girl and I told her eventually, she turned me down, I had feeling she was going to. I was sad again, it does hurt. But managed to shrug it off quickly. 

So why I think I´m aro:

I don´t like people showing affection in public, I´m all in for "HELLO BESTIE" kind of affection, but I don´t think I would do the same with a partner. 

I always think "whats the point" when one of my friends tell me drama and stuff about their boyfriends, I mean, why would you go through all of that?

I don´t want to marry or have kids ( I don´t know if that has anything to do with it but just adding it in case it does)

I hate cheesy things, I don´t watch movies with romance as the main plot. I can stand watching a movie with romance if the romance IS good and not there for the sake of it. 

Hate most contact, I love hugging and cheek kissing my friends, but well.

I sometimes think it would be nice, but I quickly tell myself it isn´t.

I´m not pursuing a relationship and actually think people who are really intense about it are "needy".

 

Why I think I´m not aro:

Because i liked this girl.

Because in a way, I feel completely alone and sometimes think it would help to have someone.

 

Many mixed feelings.

 

Thanks in advance and i´m sorry if it bothered anyone in any way.

 

Hi to all!

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi! Welcome. :) We always accept questioning folks, don't worry at all.

 

1 hour ago, PaigeMahon said:

sometimes I think I´m aro but sometimes I just don´t. 

This is such a huge mood! I'm an aroflux person and although I'm pretty sure I'm firmly aro almost all of the time (I haven't experienced romantic attraction in my life, to my knowledge), I often move around the spectrum and sometimes find myself questioning whether it is possible to feel romantic attraction. This fluidity is often all over the place and quite sudden, which is why I like -flux better than -fluid.

I wanted to mention it because it is possible your feelings can change or that you move around between identities sometimes, so don't discount that when you're looking through the term glossary! Some aroflux people also use the label when they are sometimes aro and sometimes allo (meaning that they feel romantic attraction).
Some people also have exceptions. People might have felt romantic attraction a few times but still call themselves aro, because those people were exceptions. Some people call themselves greyromantic because romantic attraction happens rarely. It's all a matter of which labels feel most right to you.

 

It's also possible not to feel romantic attraction but still really want to be close to someone without a romantic relationship! I've heard queerplatonic relationships described like that, where the partners want to be close to each other and committed in some way but not in a romantic sense. Queerplatonic attraction also sometimes has a part to play in those relationships. I've heard people describe queerplatonic attraction as a kind of intense platonic attraction or an attraction that isn't platonic at all but close to it in terms of wanting to be close to a person and supporting that person throughout life.

It could be that you felt a really strong squish (like you really wanted to be friends with this person!), it could be that you felt queerplatonic attraction, it could be that you felt romantic attraction, it could be that you felt something else! There are many terms. Please go ahead and tell us more about your experiences and we'll do our best to help talk you through things. :D

  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 hours ago, running.tally said:

Hi! Welcome. :) We always accept questioning folks, don't worry at all.

 

This is such a huge mood! I'm an aroflux person and although I'm pretty sure I'm firmly aro almost all of the time (I haven't experienced romantic attraction in my life, to my knowledge), I often move around the spectrum and sometimes find myself questioning whether it is possible to feel romantic attraction. This fluidity is often all over the place and quite sudden, which is why I like -flux better than -fluid.

I wanted to mention it because it is possible your feelings can change or that you move around between identities sometimes, so don't discount that when you're looking through the term glossary! Some aroflux people also use the label when they are sometimes aro and sometimes allo (meaning that they feel romantic attraction).
Some people also have exceptions. People might have felt romantic attraction a few times but still call themselves aro, because those people were exceptions. Some people call themselves greyromantic because romantic attraction happens rarely. It's all a matter of which labels feel most right to you.

 

It's also possible not to feel romantic attraction but still really want to be close to someone without a romantic relationship! I've heard queerplatonic relationships described like that, where the partners want to be close to each other and committed in some way but not in a romantic sense. Queerplatonic attraction also sometimes has a part to play in those relationships. I've heard people describe queerplatonic attraction as a kind of intense platonic attraction or an attraction that isn't platonic at all but close to it in terms of wanting to be close to a person and supporting that person throughout life.

It could be that you felt a really strong squish (like you really wanted to be friends with this person!), it could be that you felt queerplatonic attraction, it could be that you felt romantic attraction, it could be that you felt something else! There are many terms. Please go ahead and tell us more about your experiences and we'll do our best to help talk you through things. :D

Hi! Thank you so much, that is what Ive been questioning a lot ( the squish part) 

And thank you so much for the advices, its so nice to have found this place! 

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...