pieperchoco Posted January 7, 2019 Share Posted January 7, 2019 I have abandonment issues so I think maybe this entire time when I said I wanted a romantic relationship I just wanted someone to talk to and hang atound semi permanently. I didn't have friends for several years so that doesn't help this theory of mine. I realise I've probably had only squishes this entire time instead of crushes when I admired guys and women. The feelings weren't strong unless they were sexual. I didn't fantasize and found it awkward to try doing that. I find the concept of romance fun but that's all I really see it as. My mind has never really imagined what it'd be like to date apart from thinking it would go wrong from previous mental problems. I guess I've been getting too excited about having crushes but maybe they are crushes. Can someone help me out here? EDIT: I also realise that my previous ability to repress feelings for people I thought I was crushing on may have just been a series of squishes In the midst of sexual attraction I could logically tell myself I wasn't in love with the other person Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naegleria fowleri Posted January 8, 2019 Share Posted January 8, 2019 This might help or it might not but here's a list of things I once thought were crushes and then realized they weren't: -Becoming friends with someone, then wanting to show her these WTF post-it notes which I thought were hilarious, but getting nervous about it because what if she got offended by them? This was in Grade 8. -Meeting someone of the opposite gender who was nice, funny, responsible (ticked all the "boxes"), and who liked me, and getting excited about the fact that he liked me. We spent a while in friend limbo, waiting for me to have feelings for him, but alas, it never happened. Sometimes if I'm having a squish and I want to make sure I'm not having a crush I ask myself: -Could you make these feelings disappear if you really wanted to? Yes? Phew. -Does this person make you want to do romantic things (like kissing, or gaze at each other with goo-goo eyes)? No? Phew. -Do you think about them very often? Not really? Phew. I also find my squishes stem from a small number of admirable traits that I happen to notice about someone, and this grows into a fondness of them in general. This sounds like a crush, but it's not connected to a desire to do romantic stuff with them; if I get any desires at all they're usually very innocent and sensual, like leaning my head on their shoulder. Then again, I also happen to be asexual so my experience will be different from yours. Welcome to Arocalypse! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pieperchoco Posted January 8, 2019 Author Share Posted January 8, 2019 1 hour ago, Naegleria fowleri said: -Could you make these feelings disappear if you really wanted to? Yes? Phew. -Does this person make you want to do romantic things (like kissing, or gaze at each other with goo-goo eyes)? No? Phew. -Do you think about them very often? Not really? Phew. I also find my squishes stem from a small number of admirable traits that I happen to notice about someone, and this grows into a fondness of them in general. This sounds like a crush, but it's not connected to a desire to do romantic stuff with them; if I get any desires at all they're usually very innocent and sensual, like leaning my head on their shoulder. Then again, I also happen to be asexual so my experience will be different from yours. Welcome to Arocalypse! So, I do find it tricky to get rid of the feelings but they aren't all that strong to begin with. I quite like the feeling of wanting someone to be in my life and see them be as great as they are so I don't see why I'd make these feelings go. I have done the goo-goo eyes thing, but once and only after feeling like I could let them go and just wanting to admire them from a distance. I haven't had an urge or fantasy of doing much romantic stuff though, just wanting others to think I'm cool. I can think of them quite a bit but mistly when I have sexual feelings towards them. It didn't help it was the first time for that and I was confused about my feelings. Other times, not really. I can command the thought of them to appear whenever I want to feel better. I feel a bit more convinced of my aro-ness but please let me know what you think Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naegleria fowleri Posted January 10, 2019 Share Posted January 10, 2019 On 1/8/2019 at 12:38 AM, pieperchoco said: I feel a bit more convinced of my aro-ness but please let me know what you think Most people on here will tell you that the only person who can truly understand your orientation is you. From what I've seen there are a lot of facets to orientation, and just because two people are aromantic doesn't mean they are going to experience it the same way. I mean, think about romantic people; some fall totally head over heels constantly, and some have a milder interest. It's similar with aros. You don't sound romantic to me, but keep hanging out here and see what you think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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