Just talking about my life

[Guest a1977...d59]

Um... Hi?

(I'm Spanish, so I could make some mistakes, sorry for that. But I didn't find any believable forum in Spanish)

I'm a romantic girl who is in love with an aroace girl. When I told her that I'm in love with her, she said, "really, I like you that way". She even talked about kissing and in my mind I was very happy for her initiative. A few days later, she started posting pictures saying "I'm aromantic", and I was very scared. One day, she said "....." (well, she said my real name) and I was like "?" and then "I love you". So I said "WOW, I WAS SO FRIGHTENED I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY 'sorry, I'm aromantic, I was lying' I LOVE YOU TOO". She asked if I knew what a squish is. I didn't, so I searched it. BOOM. I didn't understand anything. She said she was confused until she found the concept "aromantic". Honestly, I thought she was playing with my feelings. We both cried a lot that night. Suddenly, I started seeing myself as a "romantic fool". I thought things like "she probably thinks I'm a sentimental idiot". I was very afraid of that. Actually, things have changed. We spend a lot of time together, but there's a lot less physical affection than before. She made me open to people, and she hugged me all the time, very clingy. I felt loved. I know she loves me (in some way), but I feel uncomfortable by thinking things have changed. Sometimes I wish I never confessed to her. Also, I don't understand the concept "squish". Because it describes what I feel. But I think they're romantic feelings. I mean, I do not feel butterflies or something like that. It's just warm. I want to be by her side, and I like holding hands and being affectionate. I'm a "cold" person, but I like cuddles, especially from people I love (including family and friends). Having a squish is like having a crush but needing less physical affectionate? I love her in a non-romantic way, and I don't realize it? I'm very confused, so I came here to talk with aromantic people and know your opinions.

Anonymous poster hash: a1977...d59

[Neir]

Hi! Thank you for sharing this, it's brave to let everything out like this.

 

A big thing about the aromantic community is that our experiences differ. Like you said, for some people certain feelings might be a "squish" but for someone else they're romantic. It doesn't mean either person is wrong. Romantic attraction is defined differently and means something different per person. This is a normal thing, even though it can seem confusing.

 

If she says that she loves you then I think she loves you. Maybe the term "romantic" does not apply to her, because she is uncomfortable with it and defines romance differently. Even if she does not experience romantic attraction toward you, it is clear that she likes being in a romantic relationship with you, because your definition of romance is very compatible with the kind of relationship she is comfortable with. I think that because you define romance in a similar way to how she defines a squish, she can be comfortable being in a relationship with you.

 

That said, figuring out romantic attraction and what the definition of romance is is very difficult and exhausting. I think she is trying to figure things out, as you said. She might be worried that being too physically affectionate is not appropriate for an aromantic person. This isn't true, because you can still be cuddly and be aromantic. I am like that myself! However, it is also possible that she isn't comfortable with cuddling as much anymore as she has discovered herself. I think this is something you should talk to her about. The next step would be to ask her what she is comfortable with and what she wants to do in your relationship, and then tell her what you are comfortable with and want in your relationship. After discussing, you can go from there. She doesn't need to have everything figured out about her identity, but she can keep doing things that make her happy.

 

I hope that that helped a bit! It's OK to be unsure about things but the best way to figure out relationship stuff is usually to communicate and have a good conversation about things.

[Uncomfor-table]

On 12/16/2018 at 5:38 AM, running.tally said:

Hi! Thank you for sharing this, it's brave to let everything out like this.

 

A big thing about the aromantic community is that our experiences differ. Like you said, for some people certain feelings might be a "squish" but for someone else they're romantic. It doesn't mean either person is wrong. Romantic attraction is defined differently and means something different per person. This is a normal thing, even though it can seem confusing.

 

If she says that she loves you then I think she loves you. Maybe the term "romantic" does not apply to her, because she is uncomfortable with it and defines romance differently. Even if she does not experience romantic attraction toward you, it is clear that she likes being in a romantic relationship with you, because your definition of romance is very compatible with the kind of relationship she is comfortable with. I think that because you define romance in a similar way to how she defines a squish, she can be comfortable being in a relationship with you.

 

That said, figuring out romantic attraction and what the definition of romance is is very difficult and exhausting. I think she is trying to figure things out, as you said. She might be worried that being too physically affectionate is not appropriate for an aromantic person. This isn't true, because you can still be cuddly and be aromantic. I am like that myself! However, it is also possible that she isn't comfortable with cuddling as much anymore as she has discovered herself. I think this is something you should talk to her about. The next step would be to ask her what she is comfortable with and what she wants to do in your relationship, and then tell her what you are comfortable with and want in your relationship. After discussing, you can go from there. She doesn't need to have everything figured out about her identity, but she can keep doing things that make her happy.

 

I hope that that helped a bit! It's OK to be unsure about things but the best way to figure out relationship stuff is usually to communicate and have a good conversation about things.

Thank you for answering! I don't know how to reply as the same guest so this is my account. ?

We aren't in a relationship. Actually, she doesn't want that. Queerplatonic ones have been mentioned, but she feels uncomfortable with labels anyway. I respect that, of course. But I feel everything is hanging by a thread and I feel very insecure. I think I should get over it. I don't need a name for our relationship, right? But apparently, I need it. Why? I don't know. If I mention it, she starts to apologize. She doesn't have to apologize for being who she is. She's a beautiful person, but she has low self-esteem. I want to be a support, not something that hurts her.

[Neir]

I think that mentioning that labels are important to you may help in this case. I am also a fan of labeling things, and I have friends who are not. Our compromise has usually been that they respect my label for whatever we have going on, because I explain to them why it works really well for me, and I respect that they don't want to label what we have going on. So I keep my label personal. The one time this can get frustrating is describing to other people what our relationship is. Is there a way you can agree on what to call each other when you're not around each other? Being clear that you respect her feelings and not wanting to label things may help, as it's not her that is causing this issue; it's just a need you have and that you want to run by her because you want her to be comfortable. You may be able to agree on a very vague or general label that keeps her options open while also providing you with something definable.

 

That's the best I can do to help, I think! Talking with her and making sure you say that this isn't an issue with her but rather something you want her input on, to come up with together, seems to be the best option. It's always difficult to come up with a compromise, but trying out different things and communicating honestly and openly is your best shot at finding something that works for both of you.

 

Good luck!