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I’m pretty much having an existential crisis because I might be aro but I’m not sure?


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Okay, so. About a year ago I realized that I was asexual, which explained a lot of things that I had (or hadn’t) felt when I was younger. I have started coming to terms with this because before this I had always considered myself bisexual. After this, I started calling myseld asexual and biromantic. As of late, I realized that what i felt leaned more towards being panromantic and I was fine with that. 


A couple of months ago I started dating my best friend who’s a girl. Because of certain (mostly her homophobic Christian parents) we hadn’t really been able to see each other outside of school. But I know deep inside of me that I love her (the issue coming with the fact that I love her in the same way I loved her when we were best friends). We talk of kissing and doing coupley stuff and I guess that’s fine with me. After some stuff that happened a couple of years ago, I became sex repulsed but apart from that I didn’t really mind dating. It seemed nice and in a way comforting. But looking back at it, I’m not quite sure that what I’ve actually been feeling towards her. I love her and I appreciate her so much because she has always been there for me and sure, in theory, I would like to kiss her and what not, but i don’t feel anything romantic towards her when I see her. 


She’s expressed before that when she sees me she feels all giddy inside and what not, but when I see her, I feel nothing. In fact, I never feel anything when I look at anyone. People... well for me people are just bodies. And I know that some people are more aesthetically pleasing to me, which goes back to me being ace. And I can call people ‘hot’ and say that they’re ‘beautiful’, because they are, but at the end of the day I never feel anything when I look at anyone. What i feel is more like an appreciation. 


And throughout my life I’ve had a series of meaningless crushes on guys (all before I realized I wasn’t just into guys — although am I really?) that all faded away. And the only two ‘real’ crushes I’ve had have both been with two best friends of mine. So I’m not sure if these serious ‘crushes’ are just a way of me wanting to feel closer to my best friend. 


Like, I love her so much but there’s just nothing there. And looking back I’m not sure I’ve ever actually experienced romantic  feelings towards anyone. What are feeling even supposed to be like. 


I’ve never minded the idea of dating and I may even find it comforting at times, the idea of being in a romantic relationship with someone. And I’ve called myself panromantic because i assumed that i was into anyone regardless of their gender. But i think maybe i just like the idea of liking someone, of being in a relationship with someone. I’m not sure I’ve ever had romantic feelings towards someone. Like, I feel really close to her, but it’s not really in a romantic way. 


This is all very conflicting to me because although she knows I’m ace and she completely respects that, this would totally change our relationship. And was calling myself bisexual or panromantic and thinking that I liked people like this a way for me to repress what I truly felt? Did I just feel like I had to like someone and I didn’t mind the idea of being with anyone?


Also, our relationship is currently kind of rocky because of her situation with her parents and she’s not allowed to see me. So I don’t know if I should just end it? Should I explain first? I know I would hurt her either way. But if I let this go on wouldn’t I be leading her on by making her think I have feelings for her?


i just really need some guidance. I need to get my head straight. If anyone could help me out it would be great, thanks. 

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It does sound like you might be aromantic, though only you can determine that for sure. I think you should explain your situation to her before ending anything. I don't know your ages from this post, but I know that parents and legal guardians have more power than they should in many cases with anyone under 18. If you do identify yourself as aromantic, her parents might be more comfortable with you knowing you don't have romantic feelings for anyone, but I think it's more likely they'll think you're just pretending so you can see her. But my best advice is just to tell her about your feelings and see what she wants to do about it. Do you know how much she is into romantic stuff? Because some people, even who don't identify as aromantic, care more about the person they are with than the type of relationship they have.

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2 hours ago, Megan said:

But if I let this go on wouldn’t I be leading her on by making her think I have feelings for her?

From what you wrote already, it sounds like you do have feelings for her? Just not romantic feelings (so far).


I don't know if it would help or not (it could be a bit abstract...) but you could try reading a bit about relationship anarchy and see if approaching things from that perspective can help you? There are a couple of threads about it here and here. It might allow you both to follow a middle ground between either ending things completely, on the one hand, or feeling pressure to go along with a conventional romantic relationship, on the other?

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I'm gonna say some stuff that might be a bit controversial...


Right, so you say you love her, and you also say you don't have feelings for her. What? Loving her means you do have feelings for her. Maybe they're just not romantic (sounds like they probably aren't, based on what you said, but what do I know, I don't think I've had romantic feelings either so I don't really know what that's like).


Why should this ruin your relationship with her? I mean, even most romantic people lose their romantic feelings for their partners eventually. A friend of mine told me that it's apparently normal to "fall in love" and have all those weird giddy feelings and whatnot, and then eventually for them to morph more into a stable form of love. Like what you already have. So basically you skipped all the giddy stuff and went straight to the good part. There's nothing wrong with that. I have no idea why people like the giddy feelings, but apparently they're all temporary anyway.


Don't do anything drastic like end it - but do talk to her about your feelings and fears and stuff.

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 8/4/2018 at 1:33 PM, SoulWolf said:

 Don't do anything drastic like end it - but do talk to her about your feelings and fears and stuff

Yeah, this, definitely this!


@Megan so, um, it's been a week or so since you posted, any update on your situation? :eyebrow:

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