GreenJelly

Agree that there are no hard limits :) That’s what makes it so frustrating and hard in a way. I feel like I would want a romantic relationship but I don’t know who with. It’s all so confusing. I’ve been told I sound like I feel romantic attraction and I’ve also been told that I don’t. Honestly I don’t feel like I fit with the strictly aro experience but I also definitely don’t fit with alloromantic either. And then there are the sexual-or-not feelings to deal with. I feel so drained from this constant searching tor answers and at the same time so scared to stop because I feel like I *need* to know. It’s not like I can get out and test things right now and I don’t even know if I want to/how to start working out whether I want to. Realistically I need to just try dating but I don’t think I’m capable of feeling romantic attraction at first sight (if at all) and what if I hurt the person? Also, I’m shy and can’t travel around much so online dating isn’t going to be easy. Arghhhh I wish there was a way of clearing my head and magically finding the answers

Hello, Until now, I assumed I was fully aromantic and generally identified with that label. But after doing a lot more research into what romantic attraction actually is, I think I could be demi. I’ve never had traditional crush feelings, but I did once have deep feelings of love and partnership for my long-term friend and I used to think they were strictly platonic. I’m not sure anymore, partly because I once kissed her and liked it (I was five-ish), and also because I can imagine myself in a committed and physically affectionate with a (currently non-specific) woman, provided we’d known each other a long time. I guess what I’m asking here is whether it’s possible to be pretty sure you’re demi based on a gut feeling and the following connections to the label: • All my favourite couples in media are friends to lovers with a focus on romance more than sex • I take a long time opening up to people, so I’ve never really managed to get to this point, but I would hypothetically enjoy dating if I had a deep emotional bond with the person first • All the characters I write also have friends-to lovers arcs • I skip the crush phase and go slowly from platonic feelings to “wow you’re beautiful and I would be happy to stay by your side/watch us get old forever” (I don’t NEED the feelings to be returned necessarily, I just want them to be happy) • I feel aesthetic attraction at first sight • I fantasise about being in a relationship formed over a long time, but with no one in particular • I have never felt an urge to date anyone, let alone at first sight, but I do want to find a partner to do traditionally romantic things with one day (and would want things to move slowly while I develop feelings) • When I was younger, I jokingly said to myself that anyone who falls in love with me will have heck of a time coaxing me to return the feelings • I worry about not finding anyone and being unlovable, but am also not overly fussed about being single • Women attract me aesthetically and sensually in ways that men don’t I don’t have a lot of evidence to go on beyond a gut feeling that I could hypothetically be in a relationship if left to develop feelings for long enough. Honestly relationships in the media just seem so forced and extravagant, which is why I identify as aro. I mean, I get that the feelings are deep and affectionate and sensual/sweet, but I don’t understand infatuation or the need to snog their face off in public. Brief kisses, snuggles and deep monogamous love/commitment are enough for me, which doesn’t really sound like the romance I grew up watching… but it also really doesn’t sound platonic. I know it’s hard to put a label on attraction, but I want to try because I’m struggling to explain my feelings to both myself and others. I’m also exhausted from endless Googling, so would really appreciate some external thoughts on what makes someone romantic. I looked into cupioromantic before and am not sure whether it fits because I definitely feel *something* that isn’t platonic and I’m not sure it can be called alterous either. I would love a romantic relationship that has formed over time, but I have no idea whether that makes me allo or just wistfully aro. It’s hard to guess my romantic orientation when all I have to go on is a guess, one vaguely complex friendship and a love of friends-to-lovers arcs. I’ve been very sheltered my whole life, too, and essentially spend years telling myself I was unloveable before I thought I was aroace, partly because I didn’t think anyone would put in the work/time to love me and partly because I wasn’t sure if I could love them in return. My gut says I’m demi, but my gut also tells me a lot of things that are wrong lmao and I’m not sure I trust it. Any thoughts on what I could/couldn’t be? Feel free to suggest multiple things that you think are likely based on this. Thanks! 💚

Until now, I (female, 18) have been identifying as aroace, with tertiary attraction towards women. The problem is, now that I’ve thought about it more, I can’t tell whether my tertiary feelings are actually tertiary. Am I experiencing a weird/less intense form of secondary romantic attraction?? Basically, I’ve been extremely sheltered for my whole life and have never really needed to/let myself consider having a relationship. That suggests I’m on the aro spectrum and that I’m also shy as heck. I don’t really form many long-term relationships at all, so it’s hard to judge where my feelings would go if I explored them, but when I was a kid I had this one friend G, who I loved to bits. And I don’t mean in a fluttery way, I mean in a deep “you’re amazing and I would bathe in your presence for the whole of eternity and never ask for anything in return” kind of way. These feelings form over a very long period of time and I don’t really have any control over them. Some friends get them and some don’t, depending on various factors. The thing that’s holding me back is that I don’t relate at all to the whole “crush” experience. I don’t get sweaty/shaky around the person and I don’t feel the need to be near them every second of the day. That said, I might feel a bit jealous if I wasn’t their most important person or they started dating someone other than me. I don’t think the feelings are strictly platonic, but I’m not a hundred percent sure they’re alterous either. Maybe they are? There’s definitely a difference between what I feel for friends and what I feel for people I’d potentially (if they ask) consider my partner: Strictly Platonic — liking being around the person and listening to what they have to say. I can put up with major differences in principles and personalities, provided we are reasonable and understanding of each other’s boundaries, etc. Repulsed by thought of kissing/caressing them. Liking to go to places/share ideas with the person. I like spending time with them I can tell them things without judgement I can put up with differences because we respect each other’s boundaries I don’t want to kiss them I like doing things with them with no feelings or strings attached (eg: going out for lunch and a chat) I’m fine being away from or close to them and distance doesn’t make a difference to the relationship (text can intervene) I don’t get at all jealous with their relationships I don’t expect to be their priority I ask them for advice and know they will give me a solid response They are fun and respectful and we laugh together We give each other good, practical advice and don’t sugarcoat things because we know what is good for the other person I have a completely clear head when talking to them and little to no warmth, but I do love them Partner Attraction (not yet identified) — happy to be around the person without needing to go anywhere/do anything. A warm feeling of satisfied comfort. No butterflies but deep aesthetic attraction/a love of them for who they are. Would be happy to live with them forever, but need our fundamental principles/personalities to align. Possible kissing/cuddling but not “necessary”/would enjoy sensual touch and calling each other partners They are beautiful, not just aesthetically but for who they are I could bask in their presence all day and never get bored Forms after platonic attraction and over time I would live with them if they wanted to and would feel a bit hurt/inadequate if they decided to live with someone else Secretly/deep down want to be their most important person I do not get butterflies I might feel butterflies after a long time, at least a little, if they kissed me or we formed an actual committed relationship I wouldn’t be interested in pursuing other relationships if we did I would be fine to marry them eventually I don’t get “crush” feelings or feel giddy around them There is a warm, beautiful, content feeling when I am with them I want to see everything about them and be vulnerable with them I need our basic principles and wants to align I could be away from them but I’d miss having them near me after a while They make me smile just by existing (but in a quiet way) Fondness I like doing things together that will strengthen our bond Emotional based relationship I don’t need it reciprocated but I also don’t really want them to date anyone else I often have a clear head around them too, but every now and again, I’m blown over by the intense “wow, their existence is beautiful” feeling that never involves being giddy or “crushy” around them One feels “more serious” and intense than the other, if that makes sense. I worked this out yesterday after an aroace friend said they wanted to marry me platonically and I was like “that might be nice”, while also thinking it wouldn’t be very practical/might cause some resentment because, while we like each other’s company, we’re very different and not really committed relationship material. There are some people who I would be friends with but wouldn’t live with, while there are some people who I’m friends with but who I would be happy to live with if we got to know each other intensely over a long time. I don’t know if they’re different types or just levels of attraction tbh, which is why I’m struggling to work out whether I’m plain old aromantic still or some kind of grey/demiromantic. I think having a definite label would help me explain my feelings to others if I get asked about my orientation. So, based on this, would you say the feelings fall into platonic or romantic or something else? Thank you 💚