Demiromantic or Aro?

[GreenJelly]

Hello,

Until now, I assumed I was fully aromantic and generally identified with that label. But after doing a lot more research into what romantic attraction actually is, I think I could be demi. I’ve never had traditional crush feelings, but I did once have deep feelings of love and partnership for my long-term friend and I used to think they were strictly platonic. I’m not sure anymore, partly because I once kissed her and liked it (I was five-ish), and also because I can imagine myself in a committed and physically affectionate with a (currently non-specific) woman, provided we’d known each other a long time. 

I guess what I’m asking here is whether it’s possible to be pretty sure you’re demi based on a gut feeling and the following connections to the label: 

• All my favourite couples in media are friends to lovers with a focus on romance more than sex

• I take a long time opening up to people, so I’ve never really managed to get to this point, but I would hypothetically enjoy dating if I had a deep emotional bond with the person first 

• All the characters I write also have friends-to lovers arcs 

• I skip the crush phase and go slowly from platonic feelings to “wow you’re beautiful and I would be happy to stay by your side/watch us get old forever” (I don’t NEED the feelings to be returned necessarily, I just want them to be happy) 

• I feel aesthetic attraction at first sight 

• I fantasise about being in a relationship formed over a long time, but with no one in particular 

• I have never felt an urge to date anyone, let alone at first sight, but I do want to find a partner to do traditionally romantic things with one day (and would want things to move slowly while I develop feelings) 

• When I was younger, I jokingly said to myself that anyone who falls in love with me will have heck of a time coaxing me to return the feelings 

• I worry about not finding anyone and being unlovable, but am also not overly fussed about being single 

• Women attract me aesthetically and sensually in ways that men don’t 

 

I don’t have a lot of evidence to go on beyond a gut feeling that I could hypothetically be in a relationship if left to develop feelings for long enough. Honestly relationships in the media just seem so forced and extravagant, which is why I identify as aro. I mean, I get that the feelings are deep and affectionate and sensual/sweet, but I don’t understand infatuation or the need to snog their face off in public. Brief kisses, snuggles and deep monogamous love/commitment are enough for me, which doesn’t really sound like the romance I grew up watching… but it also really doesn’t sound platonic. 

I know it’s hard to put a label on attraction, but I want to try because I’m struggling to explain my feelings to both myself and others. I’m also exhausted from endless Googling, so would really appreciate some external thoughts on what makes someone romantic. 

I looked into cupioromantic before and am not sure whether it fits because I definitely feel *something* that isn’t platonic and I’m not sure it can be called alterous either. I would love a romantic relationship that has formed over time, but I have no idea whether that makes me allo or just wistfully aro. 

It’s hard to guess my romantic orientation when all I have to go on is a guess, one vaguely complex friendship and a love of friends-to-lovers arcs. I’ve been very sheltered my whole life, too, and essentially spend years telling myself I was unloveable before I thought I was aroace, partly because I didn’t think anyone would put in the work/time to love me and partly because I wasn’t sure if I could love them in return. 
 

My gut says I’m demi, but my gut also tells me a lot of things that are wrong lmao and I’m not sure I trust it.
 

Any thoughts on what I could/couldn’t be? Feel free to suggest multiple things that you think are likely based on this. 
 

Thanks! 💚

[EternallyTBD]

If this gives another perspective, I am aromantic, do not want a romantic relationship, but would be ok with romantic-coded things in a close platonic relationship. So, while I have never dated, kissed anyone, etc. I do enjoy and find support in holding hands and I am not repulsed by or averse to the idea of kissing. I had to picture myself in a romantic relationship with all of the feeling you find in books and movies that I can enjoy in those forms of media to realize that no, I don’t want that with anybody. So my suggestion is to think about what you really want a relationship to feel like, not what you want to be doing in it. 
 

However, to answer your earlier question, I would say that it it totally ok to identify as demi based on a gut feeling! After all, in my experience that’s the best indicator. If your gut is telling you that you are demi, and you think that you are demi, you are demi!

Edited July 18, 2023 by EternallyTBD