SoulWolf

2 hours ago, Ice Queen said:

Such as "I can't consider entering a relationship with someone unless we're very close/best friends in the first place". How plausible does this sound? 

To me, it makes perfect sense. No idea how other people will understand it though.

My personal explanation is something like "I'm only interested in friendship". I wouldn't even consider "entering" a "relationship" anyway, because I don't really even know how that works... is it like a room with a door? Or more like a dungeon with a ladder?  

On 28 March 2017 at 0:17 PM, Louis Hypo said:

But that's just what everyone does. To them it's not really any different to refusing a handshake and you don't even make actual contact between the mouth and face, just cheeks.

Note to self: Don't ever go to France... it's not even about it being 'intimate'... the sensation of a human mouth on my face is just klndflknsdf ewwwww nope. Kind of like being licked by a dog... just less wet. My extreme aversion to anything that remotely resembles makeup adds to this problem quite a bit too... This is probably not an aro thing though.  

8 minutes ago, omitef said:

she was like..."so how's that different from being best friends? From dating? From friends with benefits?" and she was asking out of genuine curiosity, not dismissal, but it still upset me. I just thought, "I shouldn't have to be explaining this to you at all. I shouldn't have to tell you the difference...you should just understand that queerplatonic friendship is a serious relationship, and just leave it at that." I feel like I might just be too sensitive sometimes. 

That does seem pretty nosy to me... that's like if you were asking her about her personal relationships, and asking her how they work. I mean, I personally don't understand romantic relationships or how people can justify prioritizing them over their friends. How would she like being asked about that?

9 hours ago, omitef said:

it inevitably becomes an intrusive Q & A session, where people basically ask me to defend my identity.

I know that this will likely happen in a lot of cases, but it isn't right. It's actually none of their business, and if they want to be respectful, they will just accept what you say. They can then either ask you politely to explain a few things, or, they can do research on their own. I don't think you (or any of us) should be obligated to educate people, especially if they actually expect you to justify yourself to them. People like that are not worth it... IMO.

16 minutes ago, Ettina said:

Anyway, I have a feeling that I've been terming squishes, but it's kinda weird. It's like it suddenly hits me, and for a few seconds to minutes I'm just overwhelmed with how wonderful they are and how much I love them. And then it passes, but I still feel very close to them and want to be with them a lot. My first squish I can remember was on my 2 year old brother, and I've squished on cats, kids, and rarely on close friends. 

This sounds very similar to how I feel about some people & many animals, and is what I've been thinking 'squish' means. I suppose it's a valid use of the word, because everyone's different and will have slightly different ways of feeling love towards people/animals anyway...

18 hours ago, Iamwilliame said:

I guess I'm afraid my friends won't take it seriously and will keep pressuring me to date and all that nonsense. How do you make people understand that this is how you are and how you want to be?

I think I'm at a point where I can probably tell people that this is the way I am and the way I prefer to be, and that if they can't accept me this way, they should F*&^#$ off out of my life. But that may be a bit harsh in most cases. Other than that, I don't know how to make anyone understand anything. I'm not sure that's possible. The most success I've had with helping people understand is sending them links to stuff to read. Don't give in to pressure though... give them pressure right back!

7 hours ago, anzu2snow said:

It might be weird, though.

Then celebrate the weirdness!

14 hours ago, DeltaV said:

Though I engaged in some kind of child-like pleasuring myself, at this age I didn't experience sexual attraction at all, of course. Because of this I imagined sex as some kind of relaxed mutual masturbation “with the help of another person's body” (really like many aces do) and thought something along the line “Ok, sounds interesting. When I'm older, I might try that.”

 

But sexual attraction changed everything, it made sex from something that “sounds interesting / maybe nice” to a high I get without drugs.

That's actually pretty interesting, thanks for sharing. I never got past the point of thinking of it as relaxed mutual masturbation or something like that. When people seem like they're sexually attracted to me (by what they say or do), it creeps me out. I've never really known how that feels, I suppose, or why anyone would take it as a compliment.

What was the 'change over' to sexual attraction like, and did you understand what was happening? Was it gradual or sudden?

28 minutes ago, NullVector said:

I always worked on the assumption that my summoning up the courage/recklessness/stupidity(!) to even attempt anything 'romantic' would need to be predicated on my finding the other person super-awesome from a friendship perspective first. So the idea of "romance first" made literally zero sense to me. Like, the opposite of sense, even. It took me a LONG time to figure out that most other people don't operate that way...

Same here. Until I really thought about it hard, and started to question just what exactly is the difference between a romantic relationship and friendship... in my mind, I couldn't really come up with anything. I started asking people why they would actually want a relationship over friendship, and the answers they gave were all things that I think friendship could give them just as well. Aaaand then I found aromanticism, and it all made sense.

Sometimes I feel curious about what sex would actually be like. I'm not really repulsed by the whole idea, sometimes it seems like it could even be nice, if it's with a friend I trust 100%, and there isn't any confusing romantic stuff involved. But then I'd have to be 120% sure it isn't going to screw up the friendship, and all that kind of stuff, etc, ... it's just not worth the hassle.

My friend: "What are you going to do for Valentine's day?"

Me: "Go to the dentist."

18 hours ago, Kickaxe said:

Of course, some of them are just mean, and if you ever need backup with one of them I learned how to punch someone yesterday.

Cool, I can also give out punching tips.

For people IRL who I can't give links to (and also because I suck at long complicated explanations) I would give short answers like "because I have no reason to" if they ask me why I don't date or fall in love or whatever. Some added bonus lines I might use:

"It doesn't appeal to me and never has"

"I tried it anyway and figured out it isn't for me"

"I prefer friendship"

I have more conversations in my head than with other humans.  

I suppose it's easier to explain the aro/ace combo than seperating them? I'd imagine that talking about a lack of romantic attraction is OK with most people, but explaining sexual attraction to strangers just seems kind of TMI and none of their business...

8 hours ago, Kojote said:

I had (male) friends who'd say stuff like that and I'd always tease back like this:
"then why don't you wear it ;D"

Hahaha, I do this too! I try to make them as uncomfortable as possible so that they never do it again.

8 hours ago, Kojote said:

That being said, I have really liberal friends. Most of my hetero cis guy friends have no problem kissing each other or wearing dresses for fun or showing up at a Rocky Horror picture party in a corset! They do tease me about my lack of femininity but in a friendly banter type of way and I usually take it as a compliment  

Wow, you have awesome friends.

8 hours ago, Kojote said:

I used to be really opposed to all things fem(TM) when I was younger, cause I'm AFAB. No crying, no dresses, no pink, no dolls, no nothing.

Same! I still hate crying when anyone can see me, though it's less bad than it used to be, and I used to despise pink. I've recently started to discover that certain shades of pink can actually be really awesome, so I guess I'm getting over that.

I've also never really understood the concept of certain things and activities being masculine or feminine, or why people make gendered assumptions about people based on what things and activities they enjoy. And by not understood I mean it literally makes no sense, even if people try to explain it to me. If they make a list of things, saying these are feminine and these are masculine, I'm like... why? What is the point of even categorizing them like that at all? It's just an unnecessary complication. Seriously, how does anyone in the entire world benefit in any way whatsoever from categorizing things like that?

49 minutes ago, Cassiopeia said:

That's so awkward from the other way around as well. I don't know how many times I had to explain as a teenager that no, I'm not hatin', I'm just really gay.  

Since then I have learned how to admire people a bit less obviously.

They might be admiring me? OK, I like that theory, I think I'll stick with that.

The pressure to start shaving thing is ridiculous too. One of the girls in my class actually said many years later that when she heard that all girls have to shave, she thought she was supposed to shave everything... legs, arms, hands, toes... everything. I laughed because I had also wondered about that. It's like... who starts these things even? Just some random girl hears that one of her elders shaves, and then she decides to share this "incredible wisdom" with everyone else and it snowballs from there? It has to start with an older person at some point, right? So are parents actually telling their kids to shave or what?

14 hours ago, Dodecahedron314 said:

Why the heck do people think it's ever going to be anything other than a.) pointless, and b.) extremely awkward, to say something like this to someone?

Playful teasing? I do stuff like that... I think the reason I do it is because I suck at compliments, so instead of saying "hey, you have nice legs", I'd say something stupid like "hey, you have legs! I've never seen those before!" ... maybe I should work on that.

14 hours ago, Dodecahedron314 said:

Speaking of which, what is it with the whole obnoxiously gendered prom culture thing? Is that a thing outside the US? Because here, at least, the amount of expectations of conventional femininity that are attached to the whole affair is more than a little horrifying.

It's not that bad here in South Africa, but it is still kind of a thing. We call it something else though. I didn't go to mine (long story). I've also actively avoided a lot of "formal dress" occasions because well, I wouldn't be caught dead in a dress, and wearing a suit would seem wrong in a similar kind of way. So what does that leave me with? Simple... don't go. lol

9 hours ago, techno-trashcan said:

When I go to the mall with my friends, sometimes they want to look at clothes, which is fine because I like clothes well enough, but I don't feel comfortable shopping with people because I cannot bring myself to fit the stereotypical feminine narrative. And I just get so sick of being judged for it! "Just wear the swimsuit, you'll look great, don't be self-conscious!" It's not that I'm self-conscious, I mean that's part of it, but I just hate the way it feels and feminine gender roles just make me want to scream.

This is pretty much why I gave up on having female friends almost completely at some point. I can't deal with shit like "You're a really pretty girl, you would look good in a dress/bikini/whatever" no, just NO leavemealoneyoucrazypeople...

9 hours ago, aussiekirkland said:

Not to mention of my friends was a lesbian and wasn't allowed to take a girl, so she took a gay guy so they could share the pain of homophobic private schools together. I couldn't even believe that rule existed, it was absolutely disgusting.

Was that recent? I can imagine stuff like that happening like back when I was at school (conservative small town, late last century), but nowadays I'd kind of expect people to know better...

On a related note, the latest Lucifer episode I watched is starting to look... problematic... for similar reasons. Then again, I suppose it doesn't really matter a whole lot since I didn't relate to him all that much in the first place. But still... it feels like something is being taken away, not something being added.

4 hours ago, Cassiopeia said:

Statistically most AFAB people naturally do look like Frida Khalo, especially if they are from an ethnic group near the equator. They do have facial hair and nipple hair and unibrows, hairy bellies, hobbit feet and thigh hair and all that jazz. Just shave from the age of 12 on. That's pretty depressing if you think about it.

Cool, thanks for posting that. First thing I noticed when I looked up pics of Frida is that she looks like she could be related to me.  

Yay role models.

3 hours ago, Dodgypotato said:

People get grossed out whenever a woman is not stereotypically feminine. And that pisses me off. I didn't even realise this was going on for many years of my life.

I've just recently realized that I think I understand why I've had so much trouble with people staring at me oddly. I have a pretty androgynous face, and I prefer having short hair, and I like my thick eyebrows (which apparently look like a unibrow to some people). In summer it's not too hard to tell that I have boobs and such (though they are quite small), but in winter when I have a thick jacket on, people stare more. It's like they're trying to figure out what the hell I am (why do they even want to know that badly? Though I've been guilty of this as well!). I've always hated getting that kind of attention from people. I get it more now with the facial hair, so I guess I'm gonna have to desensitize myself to it. The guy in the pizza place looked incredibly awkward while I was ordering the other day, it was almost hilarious, but it made me nervous as hell too. And the till lady was almost completely ignoring me while ringing up my items, lol.

Why didn't I realize this sooner though? It now seems like it should have been more obvious...

Probably because I spend a lot of time in my own little world, ignoring reality... for obvious reasons, I suppose. I guess I couldn't handle the truth until recently.

Or I could just email them... and send them links to read.  

It may be an "easy way out" but it does make it more likely to happen at some point in this lifetime.

19 hours ago, Holmbo said:

 

Are you afraid they will take it badly?
 

I think it's more like I don't want to deal with the drama of explaining it, and all the stupid reactions people have posted about getting from people... I'm not convinced I could remain calm. If they say anything that seems even a little bit condescending, there's a reasonable chance I'll get really angry really fast. I don't think I'd have that problem with most other people though, just my parents.

Hair has never bothered me, but the fact that hair bothers other people does bother me. I think I'm hairier than the average female person too, so for me to keep up with the insanity of being hairless, I'd have to have expensive laser treatments (considered it once, but didn't do), or shave obsessively and deal with the itch. Screw that. I mean, I prefer not having a forest on my legs, so I do shave that sometimes... but that's really for my own preference and not for others.

One thing I absolutely cannot stand though is make-up. First of all, it's disgusting... icky slimy stuff on your face all day? No thanks! I actually don't let people who wear make-up get too close to me in case some of it rubs off. I've had this aversion to the stuff for as long as I can remember. Secondly... it makes people ugly, IMO. They look like clowns. I don't understand how any of that is supposed to make people "beautiful"... does not compute.

Oh, back to hair. Eyebrows. Why is it considered feminine or pretty to have thin eyebrows? I think the contrast of having dark thick eyebrows looks nice, on all people regardless of gender. Borderline invisible eyebrows (especially if done on purpose) looks weird to me. Then again, fake eyebrows painted on with make up or whatever looks just as weird, so I dunno. Do people actually shave them off and then paint them back on again?  

Also, I'm able to grow a small chin beard and mustache. I'm currently letting it grow out of curiosity and amusement - nobody has said anything yet except my one friend who keeps saying "I think it's time to shave"... to which I say "I think it's time to STFU". Thing is though, I don't know if it's actually really that rare for females to be able to grow some facial hair, or if they actually can, but they just keep removing it...

2 hours ago, aussiekirkland said:

I find that not adhering to almost any feminine beauty standards makes it easier to narrow down my pool of friends and not getting too close to people who are clearly sexist and/or homophobic.

I like this idea. I expect to lose some "friends" in the not too distant future. Hopefully I'll find some more good ones too.

Good luck! 

I don't think I'm that brave yet.

On 13 January 2017 at 9:39 AM, Shroomie said:

my mom found out, and pretty much said "no you're not, don't be ridiculous"

Ugh.   

That really sucks. I hate when people do that.

I just saw this in my Facebook feed, and the person who posted it seemed to find it agreeable... I read it and cringed soooo hard...

"Marry me" should not be used as punctuation...  

1 hour ago, Dodecahedron314 said:

I had a male best friend in 4th grade, and I couldn't understand why we weren't allowed to have sleepovers at each other's houses like everyone else was allowed to with their best friends.

Hah, yeah... I had a similar thing in college, when my first year roommates were driving me CRAZY, so I asked the people in charge if I can swap and be roommates with one of my actual friends (who were all male at the time), and they just looked at me funny.

I was always weird and had zero social skills, and was always jealous of everyone with a 'best friend'. That was all I ever wanted in relation to other people. Even when I went to college, my main wish was "maybe I'll meet my best friend here"... meanwhile everyone else was chasing entirely different things...

I was at my friend's birthday party when I was 16, and people were drinking and stuff, and this one (probably drunk) guy sat next to me and said "what would you do if I kissed you right now?" ... I was like "I will punch you in the face!"

My friend was wondering why I was so hostile... I couldn't really figure it out either. Just my natural reaction I guess.

(Not sure if this one counts) ... When I was very little, I was trying to understand how people got married. I imagined it would work kind of like going up to random people in the street, asking them what language they speak, and if it's the same as yours, then you ask them to marry you... and that's it.

7 hours ago, Ace of Amethysts said:

Why is friendship considered to be "less than romance" by 99.99% of human beings? I just don`t understand it...

 

I have no idea. It's been making me confused and angry since about forever.