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I don't really get repulsed by it, in films and books i find it boring, in songs it's just something you learn to accept (though i like metal and punk mostly and fortunately love isn't one of the main topics haha) If it's directed at me it's more of a hassle than something that freaks me out bc i have to tell them i'm not interested and this can be pretty difficult idk. Sometimes seeing couples irl and in films just kinda makes me sad like, am i broken? Missing something? Missing out? Which can cause spiraling

21 minutes ago, arokaladin said:

There *isn't* anything wrong with being with two people. The problem is when that wasn't discussed and one person is going behind another's back. I think maybe you're mixing up cheating with polyamory, and those aren't the same at all. Cheating within a monogamous (non polyamorous) relationship is where two people have agreed to be together, and one of them sees another person without the first's knowledge or agreement. Polyamory is when multiple people all agree to be with each other, or that their partner can see other people (it can be many other things too but the agreement is what's important.)

 

Romantic relationships in our society are in most places monogamous by default. This is a norm we need to challenge, and the fact that romantic and platonic relationships operate on different rules is also something we need to challenge, so I see why you as someone on the arospec may feel confused about the exclusivity of romantic relationships when people are free to have as many friends as they like, but like it or not that's the norm. People assume their relationships will be exclusive, so conversations need to be had if that's not going to be the case.

 

Moreover 'cheating' doesn't just mean being with multiple people, and it can happen in polyamorous relationships too. If a triad lays out the 'rules' that none of them will have any more partners and one of the three does, that's still cheating. If a couple have an open relationship on the condition that safe sex is practiced whatever, and one partner has unprotected sex with a new person, that's cheating. Really try to think of it as breaking the rules.

 

So, tl;dr: 'cheating' isn't not being 'tied down', it's violating the boundaries another person/people in your relationship have set out. It's wrong because you've done something that you know your partner(s) didn't want you to do and will be upset by. I hope that makes sense.

 

 

Of course i understand that it's wrong because it was a violation of boundaries! I guess i'm wondering more on the emotional side of it because it sucks when my friends come to me for advice when they have been cheated on (usually i'm good at advice) and i just cannot comprehend how they are feeling and why it hurts so much that the person they are with shared an emotional connection or sexual experience with someone else or why barely any relationships are polyamorous. Maybe it will become clearer with time

8 minutes ago, Jot-Aro Kujo said:

Seconding what everyone else said, and I say this as an aro who is very much concerned with not being "tied down" to any one person in my life.

 

Imagine it like this. Let's say you're entering some sort of tournament that involves teams of two. You and your teammate are really excited for this tournament! You're very loyal to each other, ride or die. You work great together and really balance out each others' strengths and weaknesses. You're honored that your partner chose you as their teammate, and the bond you have runs deep; When you win, it will be together. If one of you goes down, you both lose. You're in this for the long haul, and you talk often about the strength of your bond as partners- There's no one you'd rather have fighting by your side, and you know your teammate feels the same. You're in it to win it, together.

As the tournament progresses, you notice that your teammate seems increasingly tired. Concerned, you question them about it, asking if they're ok; They insist they're fine, even though this kind of exhaustion is unusual for them, which you know because you know them so well as a teammate.

Eventually, your teammate confesses to you: This whole time, they've also been teaming with one of your opponents. All of that stuff about winning together, being the perfect team? That was all a lie. You've been putting in your all, giving 100% to support your partner, talking about how strong your bond is, how you'll win together- And all this time, your partner hasn't been giving their all, because they were busy working for another team without asking or even telling you, their loyal teammate. Not because they were tricked, or blackmailed, or anything like that, but just because... They wanted to. Because they liked someone else better. They could have said from the beginning, "Hey, I'd really like to play for this team too- Is that cool with you?", but instead they lied to you, telling you that you're the only one for them, that you're an unbreakable duo. They didn't care about you enough to be honest with you, or ask how you felt. They did what they wanted, without caring what you wanted; They lied to you, and even compromised their ability to provide what they'd promised- While you'd been putting in full effort to win the tournament, as was the arrangement, they were not, because they were dividing their time and energy between you and someone else, while claiming that they were giving 100%. After everything you did for them, all the genuine effort you went through to win the prize together with them, they let you down by lying to you and not treating you with the same respect you were treating them.

Wouldn't that suck?

that was a really good explanation! If i can translate it into something i am passionate about it makes a lot more sense i just want to understand it more so i can help my friends, Kind of glad i don't have to worry about all that now haha

18 minutes ago, pressAtoQUEER said:

It's not bad to be with two people. But that's not at all what cheating is. Cheating is not the same as an open relationship or polyamory, which are consensual and agreed upon relationships. Cheating is nonconsensual. Cheating is an outright lie to someone that crosses a stated/agreed upon boundary of conduct with each other. It's bad to lie and gaslight and cross boundaries (and often it exposes people to unsafe sexual practice that one or more parties is unaware of and therefore unprepared for) - all of which can seriously impact someone's mental and emotional health to be manipulated and treated like that.

 

I get how you feel because the one time I dated, I wanted nothing more than for my now-ex to have some of his needs met by other people more willing and with more energy to meet them. He had blanket permission to do whatever with whoever else from me (which upset and offended him very much), so there was not really a way to cheat on me.

 

But not everyone feels the same way, and that's the difference.

 

Think of a boundary that's important to you. (Maybe you have a boundary about being touched in a certain way or about a policy of honesty with friends or a certain level of contact with a family member or maybe even a boundary about interactions with your boss/another person in authority over you.) Think of someone you care about (or otherwise a relevant person in that scenario) in some capacity that explicitly knows you have that boundary and then specifically ignores and crosses that boundary and then outright lies about it, perhaps even gaslighting you to get you to believe them. Or even imagine that they secretly crossed that boundary and then later admitted to doing it, either by your confrontation or completely out of the blue because they felt bad about it. That might help you understand more how it feels when people get cheated on.

Thank you:) The boundary explanation helped a lot, and i should have said that i do know the difference between polyamory and cheating! Honestly i just want to be able to help my friends when they come to me for advice but it's an emotion i can't really fathom as i've never been in a situation where i have someone all to myself it's so weird

Despite the fact i've never really had any romantic feelings for anyone, I always dismissed the fact I might be aro because I absolutely love romantic moments, the cliche stuff like someone throwing rocks at my window so we can sneak out and go for a midnight drive and watch the stars, or standing outside a party in the cool breeze, with the music sounding rather muffled while we share a cigarette, or running across a field in the rain laughing, or sharing a milkshake in an empty diner somewhere in the desert, i could go on.

But whenever i'd talk about this with people they would entertain me for a bit and then be like "yeah but we can also just stay in and cuddle and make out all day,' which to me sounds dreadfully boring:/

Kissing looks really cool in movies n stuff but i really don't see the point? That's for food not smushing against someone else.

One day I was at a concert with a guy i kinda knew and he was flirting with me all day and I  pretended not to notice, but then during the show he told me and asked if he could kiss me, and I said yea bc the situation was so magical, with the pretty lights and soulful music n shit and i knew i'd regret it if i didn't but i felt absolutely NOTHING, it was kinda disappointing.

So yeah i think i'm just an aro dude who needs some good friends to do whack shit with because you don't need to be dating someone to sneak out with them at 3am and get high in a skate park.

There's a quote by the 1975 that has really stuck with me "don't fall in love with the moment and think you're in love with the girl."

I get that cheating is bad and wrong but i literally can't comprehend why, people say it's a breach of trust but aaaaah i don't see why it's so bad to be with two people, it's so weird not being able to understand why people get so destroyed over it:// Relationships seem more trouble than they're worth why would you want to be tied down to someone?

Does anyone relate?

Or can explain why being cheated on feels so bad?

i guess i've never really experienced this problem as most of the guys i hang out with are all really into bands or comic books or shit like that so we have discussions about our interests rather than girls:/ I guess when you're with your bandmates focus on the thing you all have in common which is the band ofc:) And you don't necessarily have to come out, just tell them you're not really interested in relationships/girls rn and the discussions are getting kinda boring,, and that you're not gay lmao bc they will immediately assume that?