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About Illus

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  1. Sometimes you just read things and go "holy heck, these are my people". That just happened to me here - I feel like I could have written every post in this thread at some point or other in the past couple years. I've ended relationships because I didn't want to keep up the forced romantic facade, I've been in a relationship and thought "Wait - what if I'm aro?" and "Where are my boundaries?", I've made a Want | Will | Won't list. If it helps, I feel a lot more comfortable and settled now because I spent a while experimenting and deliberately trying to find out where my boundaries were. I'd try most things once, and then analyse how I felt about it, recalibrate, and be honest with the other people involved about what was happening. Most importantly, if you want to be with someone, you deserve someone who wants from you the things that you're willing to provide or at least compromise on. Splitting up and being friends is a totally acceptable option if he wants more than you're willing to provide, so don't be afraid to prioritise what you need in the relationship - though from the sounds of things, him being super receptive to your boundaries sounds achieveable and lovely. @confused af I'd be interested to hear how your conversation goes, if you're willing to share!
  2. My living situation a couple years ago was a huge mess, but it was - for a short while at least - close enough to what's described here that I think it's worth responding. The best bit is that it wasn't even two alloaros! Before I realised I was aro, I was in a (supposedly) romantic relationship, and not doing a very good job of it, for obvious reasons. My girlfriend had moved in with me, not so much because we were following the relationship escalator - things definitely had not progressed to that point, it was waaaaaay too soon - but just because I had space and she didn't have other options. Long story short, we broke up - turns out I didn't want to be in a romantic relationship, for some unknowable reason??? - and she still didn't have options. We worked things out, because we had to, and she ended up in an open or possibly polyamorous relationship with another person, while cohabiting and maintaining fwb with me. This still wasn't sustainable, because she wanted to move somewhere that wouldn't make her actual SO and I super awkward for being in the same room, but yeah the non-sustainable part was the accommodation rather than the relationships. We're still fwb, and I don't think either of us sees it working out super long term but it's still working just fine for the moment. So yeah it might have only lasted a couple months but technically fits all the boxes: cohabiting, sexual partners that had to change things for a reason other than catching feels. Serial sleep-kicker here, sorry not sorry, it's not something I have control over!
  3. For context, I've recently started identifying as aro but still feel all of the other forms of attraction. For those in a similar position, how do you talk to people about being more than friends but also not a romantic relationship? I've been bumbling around asking people out on 'dates' and having to clarify ahead of time that I don't want it to go anywhere because 'date' is super romance coded, so it'd be great to know if anyone has a better solution to this problem.
  4. Thank you both! I guess I'm currently aro then and we'll see if that changes in future.
  5. Hi everyone, new user here but I'm slow to change so I've poked around a fair bit before signing up. The main question I have is "How were any of you ever sure with your identity?". I'm only here because I found a list of the types of attraction that can be felt (it included sexual, romantic, sensual, emotional, and aesthetic - are there any others?). I know for sure I've felt everything on that list with the exception of romantic, but I'm struggling to determine where the line is between aromantic and merely afraid of commitment. My situation also means that I pass really easily - I've been in a couple reasonably serious relationships before, and the common factor in the break ups is my inability to see things working out for a longer term future. I think maybe something more is going on because of my answers to several of the 'You Might Be Aromantic If..." questions. I don't really get what most people get out of kissing, for example, and my ideal relationship looks like some kind of relationship anarchy/QPR with benefits mess. I scored something like 30/50 on Anagnori's list (https://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/69145328274/you-might-be-aromantic-if, I've seen it mentioned in a couple threads). Any advice on how I might be able to know for sure appreciated.
  6. YMBAI you tried to use some arbitrary rule to determine whether or not you loved someone. When I was in relationships I tried "Am I more concerned for this person's welfare than my parents's?" and "Is there something about this person in particular that I can't get from my other friends/family support network?". The former has obvious issues, and I'm not sure how the latter works because it never happened to me.
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