Need some advice

[Guest WhattodoaboutMonday]

 I don’t know how I feel, but I feel weird

I’m sorry, I’m not sure if I’m supposed to post here or really where, I was just looking for some advice, I don’t really have anyone to turn to about what just happened. 

I should preface, I’m female (21) I’ve never had a boyfriend and thought nobody really deemed me attractive enough to start a conversation, I think this is why I feel weird.

I got to a large university and we have something called a student center where people can go grab food for dinner and what not or just study. Well, I went because I missed dinner at the dining hall and was pretty hungry, instead of going back to my dorm I decided to stay at the student center and work on my final project for class that is due tomorrow. 

A guy who I’ll call Steve came up to me and asked if he could sit by me, I wasn’t sure of what he meant or if I just misheard him so I told him he could have my seat and that I was going to go to a different part of the student center. He said “no” he was just wondering if he could sit at the table with me (mind you there were already four open tables). 

I  was ok with that but I told him I was going in a little bit. He said ok and came to sit next to me which I thought was weird as I though he meant across from me. We started talking a bit, but I told him I was busy and working on a project, hinting at him to leave me alone, except he wouldn’t. 

He told me his friend were off playing pool and kept inviting me to things, asking where I live, what I do, ect. I told him some things but I mostly left everything vague. Every time he would ask if I was free I would tell him I have a lot of finals to finish up so probably not but he kept asking. 

Some time had passed since I first sat down, my computer died, and I was getting ready to leave which I again hinted at, but Steven came and moved his chair to essentially block me from getting out from the table (I was in the corner) 

He then asked me if mind if he sat next to me and I said I’m ok as long as you don’t touch me. He laughed and then said can I put my hand over your shoulder, I don’t know what I was expecting but he did, I think I was expecting more of a friendly hand on the shoulder instead of felt not so friendly. I told him I rather him not, and after a few time of shrugging my shoulder to try and get him to move his arm he didn’t. Instead he moved his hand to the side of me (my left side to be exact) and started to stroke my boob and bra through my shirt, like trying to massage me. I kept shifting uncomfortably and I told him I was hot but he still kept his arm and hand around my chest area. 

I felt really uncomfortable and I still do. I feel like it’s my fault though because I didn’t explicitly tell him to stop, I for whatever reason thought he could tell by my body language that I didn’t like it. I also tried looking around and signaling I needed some help of sorts but nobody was really paying attention. 

I just feel really weird and kind of gross and I realize I should have said something earlier if I didn’t want to be touched in that way, but I was kind of scared. 

I just wanted to write this down and ask if maybe I am overacting or just get some advice on if I should do anything? 

[Guest Support]

You are SO not overreacting! That was sexual harassment, clear as day, straight from the books! You could probably get him in trouble with the university or something, what he did was SUPER not okay! Of course, any action on your part is your decision, but in NO WAY was this your fault! He knew that what he did was both inappropriate and morally wrong! You were clearly very uncomfortable and gave no consent! IF YOU DON’T GIVE CONSENT, THAT’S SEXUAL HARASSMENT, NO WAY AROUND IT. If you don’t say yes, it’s an automatic no. I suggest you try to figure out what you can do with the school or a lawyer, but you do whatever you feel comfortable with and don’t be afraid to stand up and tell him no if this ever happens again. Or leave. Or publicly embarrass him. Or scream about how he’s sexually harassing you, I find that people don’t like attention being drawn to them if they might get in trouble. But, anyway, you WERE NOT overreacting and you shouldn’t EVER think that if this situation happens again.

[Guest purplehat]

If in any situation someone is making you uncomfortable, say no and leave immediately.

This time you froze with fear on encountering a new and uncomfortable situation, that's alright. Happens to everyone.

We are only human, after all.

But, in future my advice is to be direct and straightforward about what you want. Learn to say no.

It was Steven's fault majorly because he should not have touched you in a sexual way without explicit consent.

What happened, happened.

Learn to assert your wishes.

And if someone tries to touch you again even just on the shoulder and you do not like it. Explicitly say that it is making you uncomfortable.

[Ekaterina]

You did tell him you don't have time to be talking with him, but he ignored you. You did try to leave, but he forced you to stay. You literally said you don't want him touch you, twice, as well as trying to free yourself physically, and he ignored everything and literally laughed. It is not a misunderstanding, he realized well you are uncomfortable, but didn't care. And yes, like the comment above says, it is textbook sexual harassment. And deliberate one. This guy is absolutely NOT good company.