My first love: an aromantic(alterous) perspective

[Queen of Spades]

Alterous attraction is complex and also still not as commonly known as other types, which is why I was thinking that sharing this experience could be helpful in terms of insight. This is how I feel it, at least, so here we go.

When I was 17, I used to spend a lot of time on a translation website as I’ve always had a thing for languages. One day, a woman living in my country but in a different town approached me on the chat. She would initiate conversations on a regular basis until we grew close enough to see each other as friends. Months went by and our friendship flourished. I found myself trusting her more than I trusted some friends in real life and she would also share her worries and trouble with me, so it was mutual. I remember how I could hardly wait for another chat with her. How much I enjoyed talking to her about this and that, how I could truly be myself, knowing she would never judge me. I remember how, when I was 18, I would feel a sting in my heart whenever she would refer to some IRL friend of hers as her best friend, as I wished so badly she felt the same way about me. At the same time, I would also feel uneasy and sad somehow when she would mention going on a date with some guy. More time went by, and sensual attraction came into picture as well. I started daydreaming about cuddling with her, holding her hand, sleeping by her side. I craved to be held in her embrace. It was then that I knew what I felt for her was going beyond normal friendship. I was 19 and would dream about a scenario where we are each other’s number one, spending quality time, but also sharing these moments of affection on a regular basis. Later, she confessed to me that in 30 years of life, she had never felt comfortable to become that intimate with a guy - with the idea of sex, that is. She also shared some more insight which made me realise she was asexual. Since I’m not sexually attracted to women at all, it would have worked perfectly between us if… if I were what she was looking for. But I knew that I was not because she was heteroromantic, so what a guy could give her would probably make my kind of love pale into insignificance in her eyes. (she was complaining she dated guy X but felt no spark, and how she wished she felt the flame of love again, and, well, I was like “huh?”). It was hard for me to comprehend - if the sex part is off the list, but we have this strong bond, and we can talk about anything, and we have physical (non-sexual) affection, what more could she want? My aromantic brain can’t process it, so yeah. The idea is, I never confessed my feelings because I knew she wanted a man. So if I couldn’t have her as my significant other, I would settle for us being best friends and cherish it. She then had a boyfriend who in the end cheated on her and she was heartbroken. Later, she told me about some nasty experiences on dating sites and it killed me inside, I couldn’t help thinking “Why is she after those assholes, why isn’t she with me instead? I would always respect her and I love her so much, I give her the affection and appreciation she is looking for”. Yet, I never had the courage to tell her, so I kept all the fantasies to myself and cherished her friendship. We had formed such a strong bond and I thought that nothing could break it. But time would prove me wrong, so wrong… She promised me she would never turn her back on me. She would tell me how much she cared for me. And yet… it all ended in a heartbreak for me because she abandoned me in a most unexpected way. I was 21. 

 

Edited January 17 by Queen of Spades