Am I an Aro or just confused?

[ideapadslim3]

Hello there, I'm new here but I am glad I found this place to share my long unanswered questions aka my burden. LOL

So, I'm 30's something female and single. I LOVE BEING SINGLE. I'M FREE. haha. I'm an ADD person, inattentive type, 

Certain people ask me whether I have a plan for marriage, and they will gladly help me in finding a partner. But I refuse their kind offer. Say, I'm not ready yet to form a family and nobody ever proposed to me. 

Deep down in my mind I often think that once I get married, my life is over. I should devote my life to my husband, my in-laws, my brand-new family. All this time all I do is to fulfill my parent's expectations. It's really suffocating me.

And I don't think I can take care of other people as I get used to being alone, taking care of myself since childhood. I was brought up as an independent child. No crying over spilt milk. Endure many hardships.

I passed my childhood and adolescence days normally. I had school crushes -more like one-sided love and secret admiring, etc like any teenager would do.

I have just read this section, 

Questioning

Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M AROMANTIC?

I just wanna comment on certain points:

• Some aromantic people don’t want to find a romantic partner, don’t feel enthusiastic about the idea, make up excuses for why they aren’t looking for a romantic partner, and/or feel like it’s something they’re being forced into. --> Yes, I don't like the idea of searching or pursuing a romantic partner. I have no excitement about it.

• Some aromantic people want to find a romantic partner, but aren’t interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with any person that they meet. They also may reject opportunities to enter into romantic relationships. --> it's so me, I reject offers from people who try to 'match-making' me. I reject confessions.

• Some aromantic people feel uncomfortable in romantic relationships with people they generally liked, often feeling as though their romantic partner loves them more than they love that partner. --> I don't think I'll enjoy it. I don't like it when other people occupy my mind and take my 'me time'.

• Some aromantic people assume that other people are making up and/or exaggerating romantic attraction and their infatuations. --> I found romantic actions and remarks in real life were cringe. I used to look at disdain to people who cajole me relentlessly. Those romantic phrases were bullshit. Like I can see through men's brains.

• Some aromantic people aren’t able to tell whether their affection for a person who they like is platonic or romantic.

• Some aromantic people don’t notice others flirting with them or that their own behavior is perceived as flirtatious by others. --> So, one day, my male friend told me that his friend liked me. OMG. I have no idea about it! I tend to behave like a kind lady to everybody and spread smiles - even though I sometimes get PMS. But my kindness is sometimes like a boomerang for me. Like, I was labelled as flirtatious. I hate being flirty though!

• Some aromantic people feel very uncomfortable when someone tells them they’re in love with them or have a crush on them. This may include feeling anxiety, dread, guilt, panic, or as though a responsibility has been put upon them. --> Yes! If a male acquaintance confessed to me, I would draw the line and keep away from him. It gives me a goosebump.  Sometimes my intuition gets better on me, I can sense that this man has romantic feelings for me even though he doesn't say anything. I will keep a distance.

• Some aromantic people may enjoy flirting as a fun conversation and don’t have intentions for it to lead to dating or romantic relationships. --> I love talking with the opposite gender because it's fun and they have ideas and different POV from my female counterparts. But some people may misunderstood my intention.

Love is an emotion. Emotion can emerge and disappear in a blink of eyes. I don't believe people who tell me that they love me. I'm not sure if can love other people as much as they do. Because sometimes I kinda feel like an unempathetic bitch.

 

 

So, back to my question? Am I an aro or just confused one?

[hemogoblin]

50 minutes ago, ideapadslim3 said:

So, back to my question? Am I an aro or just confused one?

That's up to you. Identity is immensely subjective. It is not a math equation. It is not a diagnosis. There is no calculator you can plug variables into and get a specific answer. There is no test you can take that will accurately determine a label. 

Labels are just tools of communication. They are always going to be an oversimplification of the complex, intricate reality of your depth of feelings. Does the label aro help you? Does it help you communicate something about how you feel to others? Does it help you feel seen/understood? Does it help you categorize your own feelings to yourself? Does it help you connect to a community of people with similar experiences? Do you want to ID as aro?

If you answered yes to any of those, then you should try ID'ing as aro for a while and, a bit down the road, reassess if you want to keep identifying as aromantic or not. 

Identity is not about finding the objectively correct, most technically accurate term there is. It's about you. What makes you feel best? What do you want? There is no aro authority or council or expert who can bestow the validity of aroness upon you. If you choose to ID as aro, for whatever amount of time long or short, then you're valid. If you only ID'd as aro as an experiment, then you're valid. Nobody gets to claim they know your feelings better than you. Nobody gets to claim ownership over your identity but you. 

There is no "yes" or "no" answer to your question. Only your own will. 

I will suggest you look into loveless/heartless and see if you relate to anything there and if anything there helps you better understand yourself. 

https://mogai.miraheze.org/wiki/Loveless_Aro

https://aros-hoard.tumblr.com/post/680014578910953472/heartless-aromantic-a-heartless-aromantic-is-an

Edited December 15, 2023 by hemogoblin