I feel repulsed by romance but I also want to feel it

[Guest Ray]

The first time I ever got familiar with the concept "aromantic" , I thought i' m Aegoromantic , but recently I feel sad , you know? I see all these couples , the effection , the trust , the comfort everything a good relationship has and feel like I'm missing out , but at the same time there's this feeling that I feel so repulsed and disgusted by it , I know I would get bored after a time soon or later if I get in a relationship , but I tell myself , "I only fee like this cuz I can't fall in love , if I actually love this person , I won't get tired " I know there's something wrong with me about the topic of attachment which might be the reason I think I'm aro , I just wanna be loved , not in a platonic way , something like romance , but as I said it's overrated , cliché , not interesting , can get boring .

Thinking about marrying a person and be with them forever , make me cringe and back off from the topic but at the same time I need it , I want it , I feel so sad and I cried about this for several times , I just want to be like everybody else , my dicgust toward people doesn't help either , I don't like people , I want them to leave me alone but also want someone to stick around , not like a friend or best friend , closer ... there's alot other things that make me feel like this , other than the ones I mentioned there's also being touch starved , and the need of feeling of being able to have a physical contact with someone without being worried I'm annoying them , it just look like a beautiful experience that I'm not able to feel , I thought I'm aroflux for once liking it and maybe a minute or day/days later being repulsed by it , but I feel loving it and hating it at the same time , like a love_hate feeling , which sucks cuz it's confusing the sh@t out of me , I'm repulsed by human body but want someone to hold close 

Help what the f@vk is wrong with me? Is this even normal?? Is it even about being aro , or is there something else ? ..... 

( btw sorry if I had any mistake in my grammer or phrasing , English isn't my first language )

[hemogoblin]

On 12/8/2023 at 11:28 AM, Guest Ray said:

Help what the f@vk is wrong with me?

You grew up in an amatonormative society that punishes people for not fitting into a teeny-tiny, specific box.

On 12/8/2023 at 11:28 AM, Guest Ray said:

Is this even normal??

To want to fit in? Yeah, humans be like that.

To feel bad about not fitting in when you've been inundated with messages about fitting in your entire life? Yeah, humans be like that.

To want to know what something you don't understand feels like? Yeah, humans be like that.

There really is no abnormal when it comes to human feelings. There are billions of humans on the planet, and imo, one of the things that makes us human is our diversity and difference. If you can think of a feeling, a human has felt it. If you can't think of it - a human has felt it. Humans feel the depths of all sorts of confusing, complicated, and contradictory feelings. It's all normal. It's all abnormal. Just depends on your perspective.

I'm not sure how good the book will be for you if English isn't your native language, but Jeffrey Marsh is a nonbinary activist who has a great book "How to Be You" about finding self-acceptance and maybe self-love. It might be helpful to you.

I hope you are able to find peace and understanding about yourself and how you feel and make room to just feel your feelings without beating yourself up. <3