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Coming Back After Months


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[I'm not sure if this is the right place to put it, but since it involves a lot of talk about relationships, I figured this is as good of a place as any.]

[TW for sexual assalt, underage drug use, sh, suicidal ideation, and verbal abuse]

Hi, my name is Jules and I am returning to this forum after a year or so of not posting at all. I know I'm not well known or anything, but I figured I'd give a status update for anyone that wanted to hear. I also hope I can make other people feel a little less alone if they have experienced similar things.

On October 31st of last year, I made one of the worst decisions of my life. Not only did it undermine everything I thought I knew about myself, but it lead me down a series of events that have left me perminently changed as a person. I went to a halloween get together with some of my friends and a girl that I hadn't known all too long. That girl a week later said that seeing me having fun and goofing off that night led her to seeing me in a different light, having feelings for me. I hated this. I hadn't really thought about it before, whether I was romance repulsed, positivve, or what, but I quickly realized then and there that I was repulsed by it. I tried not to think about it, skirting every conversation she tried to bring it up. We entered a sort of situationship then, purely involved sexually. I was thrilled by this, my ideal situation. But then, somthing went very wrong.

We went over to one of her friend's houses. Her parents were away so we decided to smoke weed on their back padio, play board games, and bake cookies. The night went suprisingly well. I was feeling alright, going quiet and enjoying things as I tended to do when I smoked. The problem started when everyone else got convinced I wasn't high enough. I tried to assure them that I was, indeed, alright, but peer pressure is a bitch and I eventually folded. I got awful. I was hyperventilating and having an out of body feeling. I told them I just wanted to go to bed, and the girl that liked me said she would too. We had already agreed to sleep in the same bed, so that's what we did. She got in bed with me and tried to engage in sexual activity. I told her I wasn't in a state to be doing that, but she didn't stop. I won't go into detail, but I'm sure you understand what happened.

The next morning she was going on, unprompted, about how it wasn't a big deal becuase we were both high and all that. I didn't object. I think now is a good time to mention that this isn't the first time somthing like this happened. I already had experience with this, and just like last time, I let them walk all over me.

This lead to an 8 month relationship. In that time she managed to make me feel like less than nothing. She would constantly compare me to her ex, cut me off from everyone in my life, misgender me during arguments, gain all of my passwords, control what I wore, every aspect of my life belonged to her. I didn't live at home anymore. She made me stay over every night, sleeping in her bag and having my possesions confined to a backpack. I feel behind in school, relapsed in self harm, and became more depressed than I had ever been.

The worst of it had to be when we decided to partake in illegal hallucinogens. At the peak of it, she went into her kitchen, grabbed a knife from the knife block, and said she was going to do at home top surgery on me. I locked myself in her room while the friend we'd elected to supervise us took the knife from her and talked her down. I'm still not sure if I would be here to talk about it if we hadn't of decided to ask him to watch us.

I ended up breaking up with her a week before she went off to college. She wasn't happy, asking for second chances, saying she still loved me, showing up to my place of work, but it didn't matter. She was gone and I was happy. Only I wasn't. I became even more depressed, realizing how much the months of bad treatment had affected me. I tried to push it away, but nothing stopped it.

And that's where I am right now. Trying to get better and move on. I've been looking for a therapist and have been trying to at home heal, but it's honestly not going too well. I'm posting now to tell people where I've been and to seek support as well as make others that have gone through this feel less alone.

TLDR; I've been gone for months because I was pushed into a toxic relationship and I'm now trying to heal. Also I almost got at home top surgery.

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I'm really sorry you went through all that. Your story is a terrible one. I have also been abused. I'm so glad you are looking for help. Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook is a good one while you're still searching around for a therapist. Your local DV org may be able to help you access therapy, so it's worth talking to them just to ask. Healing Sexual Trauma Workbook and The Sexual Healing Journal may be good ones, but I haven't been able to check these out in full, and there is probably some sections/language that focus on reclaiming sexuality that may not be the most inclusive of asexuality.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. You definitely deserve better, which is why I'm glad you broke up with her. I don't want it to seem like I'm just loose talking, but I think it's important to know that it's not your fault, and you have nothing to feel bad for. With that being sad - I wish you a fast and good recovery. I'm sorry but I'm not able to provide you any websites that may be helpful, since I don't know any. I hope that those sent by the person above me will be helpful for you.

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