Being introspective is a serious hassle. Especially with regards to identity/emotion it feels like a diagnosis, but unlike an actual diagnosis, something that only YOU can do.
And I still don't feel qualified. It feels presumptuous to ask other people to do that deciding for me, not having the base of self-knowledge I do. But also it is a damn challenge, I have always been very indecisive, and that is kind of manifesting itself in my current self-examination.
Since hearing about the term/identity I pretty much immediately felt it connected with myself. I distinctly remember throughout elementary school being asked by classmates who I had a crush on, and truthfully answering 'no one' to the complete distrust of every classmate. In my head I sorta felt like we were all too young to have proper crushes, and that they were trying to be...special or something, I don't know. I also remember being pretty confused at the idea of fictional crushes. Like yeah, I got the concept and that they were fairly common, but it was so alien to me it felt like how could I even feel that for someone fictional.
There was a period where I felt an intense pressure that because of never having a relationship let alone a crush that I was lagging behind, was I at the right moment in my life? Eventually I kind of talked myself out of that and kind of accepted that what would come, would come and vice versa. It was a challenge to acknowledge because as a little kid I was very emotional and emotionally open, writing notes about whatever I was feeling whether it was sadness of love for my parents. I also had a variety of the common excuses: no one here is good enough; switching schools so often made it impossible to connect; etc. I have never, I think, known romantic love or anything close to it, but I have always loved love songs and soul music, and had a grand fascination and love for humanity and just the universe (it is really amazing to be alive and to see everything that exists how it does), and obviously familial love and affection.
Due to not being very outgoing in any capacity (likely an autism thing) and aforementioned school moving, and on some level being a guy, I have never had exceptionally close friends, not that I wouldn't like to, there are a lot of factors including a sometimes alienating level of maturity, that has led to that. I think that broadly these excuses are just that and serve nothing beyond placating my anxiety related to self discovery and feeling a minority of what most do. I'm lucky that my parents are very accommodating, and never push or anything, and would (probably) be fine with it after a while. A sibling came out as gay when they were young as well and no problems there.
Unfortunately being alloromantic has a lot of expectations with it, and those are difficult to buck generally. I also didn't want this to change the way people close to me see me, although I guess that's inevitable, at least for a while. It has been just part of my personality, nothing special, 'I haven't changed, my actions haven't changed, so why should the way people look at me change?' is the kind of naive process I had. At some point I had realized I was some level of bisexual but 'coming out' about that felt probably easier than aro, yet also I felt I couldn't due it without 'leading on' my family members into my 'love life'. From there I told myself I wanted to 'be sure' about it before saying anything, but I know that's really impossible. I want to sort of be true to myself, whatever that may mean, before leaving for college.
I accept the fact that I'm young and a bit stupid, but I'm glad to be doing some introspection rather than pushing it aside til my early/mid twenties.
I'm not even really here for convincing, more so for affirmation bias, I know that knowing for sure is impossible.
Also I fell for the forum cliche of both writing an essay and making it my life story, so apologies. It did feel good to write though.
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Guest Nemo
Being introspective is a serious hassle. Especially with regards to identity/emotion it feels like a diagnosis, but unlike an actual diagnosis, something that only YOU can do.
And I still don't feel qualified. It feels presumptuous to ask other people to do that deciding for me, not having the base of self-knowledge I do. But also it is a damn challenge, I have always been very indecisive, and that is kind of manifesting itself in my current self-examination.
Since hearing about the term/identity I pretty much immediately felt it connected with myself. I distinctly remember throughout elementary school being asked by classmates who I had a crush on, and truthfully answering 'no one' to the complete distrust of every classmate. In my head I sorta felt like we were all too young to have proper crushes, and that they were trying to be...special or something, I don't know. I also remember being pretty confused at the idea of fictional crushes. Like yeah, I got the concept and that they were fairly common, but it was so alien to me it felt like how could I even feel that for someone fictional.
There was a period where I felt an intense pressure that because of never having a relationship let alone a crush that I was lagging behind, was I at the right moment in my life? Eventually I kind of talked myself out of that and kind of accepted that what would come, would come and vice versa. It was a challenge to acknowledge because as a little kid I was very emotional and emotionally open, writing notes about whatever I was feeling whether it was sadness of love for my parents. I also had a variety of the common excuses: no one here is good enough; switching schools so often made it impossible to connect; etc. I have never, I think, known romantic love or anything close to it, but I have always loved love songs and soul music, and had a grand fascination and love for humanity and just the universe (it is really amazing to be alive and to see everything that exists how it does), and obviously familial love and affection.
Due to not being very outgoing in any capacity (likely an autism thing) and aforementioned school moving, and on some level being a guy, I have never had exceptionally close friends, not that I wouldn't like to, there are a lot of factors including a sometimes alienating level of maturity, that has led to that. I think that broadly these excuses are just that and serve nothing beyond placating my anxiety related to self discovery and feeling a minority of what most do. I'm lucky that my parents are very accommodating, and never push or anything, and would (probably) be fine with it after a while. A sibling came out as gay when they were young as well and no problems there.
Unfortunately being alloromantic has a lot of expectations with it, and those are difficult to buck generally. I also didn't want this to change the way people close to me see me, although I guess that's inevitable, at least for a while. It has been just part of my personality, nothing special, 'I haven't changed, my actions haven't changed, so why should the way people look at me change?' is the kind of naive process I had. At some point I had realized I was some level of bisexual but 'coming out' about that felt probably easier than aro, yet also I felt I couldn't due it without 'leading on' my family members into my 'love life'. From there I told myself I wanted to 'be sure' about it before saying anything, but I know that's really impossible. I want to sort of be true to myself, whatever that may mean, before leaving for college.
I accept the fact that I'm young and a bit stupid, but I'm glad to be doing some introspection rather than pushing it aside til my early/mid twenties.
I'm not even really here for convincing, more so for affirmation bias, I know that knowing for sure is impossible.
Also I fell for the forum cliche of both writing an essay and making it my life story, so apologies. It did feel good to write though.
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