New to dating/relationships as a probably greyaro person

[darkabyssx]

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• Post: 112912518_1 created on Wed Jun 28, 2023 8:00 pm
   Posted: Wed Jun 28, 2023 8:00 pm

 

 

Soooo I'm 28. And aside from a quick thing with a highschool boyfriend I never really dated. Always had other things to focus on w gender and mental health and school and stuff and I never got crushes so it just never happened. I've always loved the idea of romance and wanted a relationship and like. Fantasized about it a lot but again-no crushes and only like two people ever expressed intrest in me and i turned them down. I figure I'm probably on both the ace and aro spectrum.

Recently I've been in a more stable place though so I figured I'd try it out again. Had a few awkward dates with a few people. One of which asked me to be his boyfriend after 3 dates. He's great. A chill guy- we have a lot in common, we're both artists who like the same shows and podcasts and stuff, and we get along. He has the cutest dog in the world, we sorta have similar plans for the future. It's easy to spend time with him-which is crazy cause I've found most people irritating lately. He's also trans, neurodivergent, and probably on the aroace spectrum. This should be a dream come true.

But I don't feel anything. And like. I kinda suspected it would be like that given that I'm pretty sure I'm aromantic but I WANT to feel something and just. Idk. Maybe it's cause I'm still getting to know him? Maybe I'm not capable? Maybe he's not my type whatever that is. Maybe I should've dated more before saying yes to going steady-especially since he wants a serious long term thing. Which i do to!!!! But maybe i need to figure mysekf out first? Maybe thats an excuse?. There's a lot of Maybes and I just. Idk. Maybe if I wasn't putting on the expectations of ten years of fantasizing about relationships I'd be happier? Like I'm not sure I'm particularly attatched to him in any way even though I get along better with him than anyone I've befriended in a long time? I'm probably putting expectations too high then being disappointed when I'm not magically not aromantic anymore. I'm not sure what's normal or not and I don't know a good place to ask other aro people about this kinda thing and my friends in relationships all Have vastly different experiences so.

I'm not sure what I'm really asking here. What I'm looking for. But if anyone has anything to say I would appreciate some input

 

[CanadianBird]

If you gen enjoy spending time with him and find him interesting, then I'd encourage you to go with the flow. It doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic as long as you're both aware and alright with that.

However if you said yes because you think that later on you might feel more attracted to him, it could become an issue. What if you don't? What if you're suddenly stuck inside a long-term relationship that you don't care for and your partner does? Unfortunately romantic attraction doesn't always arrive with time.

You're still in the beginning stages so anything can happen! You know you better than anyone so if you think that it'll work out and you like him (doesn't have to be romantically) then go for it! Anyways wishing you luck in figuring it out :)

[darkabyssx]

On 7/6/2023 at 3:03 PM, nostalgia said:

If you gen enjoy spending time with him and find him interesting, then I'd encourage you to go with the flow. It doesn't necessarily have to be a romantic as long as you're both aware and alright with that.

However if you said yes because you think that later on you might feel more attracted to him, it could become an issue. What if you don't? What if you're suddenly stuck inside a long-term relationship that you don't care for and your partner does? Unfortunately romantic attraction doesn't always arrive with time.

You're still in the beginning stages so anything can happen! You know you better than anyone so if you think that it'll work out and you like him (doesn't have to be romantically) then go for it! Anyways wishing you luck in figuring it out :)

Thank you so much for the advice! It's been a few weeks and I'm still on the fence.

Like he's the first person I've really dated and I wonder if my hesitation is due to the fact I keep questioning if I'd miraculously be able to fall in love with someone else? Or maybe cause I'm scared of commitment idk.

I'm trying to figure out how to communicate how I'm feeling to him but I keep freezing up. Unlike me this guy loves to think ahead and has mentioned stuff like moving in together so I can't keep putting off saying "I'm not sure how I feel" or something. 

Because like. He's honestly a great guy. We don't click on a cosmic level or anything but I'm positive he'd be a good long term partner. Cohabitation would probably work out well and we'd see eachother a lot more which would solve the whole lonliness thing. But I don't wanna get that far without knowing how I feel I guess? Sorry I'm kinda all over the place.  Just like my brain.  Anyway thanks again!

On 7/21/2023 at 4:20 PM, Sad aro said:

What is right feelings for you? Recall the people that have given you most intense interest. Is this guy one of them? You shall not compare yourself with alloromantic persons here. Another question that may be helpful for you to answer yourself is if your feelings can grow by time, from closeness? If you don't know, I agree with going with the flow as long as your honest to yourself and the one you're "dating", when it comes to your feelings and your needs.

I don't know? I'm so bad at pinpointing feelings. I've never given anyone intense intrest. At least not that I can recall (I got the worlds worst memory) 

Right now the more time goes on tbe more anxious I get that I'm I'm messing up by locking myself in even though he's great! Genuinley a fantastic guy. 

Any tips on how to be honest with him about this by any chance? I can barely put this into words myself and I keep freezing up. 

Thank you for the advice!!! I really appreciate it