Satirical Speech

[AromanticAardvark]

I'm not really sure whether this should go here, Aromantic Discussions, or Off Topic because it's not technically about aromanticism directly, but I'm writing a satirical speech for English class about rainbow capitalism and I'd love an aro perspective.

Spoiler

It’s almost June, and you know what that means! Pride month. So this year, the Financial Advisory Group, aka the F.A.G., is doing a little Q&A. 

You were supposed to have Elizabeth from the third lowest budgeting office doing this, because she’s a lesbian, but due to some urgent downsizing issues, she’s unable to join us today. So instead, you get me! Let’s dive into it, shall we?

Question 1: Are you gay?

Wow, I wonder who could have put this question into the ol’ suggestion box, huh? Haha… NO. While I have the utmost respect for the LBGTC community, I myself am very much not gay. I could never be gay, it’s just not something I could do, personally.

Question 2: What is the F.A.G. doing for pride month?

What a great question! We’re going above and beyond for pride month this year! Not only did we change our logo on all of our social media to include a rainbow, we’re also selling limited edition rainbow t-shirts! You can support your gay friends and show your F.A.G pride with these shirts, which are available on our website for 39.99. You can also buy normal shirts from the same website, which are available for 29.99.

Question 3: What is the F.A.G. doing about homophobia in the workplace?

The F.A.G. doesn’t have any issues with homophobia. However, we do believe that everyone is entitled to their beliefs, even if we don’t necessarily like those beliefs. Having said that, violence is not tolerated at the F.A.G, and anyone assaulting our LBRQS employees will be firmly reprimanded by our HR department.

Question 4: How are you supporting your LGBTQ employees?

The F.A.G is giving all LCBOWH*C employees their very own company tote bags! AND two day’s unpaid time off for the pride parade! Or church, whatever the employee decides.

Question 5: What would you say to an employee who wanted to date a coworker of the same gender?

I love this question, in fact I actually met my husband at an F.A.G conference! Let me just say, not a lot of work got done at that meeting, if you catch my drift! But seriously, while the F.A.G. supports everyone’s right to live their own, self-fulfilling LFJB3Q lifestyle, we would prefer for employees to keep their private lives out of the workplace. 

Question 6: Does the F.A.G respect their transgender employees’ pronouns and gender?

Of course! I mean, it can be hard to remember but we always make an effort! In fact, my friend’s kid’s babysitter Samuel, oops I mean Sandra, is transgender himself! And I ALWAYS try to respect Samuel’s, oops I mean Sandra’s, gender. 

Question 7: Will any profits that the F.A.G. makes during pride month be donated to LGBT organizations?

Yes! The F.A.G will be donating 0.5% of proceeds from our limited edition rainbow t-shirts, available on our website for 39.99, to the Christian Gay Fund, which is filled with amazing people just dedicating their life to helping with the issue of the LGBBQUFOGHUO*(@(B! community.

Question 8: Would you like to comment on the leaked emails showing that your company helped fund several anti-gay bills, and has donated to many homophobic charities, also known as Emailgate?

I have worked at the F.A.G. for ten years, since it was just a small start-up in my friend Jerry’s garage at his father’s second summer home, and I don’t believe I have seen a single act of homophobia that whole time! The F.A.G. is such a supportive family to absolutely everyone who works there.

Question 9: How do you feel about your company’s leaked homophobic emails?

Okay, you know what, let’s just move on from this topic, shall we?

[Flipping through question papers] uh, actually, you know what, let’s just end the Q&A here. Eight questions is good. Remember, during pride month everything on the F.A.G website is 10% off with the code FAIRY!

 

[HelloThere]

21 minutes ago, AromanticAardvark said:

I'm not really sure whether this should go here, Aromantic Discussions, or Off Topic because it's not technically about aromanticism directly, but I'm writing a satirical speech for English class about rainbow capitalism and I'd love an aro perspective.

  Hide contents

It’s almost June, and you know what that means! Pride month. So this year, the Financial Advisory Group, aka the F.A.G., is doing a little Q&A. 

You were supposed to have Elizabeth from the third lowest budgeting office doing this, because she’s a lesbian, but due to some urgent downsizing issues, she’s unable to join us today. So instead, you get me! Let’s dive into it, shall we?

Question 1: Are you gay?

Wow, I wonder who could have put this question into the ol’ suggestion box, huh? Haha… NO. While I have the utmost respect for the LBGTC community, I myself am very much not gay. I could never be gay, it’s just not something I could do, personally.

Question 2: What is the F.A.G. doing for pride month?

What a great question! We’re going above and beyond for pride month this year! Not only did we change our logo on all of our social media to include a rainbow, we’re also selling limited edition rainbow t-shirts! You can support your gay friends and show your F.A.G pride with these shirts, which are available on our website for 39.99. You can also buy normal shirts from the same website, which are available for 29.99.

Question 3: What is the F.A.G. doing about homophobia in the workplace?

The F.A.G. doesn’t have any issues with homophobia. However, we do believe that everyone is entitled to their beliefs, even if we don’t necessarily like those beliefs. Having said that, violence is not tolerated at the F.A.G, and anyone assaulting our LBRQS employees will be firmly reprimanded by our HR department.

Question 4: How are you supporting your LGBTQ employees?

The F.A.G is giving all LCBOWH*C employees their very own company tote bags! AND two day’s unpaid time off for the pride parade! Or church, whatever the employee decides.

Question 5: What would you say to an employee who wanted to date a coworker of the same gender?

I love this question, in fact I actually met my husband at an F.A.G conference! Let me just say, not a lot of work got done at that meeting, if you catch my drift! But seriously, while the F.A.G. supports everyone’s right to live their own, self-fulfilling LFJB3Q lifestyle, we would prefer for employees to keep their private lives out of the workplace. 

Question 6: Does the F.A.G respect their transgender employees’ pronouns and gender?

Of course! I mean, it can be hard to remember but we always make an effort! In fact, my friend’s kid’s babysitter Samuel, oops I mean Sandra, is transgender himself! And I ALWAYS try to respect Samuel’s, oops I mean Sandra’s, gender. 

Question 7: Will any profits that the F.A.G. makes during pride month be donated to LGBT organizations?

Yes! The F.A.G will be donating 0.5% of proceeds from our limited edition rainbow t-shirts, available on our website for 39.99, to the Christian Gay Fund, which is filled with amazing people just dedicating their life to helping with the issue of the LGBBQUFOGHUO*(@(B! community.

Question 8: Would you like to comment on the leaked emails showing that your company helped fund several anti-gay bills, and has donated to many homophobic charities, also known as Emailgate?

I have worked at the F.A.G. for ten years, since it was just a small start-up in my friend Jerry’s garage at his father’s second summer home, and I don’t believe I have seen a single act of homophobia that whole time! The F.A.G. is such a supportive family to absolutely everyone who works there.

Question 9: How do you feel about your company’s leaked homophobic emails?

Okay, you know what, let’s just move on from this topic, shall we?

[Flipping through question papers] uh, actually, you know what, let’s just end the Q&A here. Eight questions is good. Remember, during pride month everything on the F.A.G website is 10% off with the code FAIRY!

 

This is literal comedy gold but I’d be careful about the intent of this one. XD