I'm tired of it all (vent, cw)

[CatNap]

The loneliness is killing me. I don't get to spend enough time with them. I could at least spend time with them after school. But I can't. I don't have much time with them, or many electronics, so I can't really be with them. They mean so much to me, each and every one of them. They are my family. Even if they aren't my blood family, they are. My blood family... isn't exactly the greatest. And if you knew or understood my situation, you would know why I'm so attached to these people, and why they mean so much to me. The loneliness has gotten to such a point that it hurts. It just hurts too much to bear. I miss them. They don't make me feel like a misfit. They make me feel heard and loved and cared about. They don't make me feel sad, lonely, and isolated. And most importantly they don't make me feel like... well, I don't know exactly how to phrase it. I miss them so much, and the loneliness hurts so much that it's driven me to desperation. They just mean so much to me, hold such a special place in my heart. I just want to be with them again. I'm just feeling lonely and sad.

I'm always being harsh on myself, and that's tiring. Our dog has problems. I want to get away from my home situation. I have a test soon. I don't understand a word people tell me when it comes to orientations and stuff. I'm tired of my problems. I just want it to stop. I get infuriated just thinking about this shit. I want it to all stop. Just stop! Everything is just fucking infuriating! I just don't know what I want anymore, what to do about this. I'm sick of it all. I've been a little harsh on my pet, and it's not his fault. I'm sick of my negative traits. I'm sick of myself. I don't know what to do. I'm sick of all my problems. All this shit I have to worry about. I'm sick of all the shit I care with me (metaphorically speaking). I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of shitty people. I'm just so angry that I want to get rid of anyone and everyone who makes me angry,or sad, or some shit. Like just... Like just.... Not murder. Not murder... I'm having violent thoughts again. I don't want those thoughts. I feel like I'm capable of acting on them. 

I'm. Sick. Of. It. All.

I can't trust anyone. They could tell someone else that I don't trust. they could gossip about me and laugh. I especially don't trust the adults. they always tell the one person I don't want to know about any of this. She will do bad things. 

I'm tired of mental health. Specifically my mental health. I'm tired of the shitty past and present that I had and have to endure. Jesus why am I so weak, that I can't handle bullying and neglect and verbal abuse? I'm tired of my mental health being so bad all the time. Such a weak, pathetic little thing, that I can't just be normal in social interactions. No. I have to be anxious. such a pathetic, crybaby, crying over something like germs. Pathetic, and weak. This is all my fault. Everything is my fault. I'm only full of imperfection. I'm screwed up, crazy, edgy, weird, creepy, stupid, ugly, clingy, selfish, just... So much. I'm awful. Awful awful awful! That's all I'll ever be. Awful, crazy, edgy, weird, creepy, stupid, ugly, clingy, and selfish.

I'd love to just scream and let it out, but I can't at all. I just need to let out a long piercing scream. I need to break something. But no. I can't.

I'm just so angry, and hurt, and tired of it all. 

Edited April 28, 2023 by Eclipse