Jump to content

Confused aro - help?

Guest Mellanie

Recommended Posts

Guest Mellanie

Hi I’m new here and need some advice/thoughts if you’d be so kind. I’ve always thought of myself as aro and thought that meant never having crushes on people. Over the years I’ve had what I’d call fascinations/attachments with people. Eg a teacher (M) at school, a professor at Uni (F) and an online acquaintance (F). I’m female. Rather than fancying them I realised what I was interested in is their lives. I’d always want to find out more about them and if they had a spouse I’d want to know everything about that spouse too. So rather than wanting to be WITH them it was almost like I wanted to BE them(?).

Anyway all of those drifted away as I left school, Uni etc. And it’s been a while but now I’ve become “attached” to a colleague. Once again I want to know all about him and his wife especially. But this time it feels so much more intense and I’m so confused about if I have romantic feelings for him. Very cliche but we accidentally touched hands and I keep thinking about it 🙄 I’m literally rolling my eyes because I can’t get him out of my mind and I’m so confused. I don’t know if these are romantic feelings or I’m just attaching myself to him because I’m jealous of his life etc. Anyone experienced anything like this?! Help 😢


Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you heard of limerence? I wonder if you might relate to the concept, even if you don't fully believe it's what you're experiencing.

What Is Limerence?


Limerence is a mental state of profound romantic infatuation, first defined in the 1970s by the psychologist Dorothy Tennov. It is characterised by an initial period of elation and intense emotional arousal that can progress to an involuntary, obsessive craving for another person.


The defining features are (paraphrasing and simplifying slightly):

  • Frequent intrusive thoughts about the limerent object (LO), who is a potential sexual partner.
  • An acute need for reciprocation of equally strong feeling.
  • Exaggerated dependency of mood on LO’s actions: elation when sensing reciprocation, devastation when sensing disinterest.
  • Inability to react limerently to more than one person at a time.
  • Fleeting relief from unrequited feeling through vivid fantasy about reciprocation by the LO.
  • Insecurity or shyness when in the presence of the LO, often manifesting in overt physical discomfort (sweating, stammering, racing heart).
  • Intensification of feelings by adversity.
  • An aching sensation in “the heart” when uncertainty is strong.
  • A general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background.
  • A remarkable ability to emphasise the positive features of the LO, and minimise, or empathise with, the negative.
  • I would also add to Tennov’s list: a desire for exclusivity.


Are you a limerent? quiz


The Carnival of Aros actually had a month on limerence, which I found pretty interesting, getting to see how aros related to limerence and could find use in the term.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...