Am I Aro?

[Guest AlwaysQuestioning]

Hi! I came out as aroace recently, but I’m uncertain. I had strong feelings for another girl for years and confessed to her, but she did not want a relationship with me. I was happy to stay friends and was OK as long as I didn’t lose this person. I did not feel particularly upset, which i thought was a sign of aromanticism. I identified as lesbian for a while, but I am also uninterested in sex. I am 100% ace. I don’t even care for kissing that much.  Another instance occurred when I was hanging out with one person who I quickly became close to. I began to feel excited that we were flirting, but when they confessed to me I panicked. We were only together for a few days before I wanted to go back to friendship, because I got so anxious the next day that i was having nausea and crying. I couldn’t even be in a qpr because the word partner made me scared. I felt I’d just convinced myself i liked them and I was wrong, and their emotions seemed a lot stronger than mine and I didn’t want them, an allo person, to feel trapped in a relationship that wasn’t enough. I had other worries too. I worried before that I’d just convinced myself my feelings were real but they were just an exciting fantasy/ i was bored or lonely. I don’t know to this day. I don’t usually get crushes, i just begin to think more and more about someone I’m close to until im fantasizing about a future together. I want more affection for sure and to live with many people— perhaps I’m just looking for affectionate friends? Now I’m a little disappointed. I’ve always wanted a special relationship with someone, non-male preferably. But i feel like I can’t have that because i will quickly become scared and miserable if it’s more than fantasy, and I’m a little frustrated.  What does this all mean? I’m afraid of being dishonest with myself or others and I want to know exactly who I am: 

[rob]

Maybe. I would look into arospec microlabels, you could find something that fits you. Demiromantic or grayromantic could be great fits, or maybe you could find a more specific label, there are tons out there

Or you could just be a lesbian oriented aroace

My advice is always that if you think you might be aromantic just call yourself aromantic or arospec or an arospec label, whatever you like most. See how it feels, look around the community, talk to other aros, hang around for a while. If it fits, then great. If it turns out it wasn't what you were looking for there's no loss, you explored that part of yourself and learned more about a community 

[hemogoblin]

Like anything else, aromanticism is a spectrum. It's not only "no romantic attraction ever". These are also aromantic experiences:

• Only feeling romantic attraction to people they've developed a strong bond with (demiromantic)
• Wanting or feeling something romantic in theory but not in practice (lithromantic)
• Being unsure if they experience romantic attraction or not understanding the concept of romanticism at all (quoiromantic)
• Feeling romantic attraction but lacking the drive to act up on it (gray-romantic)
• Not experiencing romantic attraction but desiring a relationship anyway (cupioromantic)
• Feeling romantic attraction that fades if they ever form a bond with the person (frayromantic)
• Only experiencing romantic attraction if that person is attracted to them first (recipromantic)

And etc., etc., etc. There are lots of ways to be aro, and no one but you can decide if you are aro or not.

Aromantic, alloromantic - no identity term is some pre-determined category we're all meant to fit neatly inside. They are human made words to communicate the simplest version of our feelings to others. "Am I aro?" is a really tough question to answer because it pre-disposes that there is some objectively correct answer, and there is not.

Questions that might better serve you include:

• Do I want to identify as aromantic? Why or why not?
• Does aromantic help me communicate to others what my feelings are?
• Does aromantic help me connect to a community of people with similar experiences?
• How does it make me feel to identify as aromantic? How does it make me feel to not identify as aromantic?

It's also okay to still not be able to answer these questions and decide your label is questioning. Or maybe your label is 'sometimes aro, sometimes not'. Or maybe the answer is that you're a little bit of both. You don't have to fall neatly on either side of the line.

Your identity is about you. Do you think you're aro? Whatever your answer is, that's an answer everybody else needs to respect.

Questioning and experimentation are not lying. They're literally how we live every aspect of our lives. Everything is a phase. Absolutely everything. Being a teenager, having a full head of hair, loving the color blue, that anime obsession - life itself is a phase. It's all just passing by. Learning more about yourself or growing as a person are not lies. They are evolution. They are what you are supposed to be doing. Labels change. Thus is life. That's not dishonest or disrespectful. It's natural.

Edited March 16, 2023 by hemogoblin