My alloromantic partner just broke up with me

[rob]

[RANT]

I've been with my ex-gf for 2 years and 2 months. I'm asexual and aromantic while she is an asexual lesbian. She broke up with me because I wasn't giving her enough attention. Ironically, this is why everyone before me broke up with her

Before I got together with her I believed that alloros and aros can't be together. This relationship only proved that assumption to me. I don't say it's impossible, nothing of the sort, I'm just saying that it's impossible for me. But I wanted to give it a chance, so I asked her. She said yes, and although she asked me for boundaries immediately (knowing that I am aromantic and trans) I think we started off from the wrong foot, because none of us truly understood what the other wanted. She immediately started treating it as a romantic relationship by another name, while I wanted something strictly rooted in friendship, and as everyone took her lead and emboldened this interpretation, that was the one that stuck. I did not say anything, because I didn't want to make her sad. She is a sensitive soul, cries easily, so I was always afraid of saying some things because I knew it would hurt her

There were other problems, like how she seems to have no respect for me (some of the longest time someone took to get my pronouns right), what I do (she's in STEM and I study humanities, she and her best friend have a massive superiority complex over it) or my time (she is eternally late. I live an 1 h and a half away from our usual meeting place, she lives 15 min away, usually I arrive at least 30 min before her, even after I call her repeatedly to tell her where I am so she can know to leave home, she claims that she can actually arrive on time, she just doesn't do it with me). People read us as a lesbian couple, which is definitely not something I want, as I am transmasculine, but she doesn't have much of a problem with it for obvious reasons. Excluding me from plans and discussions, often making me feel inferior to her best friend. I am full of platonic love, they've known each other for over a decade, I understand this, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't bother me to be treated like the 3rd wheel

Now, it's not just her fault, it would be hypocritical to say so. I am cold and distant by nature, I recognise this. I'm very cheery and affectionate with acquaintances, because I know that my natural personality is unpleasant, but with close friends (her included) I let loose because I thought I could be myself, I thought they understood it wasn't personal. Apparently they didn't. And honestly, the way our relationship was perceived also stopped me from being affectionate, because it was something that was expected of me, and this creeped me out enough to make me even colder. I also don't text a lot, I don't like texting, I only do it when I have something to discuss. But she does that too. She also doesn't text, she didn't text me for my birthday two years in a row and I didn't get mad. She still talks to her best friend almost every day and they stay in discord. See what I meant?

But I tried talking to her about this, multiple times. I asked her if my cold nature bothers her and I told her I knew she would prefer someone more affectionate and cuddly, someone alloromantic, a woman. I tried to open the conversation. She said that it's fine, that she is comfortable and happy with our arrangement. I believed her. Foolishly I thought we could have it all, a relationship comfortable for both of us

I've felt guilty for most of our relationship. Because in some ways I knew it was coming, maybe in some ways I hoped it was coming. I've always known that I am not what she wanted, that I was too cold for her bubbly and cuddly self. But she was also not what I wanted, I've known that I am polyamorous for years and I want to try a queerplatonic polycule, she is monogamous so I gave up on it, because I knew she would interpret it as me saying she in not enough, and I didn't want her to think this. She expected me to treat her specially (I follow relationship anarchy btw, so that was probs not gonna happen either way) while she didn't and actively prioritized me less than her best friend

About a year ago I realised I'm gay, accepted it a few months ago. I'm attracted to men and masc non-binary people in a way I can only describe as somehow, partially sexually (now I id as gray-asexual). I've never told her, never told any of our common friends even if they are my closest ones. I've lived in guilty ever since, because I was lying to her. I thought of telling her a few times but I knew it would broke her, she knew I wasn't interested in her sexually but for some reason I know that this would crush her, knowing that there is no way I would ever be attracted to her in that way. I've wanted to try a QPR with another transmasc for a while, with an aro transmasc, but I knew I would have had to break up with her for this, and I didn't want to hurt her like that. So, in a way, I guess I was waiting for this. Does that make me a bad person? A bad partner?

So this is it, I guess. Sorry for the long post, but I really needed to rant. I can't go to my best friend because she is my ex's best friend, and all of my friends are alloromantic, so would not be able to understand this. I really wanted to talk to some fellow aros

I still want a partner, a platonic partner, who no one would assume is romantic or who would at least laugh with me at the notion. A guy or a non-binary person, someone who can understand me from those angles. Who would not ask me to kiss them in public or ask me why I haven't sent a message on a holyday they know I don't celebrate even if they also didn't send anything. Who would not gift me roses knowing that I don't like flowers. Who would not let people assume the nature of our relationship. Honestly, at this point it feels hopeless, the only other aro I know irl is a trans femme studying in England. And somehow I am still guilty, of how she would feel if I get with someone before she does, if I have sex with a new partner even if I refused to do it with her. And I am afraid, afraid that this will ruin or friendship, our group, because I really love her as a friend and she did say that I am an amazing friend (and shitty boyfriend) and that she wants us to stay friends, but I am afraid of the awkwardness, and sad that my love wasn't enough or the right kind

This is hopeless, I feel like shit. I don't even know why or what I feel. Heartbreak? Sadness? Relief? Guilt? Numbness? I just don't know

[hemogoblin]

It sounds like there are a lot of reasons this was for the best, but none of that negates or soothes hurting feelings. Anything and everything you're feeling - including confusion - is absolutely valid. I'm sorry it went down like this. I hope you're able to do something nice for yourself and take it easy for the rest of the day.

[EternallyTBD]

Idk if this helps but here’s how I see it:

That sucks for everyone involved, there really doesn’t seem to have been a “right” solution, and I hope you can move past it and feel better about it soon