i don't understand why i keep getting in trouble, can you help explain?

[Guest spooky]

my mom and her boyfriend kiss a bunch, and it makes me uncomfortable, due to flashbacks of a no-so-happy series of months in my past that lead to me having PTSD. i usually just put my headphones on and turn the music up so i don't hear it. but then i get yelled at because i don't hear anything else. my mom got mad at me today for this, and took my phone and headphones. she said that i should just SAY "this makes me uncomfortable" and walk away, but in the past I've done that, and i got yelled at for doing so. she then was saying "well it doesn't make you uncomfortable when you see it in the halls at school". it doesn't, but that's because at my school NOBODY HAS TIME FOR THAT KIND OF THING. we're all rushing to get to class on time. if it DID happen in the halls, i WOULD be uncomfortable, though. i don't pick and choose that kind of thing. it makes me uncomfortable, end of story. but I'm being treated like its simply a prejudice against my mom and her boyfriend, when it isn't. i tried to ask her to explain, but she just kept getting mad at me and yelling. she took away my phone, decided i DONT get to go out and see my friend who lives in another state and is visiting, and sent me to my room. she always does this and i don't understand why i keep getting in trouble when i haven't done ANYTHING wrong. help?

[hemogoblin]

Unfortunately, you're confused because you're not doing anything wrong. Your mom is specifically creating scenarios in which to blame and punish you. What she really wants is things you cannot give, and considering her hyperbolic reactions, I heavily suspect that even if you gave them, she would continue to build more unrealistic expectations which were impossible for you to meet. What she really wants in this scenario is a child who is perfectly fine with her kissing, doesn't need to communicate that they're uncomfortable, and doesn't find other solutions to dealing with their discomfort because there is no discomfort. She does not want to accommodate you. She does not want you to find ways to cope/accommodate yourself (of which, what you are doing is perfectly respectable and reasonable, btw). There is nothing you can do to meet her expectations because the point of them is that you'll always fall short.

The ONE thing I can suggest you might try with this kissing thing is wearing an earphone in the ear that is closest to your mom and boyfriend and leaving the other ear free so that it blocks out most the noise but you'll better be able to hear anything directed towards you.

I'm so sorry. I really hope you're not too far from being able to leave and live independently. As you'll never be able to do what your mom demands (which, again, is designed for you to never be able to), I suggest focusing on doing everything you can to prepare for leaving. That might be doubling down on studying, volunteering, getting a part-time job, tutoring, babysitting, dogwalking, looking up how to do things like open a bank account, teaching yourself to cook, etc.

Was your mom this harsh and unfair before this boyfriend came along?

Edited March 7, 2023 by hemogoblin
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