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2023 and still being told "You're just afraid of commitment"

Guest Flyora_88

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Guest Flyora_88

I met someone at a party this past friday night, we had a drunken kiss. We found each other charming and attractive. But when we started to really talk about ourselves and I tried to articulate the aro-allo orientation she flat out denied it was a thing. She said I was just afraid of commitment, that I (and presumably by extension anyone else) was lying to myself in saying that I didn't have any interest in marriage or children or partnering at all. That I would find myself at 50 all lonely and full of regret. 

I didn't get mad at the time and we parted as friends but jeez the sheer closed-mindedness of that response has really crept under my skin. 

As though a person with kids and a marriage can't be lonely and full of regret. As if everyone who pursues an alternative lifestyle is only ever governed by fear. As if the determination to be partnered and parenting couldn't possibly be guided by fear too. 

This person was an artist. A young, intelligent person with interesting things to say. The type of person who would bemoan heteronormativity in many other circumstances. But the pure solipsism on display, the sheer lack of appreciation for the mystery of Other People. It is tragic to encounter. 

I really wish I knew other aromantic people IRL. I have the most wonderful friends who never cast doubt on how I live but I don't know any other aros where I live. No elders to seek advice from, no peers in this orientation. Does anyone else struggle with that? 

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I'm really sorry you had that interaction. I hope that person walked away and realized they had been close-minded and defensive and decides to learn and do better going forward.

If you scroll to the bottom of this forum, there's an entire section for people hoping to seek out others like them. You're definitely not alone!

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19 hours ago, Guest Flyora_88 said:

No elders to seek advice from, no peers in this orientation.

Greetings! We can be our own elders! :arocapapo:

I'm so sorry for your experience.

Perhaps as her mind calms, she will come to you with a heartfelt apology. Perhaps this is how she truly thinks and(/or) perhaps it was an outpouring of hurt feeling on her part - perhaps she felt that romantic spark for you and lashed out when feeling alone in this, especially after finding such a gorgeous connection which she may have instinctively read as romantic. You were upfront, you didn't rise to anger and you handled the night with maturity. I hope she learns from your grace this night.

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