Aromanticism and low self asteem (yay) - anybody with similar experiences?

[Guest F23]

Hi everybody!

 

I’m (f23) afraid I’m another one of those people who are having a hard time accepting my sexuality (everyone who is embracing themselves; you go!!). I define myself as gray aro and ace as of now, but I’m still really not sure (I think I’m not letting myself be sure, cause I don’t really want it to be true). 

 

I have been struggling with feelings of being “different” and “wrong” since around 13, which was also where my friends started having crushes and all that stuff. I isolated myself from them and built up a lot of self loathing. I didn’t want to go to parties and I never started drinking or dating. I’ve become a bit socially anxious and started having panic attacks which I have had help from a therapist to get under control. 

I don’t know what caused all this, but I’ve started to think that my low self esteem issues came from the fact that I am ace/aro and felt like I had to hide my true self to not be rejected. Idk.. it might just be too simple of an explanation.  

 

I really just wondered if anybody else out there has had the same experience: Feeling like you have to hide every part of yourself (not just, but especially your sexuality) because people simply cannot know the real you, because the real you is childish, and shameful and just wrong. I’ve been hiding the fact that I’m aro/ace and that I haven’t dated or kissed anybody, but I’ve also been hiding things like my interests, my music taste, that I’m a non-drinker, etc. 

 

I have known that I fall under the aro/ace spectrum for around 7 years now, and I still have not told a soul because I’m just so sure I will be judged and misunderstood, but I really feel like it makes it a lot harder for me to connect with people in my life because I am keeping myself a little distant to keep my secret. I am of course aware that a lot of these thoughts come from anxiety and low self worth, but it’s just so damn hard to convince myself that people will understand, especially when I’ve heard otherwise good people in my life say things that really are aro/acefobic (what's the right word??). 

 

I am trying to be better at opening up - for example by writing on a forum - I would normally never be brave enough to do something like this. 

 

Thanks for reading my rant if you made it here. 

[hemogoblin]

Hi, F23 and welcome! I just want to clarify before I potentially overstep, since you note this as a rant and an exploration in opening up. Are you open to ideas on how to help accept yourself or are you just looking to be heard?

You are heard, you are welcome here, and I'm so proud of you for working up the courage to share all of this!

[Guest F23]

12 hours ago, hemogoblin said:

Are you open to ideas on how to help accept yourself or are you just looking to be heard?

Hi hemoglobin:)

I think I've mostly written this to just get it out, but I'm definitely open for ideas. I have been reading different ideas in other threads, but most of them says "find a real-life community", which I agree on, but 1 I live in a small country and there is limited community, 2 I'm socially anxious...

[the more the merrier]

Lovely F23! Thank you so much for sharing this with us! Please may I second this pride in your bravery?

You may not need this now, yet I would heartily recommend respiratory physio, if that's something your therapist might consider referring you towards, for even more help with panic attacks, if you ever need this in the future. It can be so transformative!

You know, if you would ever like to stay here, the acceptance here is immense. We learn so much here, every day, and I would love to learn more with you! We wish you every happiness as you quest for understanding and self-acceptance! You are not alone! 

[hemogoblin]

17 hours ago, Guest F23 said:

Hi hemoglobin:)

I think I've mostly written this to just get it out, but I'm definitely open for ideas. I have been reading different ideas in other threads, but most of them says "find a real-life community", which I agree on, but 1 I live in a small country and there is limited community, 2 I'm socially anxious...

Finding offline community is in fact generally great advice, but A) considering how the aromantic community is still working on establishing itself, is a bit optimistic, and B) since you are just exploring anonymously exploring an online community, would be quite a big jump. =)

Here are some of my suggestions hopefully better catered to your position!

• Don't downplay the importance that any community, including online, can play! Keep lurking here. Keep reading. Interact when you can and want. Remember that even with an account, you are still afforded as much anonymity as you want. Choose a playful username and a random avatar. You don't have to lay all your secrets bare. We may begin to get to know your personality (or your online persona at least), but we'll hardly know who you really are or how to find you irl.
• Look into a queer-positive therapist (maybe even one in addition to the therapist helping you with your panic attacks if you're unsure about broaching it with them but they're otherwise helping you with anxiety). With current times, there are more remote options than ever, and you may find this a far better avenue for finding a friendly therapist that isn't in your immediate area.
• Practice opening up to some good friends. Start small! Be honest about your favorite band/musician. Ask to go somewhere other than a bar. Take the plunge and organize an outing for friends, picking a movie you want to see or your favorite restaurant or activity to invite your friends to. Friendships flourish best when everyone contributes. If people only like you because you always only ever go with the flow and never share your opinions, then they're not really friends!
• Journal. Journal, journal, journal, journal, journal. It's scary to say things out loud for the first time. Keep a daily or almost-daily journal where you write just for 5 - 10 minutes a day. Introspect on things you like. Brainstorm ways to involve the people you love in these things. List things you don't like. Write down practice conversations of how to establish boundaries around these things. Write coming out speeches. Write letters of self-love and support to yourself. Write comebacks to people who've said aphobic things. Just write. Do not, however, give into the urge to self-flagellate. Your writing should be an exploration of fact and positivity. Don't engage in negative spirals - that's only going to enforce the anxiety and poor self-esteem. Especially if you're too anxious to even talk about a therapist with any of this yet, writing it all out is really important. Communication is the major way we process information, which is why after talking, writing can be so helpful. Just thinking about things is rather undirected and can lead to rumination. Writing or talking gives you direction and can better help you come to conclusions.
• Daily affirmations. It sounds hokey, but I have seen this work. A lot of the bad or scary things you believe, you believe because you told them to yourself over and over again or other people told you over and over again. Daily affirmations will help you unlearn those harmful messages and start taking in healthier ones.
• Utilize methods you're learning to manage your panic attacks to how you approach thinking about other things in your life as well. These management techniques probably rest on a foundation of mindfulness so that you can employ the methods you're learning when they're needed, rather than relying on old, maladaptive techniques you developed. This will also be helpful to confronting the self-defeating way of thinking of being aspec!
• Consume positive media. Read AUREA. Check out AVEN. Pick up some books with aspec representation (more! so many more!). Follow aspec advocates on social media (search 'asexual' and 'aromantic' and find a couple of accounts, then go through their profiles and see who they regularly interact with and follow them, too). Check out any aspec podcasts/vlogs, like The Ace Couple, swankivy (YT), Sounds Fake But Okay, The Asexuality Podcast, and All Things Aromantic, A OK. Try queer self-acceptance books or aspec focused books like How To Be You, Can Everyone Please Call Down, Ace by Angela Chen, The Invisible Orientation, Refusing Compulsory Sexuality, Ace Voices, Hopeless Aromantic, and Ace and Aro Journeys. Read aspec blogs like Carnival of Aros, Carnival of Aces, and Asexuality Archive.
• Remember to celebrate the progress you have made rather than getting hung up on how far you think you still have to go. Posting here is a HUGE milestone! Give yourself a (non-alcoholic) toast! Progress is big. Progress is huge. Progress is worth celebrating. You're worth celebrating.

Hope this helps! :)

[Guest F23]

Thank you so much for taking the time to write these kind words and also encouraging me to stay on the forum. It is good advice and I am taking it all in.